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So for me today I have beel layin low trying to gather my thoughts as to getting my emotions in order so I can speak with out tears, thanks to my SIL and our Soccer Walks I think I am there now :) Thanks Shelly :)
Ok so last night after my sons practice we went to my momma's and went swimming with my neice and nephew (The ones that are moving to FL), well the kids had a great time in the pool, and played and laughed, and all was good in the world, up until the moments of getting ready to leave. My son has always been an emotional one that wears his heart on his sleeve, he has been that way since birth, he can't control it, and when his heart hurts he crys...
Well we were all told that thier mom (Neice & Nephew) was coming this week to get them, she is suppose to come in some time tonight, and said she has to leave by next monday... Well my son heard it, and of course reacted... He went to give his cousin a hug good bye as we always to in my family, and he just lost it, he was hugging them and didn't want to let go (OK maybe I'm not ready for this)...
He sobed to the point that there was not a dry eye in the place, so here we are, 3 children, 3 adults all crying like we just had a death, and honestly that is what it felt like, like my heart was being turned inside out...I of course held my son till he could pull himself otgether enough to finish his goodbye, and told him we would make sure that he sees them before they leave...One more time at least...
Well the ride home was a nightmare, I couldn't see thru the tears, my son is crying telling me that Nothing will ever be the same for him, he can't stay at Nanny's because it just wont be the same.. (She always took them all at the same time), as did my sister, and he has a good bound with her as well, and again he doesn't think he can stay without the others, he said it just doesn't seem right...
The night went on like this for what felt like forever, I went back and he was crying in his bed, and said he just don't want to loose them, and he doesn't want them to go, and then it came... WHY MOM, Why can't AUncle just Stop Drinkng and keep his family, Why can't Auncle make his family stay, Why can't Auncle be a man instead of a drunk (Good one there), and the list went on, it was like a young me spouwing off at the mouth... It was frieghtening...
What do you tell a 12 year old that just lost his Apap, Has his only Great Grandma Moving to AZ at the end of the month (He feels never to be seen again, Shes 85) and his cousins Moving to FL in a week.. He is overwhelmed, I am overwhelmed, and I just can't get my thoughts out of my own way...I am running out of excuses, and truths when it comes to my ABrother and his drunkiness. I just sometimes wish I could hide and someone else could take this role for a while,
I just don't know what to think, don't know what to do, and truly don't know what to say... Not to my son, not to my HP, not to anyone...I have just had the wind knocked out of me once again, and I know all these things are OUT OF MY CONTROL... I get that, but that does not let me like it anymore... It doesn't help me except it for what it is...
I have been walking around today with my "I am Powerless , Easy Does it" bracelet on and reminding myself of these things, but my heart has a hole in it, for my neice & nephew that are leaving there family to most likely live in hell, and for my Grandma that is leaving us ALL behind, because she just can't be here anymore without my Afather, Her Baby Boy... (She has 2 other children, but the connection isn't the same), and I am still in full greiving mode when it come to my Afather, I just some days don't know which end is up...
So I am just in a slump, one I can't control, one I am powerless over, and one that I am going to have to be strong for my son for, and that is the hardest reality of it all... That one just brings tears to the thought of it... So that is were I am, that is why all prayers are welcome.
All and 2 weeks ago I finally weined myself from my anxity meds, and now, I am questioning if it was truly the right time, to see if I should rething that one, I haven't caved yet, but I think soon I may find the need, I keep saying that this too will pass.. And Praying to my HP that is correct...
I am so very sorry for yet another difficult passage for you and your family. Goodbyes are very,very hard especially now that you are still grieving the loss of your father/grandfather.
I know you would do anything to be able to "Fix" this for your son and the feeling of powerlessness is painful.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please see if there are alateen meetings in your area your son may be ready to attend.
