The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been here once before really quickly to just read but after another "dysfunctional" episode with my BF last Sunday, I returned to this site and signed up
I don't even know where to begin telling my story, but I can say that from reading non stop here for 2 days, my entire world just opened up and all the "what the HELL was that" moments all came together. I'm reading story after story and I feel like I wrote most of them.
I've been with my BF for 4 yrs. I knew immediately there was something "odd" about him and his behaviors.
A little background. I'm in my mid 40's, never married (by choice), no kids (by choice). I've been in 4 long term r/s. The first one when I was 16 and was with him for 6 yrs. I left him because he was a drug addict. Then I was with a guy for 11 yrs. This guy was not a addict at all but was an unmotivated person with little empathy. We were young and did have a happy 9 of the 11 yrs together. He cheated on me and left me
Then was single for 2 yrs. Then met a guy 11 yrs younger than me who was a full blown addict. Drugs, booze, sex, you name it, he was addicted to it. I had NO IDEA he was an addict until 6 months into it. He cheated on me and left, twice.
I went to codependency therapy for 6 months and thought I was ok.
Then I was single 9 months and met my current BF. He was well dressed, good job, came from a good Jewish family. Has two kids etc. But a few months into it, I knew there was something unusual about him. Didn't take me long to figure out he was a "drunk".
Talk about denial, I had no idea I had a pattern. Now looking back, I see my BF from when I was 16 was a hard core addict. He's actually one of my closest friends today and still struggles with addiction. He has been to AA, NA, therapy over and over and over and he still can't stop. He's been left by me, his wife, his amazing wonderful GF. Now he's been alone 9 yrs
My current BF was married to an addict. Again, a nice girl from a wealthy family. My BF and her do not call themselves addicts because they think they are above everyone and are "proper". I've seen my BF ex's wife wasted drunk and drive her kids. No one, NO ONE, did anything to stop her
My BF's family is in such denial of everything.
After my Bf's wife left him (she cheated and left him for another man....seems to be a pattern of addicts), MY Bf moved in with a girl within 2 months. This girl was a bartender with a serious cocaine/booze addiction. They fed each other. He left her b/c she tried to kill herself but also attacked him physically. I don't believe he left her. When him and I met, he was still seeing her (though he denies it) but they used to argue on the phone right in front of me. He claimed she was "trying to win him back" I was the reason he left her. He claims I make this stuff up!
In any case, I can go on and on...........to sum up.
I left my BF SO many times. Each time because he was out of control rude, mean, did some funky things to weird to even talk about and finally last yr he verbally attacked me. I left him, this time I was not coming back.
He came to me 3 weeks later saying he is going to AA. He's been in AA ever since. But his behavior was still rotten and he's an immature, out of control angry human. He blames me for everything and takes ZERO blame for his actions. He claims on his kids souls he is not angry, but it's me that has all the anger When he does something bad he can NEVER apologize. When he does he will say "I'm sorry you take me wrong and get offended"
Not "sorry about being a jerk"
His kids are being affected really badly. His kids are now 14 and 12 and are SO SCEWED UP. He's denied it, told me it's because I hate kids that I don't want to be around them. But really, these kids are a mess. I finally pushed so hard to get his son to get some therapy. This kid is scary. Like "no eye contact, hurt small animals" scary. His daughter is a spoiled rich kid who is obese and eats and eats and eats. NO ONE IN THIS FAMILY is doing a thing to stop it!
The boy is in therapy and the doc said he suffers from detachment and paranoia. The whole family says "no, he's fine, he'll grow out of it"
In all my pain and bad r/s, I NEVER EVER once lashed out physically at anyone. I've never hit another human in my life. Well with my Bf last Dec, I went at him like a crazy person and just attacked him. He pushed me down so hard, I hit my head on the floor. He said to me "look what you made me do"
Then this past month, I kicked him out of the house and pushed the door closed and the door caught his foot and he went NUTS. Came at me with all his force (he's a strong dude) and pushed me so hard, I fell back about 4 ft and hit the back of my head on the hard wood floor. This time he came up to me and said "look at the baby hit her head" and he left. I could have been really hurt and he just left!
