The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My H is an addict once again relapsing after a series of outpatient rehabs. I am finding it so difficult to take care of myself and my children. I guess just going through the motions of going to work and trying to keep it together for my boys is all I can do right now. I guess my question is when will I finally have the strength to fully detach myself from this roller coaster. Somehow I have been able to completely keep this whole fiasco from our community and our family. I know that is enabling, but this will also hurt me and my children. I am a teacher and my husband is a local coach and community leader. The answer to everyone else seems so clear, but I am struggling. I am praying for guidance.
"I guess my question is when will I finally have the strength to fully detach myself from this roller coaster."
Promise,
I am confident that you have the strength right now! You just have to do it. Oooooh, believe me, it'll be difficult and it will hurt like crazy, but is it worth not doing considering the misery you and your children are in now?
After you detach the pain will eventually go away, for you and your children, and life for all of you will be much better for the decision you made for yourself and them.
And consider the example your H is setting for your kids....do you really want them continually exposed to his unhealthy behavior? For them to perhaps mimic later in life. How about you being a healthy example for them to follow instead?
I recently went through this and it was a struggle for me, too. Despite all that, however, my desire to have a better life prevailed and I made the decision. I know you can make the same decision for you and the kids.
In the beginning, I detached because it was best for my A. I had enough program to know that if I stopped enabling him he would fall and possibly hit his bottom and then he could start working on real sobriety.
So, I detcahed in my usual saintlike way...with only the thought of what was best for my A in mind....LOL! Whooo, I was UNhealthy!!!
Eventually, I detached for me and my kids. Because I wanted something better than the inconsistency and abuse that my A had to offer. I grew strong in this program and I got to a point where I knew me alone with the kids was far better than with him. And I left without anger or spite. I left with sadness and a bit of fear....
And it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids.
You do have the strength. You have the awareness, maybe you are working on the acceptence and then comes action.....keep comming back!!!
Please know that "detaching" and "leaving" are not one and the same thing....
I would encourage you to get a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... it will likely help you with soooo many issues...
As for "keeping it all secret".... I would just ask you one (tongue-in-cheek) question, that my sponsor used to ask me over and over: "soooo, how's that working out for you so far?" My opinion, is that when you let this "secret" out, you'll be amazed how many already knew, and will also see your TRUE loved ones come to the forefront and be supportive.... The weight of the world needs to be lifted off your shoulders here, as it sounds like you are carrying HIS addiction AND all the messes associated....
Time to take some time and effort for you and the children.... Focus on you and your kids....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am sorry but you are fooling yourself if u think people don' t know that something is wrong , and your kids well they know alot more than u think they do they don't miss a thing ,they feel the tension they hear the tears ,they may not know exactly whats wrong but they do know something is going on . Until u stop enabling nothing is going to change except you will both get sicker. We believe the lies , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier unexceptable behavior , we cover up thier mistakes , so why would they stop using ? we do such a good job of making them look good . Please find meetings for yourself , anonymity is the basis of our program it is a safe place to go for support , because you are a teacher perhaps u would be more comfy going to a near by town. Your not responsible for your husb behavior or his addiction , your not the reason he uses , regardless of what he may say . You cannot control this , you did not cause it and u cannot cure it . This will also hurt me and my children ? your hurting now and only you can stop it . time to stop keeping the secret .
Aloha Promise...I'm glad you found MIP. If I look at your post from a slightly different angle I am reading a call for "change". You're looking for change. Doing something(s) different creates change...doing what others are doing that works for them creates positive change often. That's what I finally exercised with courage when I first arrived at the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups. I heard that suggestion when I called the hotline number where I was living and the other person strongly suggested I do that and for the 2nd time in this recovery journey I made the rooms of recovery. I had tried alot of other stuff and it always made things much worse so I tried what was working for others and here I sit as a living survivor of the disease of alcoholism making the same suggestion to you. What worked for me was calling the Hot Line number for Al-Anon getting the places and times for the meetings and then go!!. It didn't bother me that my tail was tucked inbetween my legs. What bothered me most was that I didn't feel I'd live out the rest of that week. I was wrong, they were right, I'm still alive years later and I just got back from my home group, The Wednesday Night Turning Point Al-Anon Family Group, a registered meeting in Hilo Hawaii. I am a survivor. You can be one also. Go make the call it will be okay. (((((hugs)))))
I can relate to your post. I work for a community action agency in my community and can relate to your not wanting the information to get out. I am working with clients who have some of the same issues as my addict husband and also some who are in my position.
My kids are 10, 7, and 6. They may not know exactly what is going on with daddy, but they know something is going on, especially my 10 year old.
Most days my focus is going to work and coming home and being mom to the kids. I also get myself to at least one meeting a week, but I try for 3.
I have detached from my husband's disease and actions. That is not to say that it doesn't hurt. Watching his disease take him further away from his family.
I right now find myself in the place where some painful, but necessary choices are needed to be made.
One tool I have picked up in my alanon program is that "What other people think of me is none of my business". If I am doing the best I can with what I have and making the right choices for myself and my kidos, then what my community thinks of me being human and having problems just like everyone else is something I choose to not let bother me.
I hope you keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