Gracious Lord Jozie...I was just outside reliving one of the past tragedies from my past, standing detached outside of the stage and watching a rerun of it including my reactions and consequences at that time. And then I came back into reality again...It does pass and we get to put it into storage because we survived it and new possibilities and events come and go. Those to will pass the good ones and the not so good ones. Each time we go thru it we get stronger and wiser and we come to understand that when things hurt the best place to go sit it out is in the palms of HP. We can curl up until they pass and then continue with life on life's terms. Your twelve year old son is new on this journery for me the best thing to share with him was what you did when your were twelve...do you remember? That's your ESH at twelve and if he asks you what did you do about it you can share that also. The Alateen suggestion is super if that is available for him. There is nothing like peer support.
I could share with him being taken out of Hawaii for the mainland and not wanting to go because everything and everyone was staying behind. That was the scaredest and lonliest I've ever felt. I had wishes that my mom would let me stay behind and be taken care of by a close friend family who offered and then it didn't happen. It was the roughest time of my life and it took me 5 years to live thru it and then come back home without the rest of the family. I made it home! It passed and I got to get back with the other part of my family that I missed so much. Show him how you talk to your Higher Power and how you have learned to turn uncontolable things over to HP and trust.
I feel so bad for you, your son, and your entire family. He is a smart young man who is asking all the right questions (questions we've all asked ourselves - "WHY").
I wish I could give you some experience, but I have none. Just know that you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.
My cousins lived in California. We loved it when they came to our big family things.
Was awful when they left. Then my cousin lived with us a year and went home. Was so darn hard.
Twelve is a hard age for a boy. My thought is, school starts soon, does he have friends?
If he has a good one, maybe he can take him to grammas when he goes. From my experience if you can show you are ok, he will be much better.
Maybe get him into what ever he is interested in. Fishing, motorcycle etc. Sure helped my son at that age. His dad is A, abandoned him.
The man who raised him died. So loss is loss. I am so sad for you guys. sure know how you feel.
You are a good caring mom, our hearts will show us the way with our kids.
Life is full of change, it is ok. When things go a different way, I go along with it until I am comfy with it.
Proud of him for letting things out and not bottling up. That tells me lots about your relationship.
Is he a dog person? I tell ya, a puppy or nine month old dog for him to train would do wonders. Helps him as other kids will come to him to see his dog and get to know him.
My son had a Basset hound who came to all his baseball games, and sometimes, played in them...oops and boy a Basset can get a ball very slobbery!
Hi Jozie....what I see here is a little boy who has been bottling things up and has now been triggered to let it all out....and in return you have been triggered. You have been through a LOT and your emotions are raw. Tears are a good thing, theyre cleansing and healing. Its good that he trusts you to tell you these things. Here is an opportunity for growth....you are solid in your programme... you have much to offer him.....he may be ready for Alateen?
When I was 12 I understood far more than my elders gave me credit for....my mother had died the previous year and I was, with good intentions, taken away from my Dad and my home, and most importantly my best friend.... to be looked after by my Auntie....I was never given the opportunity to discuss this and it was when I was fourteen I took myself back to my Dad. The person I spoke to about all this was my best friend, we wrote to each other almost daily ....and I still turn things over with her today...we have been friends for 50 yrs.
Does your son have a bf.
Im sorry you are all hurting....deep breaths honey....minute at a time.
You are all a blessing to me, and I am most grateful for your time and patience that you show me. And I am most Grateful for all the Prayers ...
As for Al-teen the thought crossed my mind, but there is NONE availible in my area, anywere and I don't think he is ready for an open Al-Anon meeting just yet...
I do explain to him why his AUncle is who and what he is, he knows of his addictions, and knows of his incarserations, and when the family is all up in a frinzy over him, he knows that it was AUncles habits that got him were he is...
He also knows what took APap's life (Alcohol), I don't lie to him, because I was lied to all my life about my Afathers drinking, druging, sleeping around, other kids, everything... And when my son was born i promised myself and him that he would not be lied to by me. If he ask I answer to the best of my ability.
He does have (1) other cousin that he is close to, same age, but it is on his dad's side of the family, they have been best friends since birth, and grew up more like brothers then cousins, thanks to the efforts of myself & my SIL...They is nothing about them that is the same, but they have never fought, and barely a disagreement... they have a wonderful connection and I know that came from God alone...