I WAS IN SHOCK!
I could not understand why I snapped. Now I get it!
It's like a light bulb went off in my head this past Sunday and I ran to the PC and googled DRY DRUNK. BINGO. The skies opened up. He's a dry drunk.
How do I deal? I do not want to go to Al-anon meetings. How do you not just walk away? How can I just walk away and not come back? I do have to admit though, I thought he was a loser jerk with ZERO heart and now realize, being a dry drunk is why he's out of control
I did just order AL-anon books on line.
I work at a great job, am in school getting a medical degree. Take care of myself. I have great friends. So not sure I can understand why I stay?
I'm sorry if I sound out of control. I am so upset, scared and really don't know where to turn
I come from such a good home. We are not perfect, but my Mom and Dad have been married happily for 54 yrs. My sisters and I never married but my older sister has two kids and a great man she's been with for 27 yrs.
I find the best thing for me is often doing the thing I want to do the least.
My recommendation to you is to get to some Al-Anon meetings, despite the resistance to them. No one's going to bite you, judge you, out you, reject you. You're more likely to get warm smiles, maybe a hug or two and some soothing understanding.
How do I deal? I've learned how to live with my AH because of consistent work in the Al-Anon program, and that includes consistent meetings and face-to-face as well as voice-to-voice contact with other Al-Anon members including my sponsor.
So many of your questions will be answered when you start working the program.
Thank you for sharing with us. And keep coming back.
You have made a good start. Coming here, ordering alanon books and having the courage to share honestly is the beginning of a wonderful process to regain yourself. I too can relate to acting completely against my nature while dealing with this disease. Alanon tools, meetings, sharing and the 12 Steps enabled me to reclaim the person I always wanted to be.
Please keep coming back- read the liturature, visit the chat room and try the on-line meetings you are worth it!!
Just a thought (no judgement here) - 3 of 4 long term relationships you've had as an adult are with alcoholics or addicts... Yet you say you "really don't want to go to Al-Anon".... just a reflection - something ain't working here - choosing Al-Anon, or at least keeping an open mind to it, might at least help you NOT repeat the same choices??
Take care.... glad you're reading books and posting here.... keeping an open mind to it all is important...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Chicken or the egg? Dry drunk alchoholic, or just the person?
The thing is, it is what is, labelling it, doesn't help me, so what to do about it?
Well I think we have to decide what is healthy for us to be around, what is acceptable and what isn't, what reasonable outcome are we going to happily and sensibly going to be able to live with.
For me it was like (((((((YAY))))))) he's a dry drunk,now that explains everything, ((((NO)))), it's about healthy behaviours and attitudes, on both sides.
I'm still figuring this one out, best I can do is take care of me, keep reading keep learning, take care.
Just a thought (no judgement here) - 3 of 4 long term relationships you've had as an adult are with alcoholics or addicts... Yet you say you "really don't want to go to Al-Anon".... just a reflection - something ain't working here - choosing Al-Anon, or at least keeping an open mind to it, might at least help you NOT repeat the same choices??
Take care.... glad you're reading books and posting here.... keeping an open mind to it all is important...
Tom
Hello fellow Canuck!
I understood 5 yrs ago something was not working so this is why I went to coda therapy for 6 months. I thought I had a good grip on it, but obviously I did not. My reasons for not wanting to go to an actual meeting are not in relation to my denial about "getting it" It's about a few things like lack of time (work 43 hrs a week and go to school), and also because I've been involved with meetings like alanon before and realized the format is not for me.
thanks for the kind words and the welcome.....my mind has never been so open. I've seriously not slept in days with all this info floating around my head.
I'm going to absorb everything I can about this and work on me and getting "healthy"
Just not sure how I should deal with my BF now. I've not spoke to him since Sunday and frankly wish I had the courage to leave for good, but I know a talk will have to come. I just don't know what to say to him anymore.
I am glad you posted and explained where you are at the moment. I agree you do need to have a conversation with your boyfriend and would suggest that you take time and think what you would like to say and then:
"Say what you mean-Mean what you say- and Do NOt say it mean.
I find that the tools I learned in alanon over 25 years ago must be used , by me every day in order to live with courage, serenity and a little wisdom.
When you're ready, you'll be ready. I sense maybe you don't want to let go of all this yet and no one is asking you to. It's all hard to deal with emotionally which is why the meetings can be much more overwhelming than online, and the books. When you are at a face to face meeting, there is not much to hide your emotions behind, but no one will pressure you.
You say you just want to walk away, but most likely, the problems you're facing if you do walk away will still persist. You may find the same things in your next relationship. You don't want to go to al-anon. I understand. I didn't want to go either. I was so mad at my dry drunk. I thought "HE has the problem, why do *I* need to get help?"
What I learned in al-anon is peace. I'm not perfect either, and I have moments of insanity where all of the madness comes rushing back in, but I did need to go. I went to my first meeting, then left and didn't go back for 3 months, but I went back and understand how my reactions have fed my dry drunk.
Yes most of us here have been in or had simular relationships as you have mentioned above, My consern would most like be the abuse end of it, when some can come at me with anger, and knock me to the ground weather I am hurt or not hurt, that is not love in any stretch of the word, and I personally wouldn't care if they were a "dry Drunk" "Still a drunk" or "Not a drunk at all", and this is why...
When I was a young child I watched my AFather Beat my mother to the point were she would have blackened eyes, holes in our walls, and tho the beatings started as simple as a push, or a shuv, or a smack... They progressed in to a Punch, a busted head, or his hands around her throat trying to choke the life out of her... I remember because after a whie, he didn't care if we seen him or not...
I know you have no children, but please care for yourself enough to know when to get out, and away from the abuse, save yourself and let his God handle him as he sees fit... Only you can make the choice to stay or to go, but Vilence has never just disappeared... And in my experience has only got'n worse, never better...
If you don't care to go to F2F meetings that is your call, Here at MIP we offer On-Line Meetings were you can sit and listen to others or you can share your story, and these boards you can learn so much from.. I know I have... And the books are wonderful... Some of the Daily readers are great for times like this were you just need to "Hear" or "Feel" someone elses story to see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE...
I pray for you that you Keep Coming Back... Keep Posting, we are not here to Judge you, more we are here to help you see that you are worth SOO MUCH MORE then you are giving yourself credit for... You Are Worth a Happy, Non-Abusive, (Weather Verbel or Physical) Relationship...
Take what you like and leave the rest... Friends In Recovery Jozie
Welcome to MIP! It has saved my life and going to face to face meetings. That is an option when you are ready. I am married to a dry drunk. He left a 30+ marriage four years ago. He has been sober for over 20 years. What I go thru with him is worse then any active drinking episodes I ever dealt with. They say they are frozen emotionally. He went to AA for awhile years ago and is not in a program. It is difficult to find common ground.
Take care of yourself. Read the books. I have them all! Keep coming back.
Aloha Lavash...I'm glad you found MIP and decided to participate. This membership like the ones we experience in face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups is so full of experiences that work and have worked for others. I've been around recovery for a while and recovery never fails to repeat itself in the sharing of MIP members. These brothers and sisters care and always offer what they know and know that they know and what has worked for them. What I learned as a brand new "second trip" member of the Al-Anon Family Groups was that "they" knew and I didn't and if I wanted just a little chance at better I needed to let them lead and to follow myself and to trust their suggestions.