His dads family are not as close knit as mine in the sense, we do picnics & breakfast a couple times a year, and are together EVERY holiday... Now there are going to be alot of empty seats at those events, and his playmates are all leaving...He is already grieving the holidays and they are not anywere close. I have explained to him that we don't know what tomorrow brings, and I do tell him how I am feeling and what I do to make myself feel better, but yesterday the mention of their name took his good day and turned it upside down...
He is in full swing Soccer right now, so I think that will help him, or at least distract him till they leave, but he told me he fears losen their closeness... I told him he could write, and send them pictures and such but he doesn't feel it will be enough and they will forget him.. (He is the one THEY looked up too)
He does have three dogs at home that help in the distraction of it as well, but he is just in a pain that I can't heal... A pain I can't fix, and A pain that has him really confused...He is my only child and it kills me that "I" can't fix it and make it better, it isn't something I can put a bandade on and come back to it later... My Fear... Seeing my Abrother & His EXAgirlfriend and not beating the living crap out of them for hurting my son & thier own children...THAT'S MY FEAR...
I have taken every chance I have had to talk to him about the "A's" in our family, and how it is an addiction, and a Disease, and how what they see as their choices maybe wrong in our eyes, but it is still their choice to live their lives as they choose. I think me not lieing to him about all this is a help but I also think it makes a little boy grow into a Young Man much faster then he should..
Also, When these (2) children where born, he finely had someone to doddle over, and he was excited about teaching them things, and they do really look to him for guidence because their lives are ALWAYS in some form of drama filled Hell.. He has been a great Cousin to them and talks to them about right and wrong, and I believe that is something that he is greiving as well. He is affraid he is loosing that connection to them.. And he told me he didn't know who would protect them now that they are without family in a strange town..(Their Mother is an A Also). I told him we just have to pray to God that he will take care of them, and some day bring them safely home..
So water works I am hoping are going to soon pass, but I know that this week is going to be a long one, and the final day is going to be the toughest, and then to go next weekend AGAIN and do the same as Grandma packs up for AZ, its just going to be tough, on all of us... My Husband doesn't understand it, for he doesn't have a "super" close knit family, they all stay at a distance from one another, and "I don't know that kind of family", for me... His family I care for and love with all my heart the same as mine, but he is just that of a differant cloth so that truly isn't helping my greiving process at all... He believes if it is out of our control then why greive over it...
Sooo This is my support system, this is were I come for my hugs of support... And you are ALL wonderful for thinking of me & my family and for giving me your prayers & ESH... I will be forever grateful to have such a wonderful safe place to fall...When I can't hear HP thru my own tears... I know he is there, sometimes tho I get so wrapped up it, it is more of a muffled sound, but i am still trying to believe... I am right were I am suppose to be, and know that HP has a plan for all invovled... Just wish I better understood it, for the sake of my son...
Your postsbrought up some pain and sadness for me. Some old memories and some recent. Leaving seems to be apart of life. Life is tough sometimes and it just makes us tougher. Can you take lots of pictures for the kids to look at when everyone leaves? With technology nowadays can the kids communicate thru MySpace and Facebook? Just thought.
I just heard the news this week that my sons's wife left with my two grandchildren (4 mos and 20 months). I immediately went to panic, anger, etc. I was ready to jump off the cliff at the thought of losing them when I have barely gotten to know them. So I said stop to myself - where is my program? Aren't I in recovery going to meetings, reading the literature, learning all I can about addictions/dysfunctional behavior? And definitely what are my son's and my options. So I have focused on action rather then reacting to the situation. It helps (not easy). Hope everything works out.
((((((Jozie))))))))), More prayers on the way for you and your family. What a precious loving son you have. Addicttion is such a huge thing to wrap your mind around. I can hardly do it at 31 let alone as a child.
Maybe the alateen daily reader would be helpful for him. A very dear friend sent one to me for my daughter and the little stinker is getting it faster than I am :). It is helping her with the feelings...information, facts I can talk to her about that, but her feelings that is where I needed assistance with.
yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