You have assets one being that you are in the medical field or field of study. You have real information about alcoholism and it's ability to destroy not only the alcoholic but those who come in contact with the alcoholic. They have three choices..."sobriety, insanity or death". We have the same three choices, "serenity insanity or death". What phase of the disease do you think you are in right now?
Here is a wake up call. If you think (and you probably have not yet about this) that it can't get worse for you, It can and will unless something is done to arrest it the progress of the disease. You still have much to loose and alcoholism will take it all given the chance and unresisted by change. Al-Anon is about change. It's about changing you. The reason you are in the condition you are in is the consequences of your choices. You can only get more of it by doing more of it.
If you want your life to change for the best then do what it is that you resist the most. If you continue to live it the best you know how you will keep getting more of what you now have. "My best thinking got me here" is only one piece of awareness that got me into program.
You don't want to go to Al-Anon and I didn't either. I went just to say that "I tried that!!" and then I stopped. My situation got worse as was predicted and I slipped out of insanity and nearly reached the death option and then I came back in and sat down and stayed. "It isn't required that you like it" just give it some serious work for the first 90 days." It saved my life and I'm one of hundreds of thousands who can now say that honestly.
We only do this in little bites and one day at a time never loosing our freedom to make our own choices. Give it a shot.
wow, thanks to ALL of you for your time and thought provoking insights.
The main reason I don't want to go to a meeting is I am overwhelmed with life right now. I get up at 5 AM daily, and get home at 7:30 pm. I go to bed at 9 and have a million things to do. Working full time and going to school takes A LOT out of me. I also have lupus. Living alone with all of this on my plate is enough. I cannot even think about taking time to attend a meeting.
Sounds like an excuse, but it's not. When I was on sick leave from my job last yr, I went right to therapy and went 2 x a week for 6 months. I've been in therapy 3 different times.
Jerry. you ask what stage of "the disease" am I in, I don't have a disease except lupus. I don't in any way consider my codependency a disease. I am fully responsible for my actions and won't blame this on something that is out of my control such as a disease.
Can it get worse? With this BF yes, after him no. If/when I leave, I won't be dating for a very long time. No exceptions. Well wait, that's not true, Unless Hugh Jackman comes calling, then I may reconsider
My BF emailed me today saying he's going to start the 12 steps, get a sponsor and get one on one therapy. I told him I had to start to disconnect from his life in order to place all the focus on me. He agreed, was not angry and I'll see him in a month or so to get a few things in order. To get the books, this site and talk more about it really into my head before talking to him again.
Everyone is so kind here, it makes it so easy to talk
Hello! I too have found I have severe codependency issues and know first hand how incredibly difficult it is to walk away! I married a man who was emotionally abusive to me and it took over a year to get an apartment, I was so afraid to leave him because I knew he "needed" me though I also knew he destroyed me!
Finally one day I did it. In a haze I went and rented an apartment. My heart shattered I felt SOOO guilty and felt I had abandoned him. I knew that I did EVERYTHING for him and worried sick he wouldnt be able to manage without me there! that was a year and a half ago and it STILL hurts! The ONLY advice I have for you that will seem impossible and out of this world is this. FORCE ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND WALK AWAY!!!! Try to get far enough away from him that you dont have to see him, talk to him, NOTHING. Your codependent issues and his game will suck you right back in without you even knowing it if you deal with him! So leave him. Block his number on your phone. Make sure he cannot contact you.
THEN (again from experience) what I have found to work beautifully is this. Go find a great therapist and rehash all of these things, discuss with your therapist EVERYTHING from your youth to current day so that as you repeat patterns you will recognize them and be able to stop those particular behaviors. Having a third party to help you see things from a different perspective is LIFE CHANGING!
I STILL struggle with feeling "obligated" to be there for my ex but I now can truly see how damaging that relationship was to me and logically understand why I must never go back. Emotionally I am catching up and beginning to form new and healthier emotional habits. And surely, as I go to repeat old patterns I catch them and can often stop them in their tracks.
