The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A lovely person gave me these words on my first post......
"I know for me the signs that the ex A was an alcoholic addict were always there. I made a point of not seeing them. Then I denied them, then I hoped they would get better. I did my share of confrontation. He always put on a great show about that. In fact he was even more resolute that he was going to continue using.
I took a long long time to accept all that."
I spent a week with my ex-A a month after we met. He's in the military. We lived in two different cities.
During my first visit I saw all the signs. A birthday card from his mother wishing for recovery. Drinking every night until he'd stagger himself down the hallway to bed. Letters from another woman saying "they were meant to be together and she would help him stop drinking." I was so freaked out that I slept on the couch one night trying to find out how to get myself to the airport the next day to make an "early escape."
But for some reason I stayed. I don't know why.
I was crushed. I knew he was someone with whom I would NEVER be able to have a relationship. I already loved him so very much. Why do A's have so much charm?
I cried & cried over the disappointment. One friend told me, "It's ok. He treats you better drunk thank most others would sober. Give him a chance." His father would tell me, "It's just something he does once in a while as a coping mechanism." Even my mom, "Give him until June and see if he gets better." Every one of them, while well meaning, caused me to doubt myself - my inner voice.
That led me to the second phase - not seeing the signs. If everyone else would give him a chance, why can't I? During my next two visits he didn't drink at all. We had a glorious time. All was well with the world and I was in love. Then he left for Korea.
We communicated via Skype all the time. He never appeared drunk. Was always very supportive of me and my situation (I've been without a job since January). I couldn't have asked for a better friend. His parents telling me "He looks like he's doing really well." Out of sight, Out of mind. Right? Denial?
But then he came home for vacation. He drank every night. I'm sure he'd drink even more after I'd gone to sleep. We stopped at a party store/gas station for a potty break and he had alcohol on his breath when he got in the car. What?????? It was only a couple minutes. I didn't understand. But then he "described" the party store had a bar one side of it. His mind contrived a way to get a quick fix during a pee break. I found an empty bottle of tequila in his backpack after he'd blacked out in the bathroom one night.
There it was - back in my face just like it had been nearly a year ago. What should I do?
I kept trying to give him chances. Three, in fact. But then I drew the line. Enforced my boundaries. The hardest thing I've ever had to do, by far. I still miss him. I still crave him. But I know, just like in the beginning, I could NEVER have him. Time to move forward.
I write all of this so those who are struggling with boundaries know that the patterns (signs) are the same for each of us. They just take different forms. And you, too, have the strength to take a stance and no longer accept the A behavior! You have the right to a better life! You are not weak, held captive by the alcohol or alcoholic. You are strong and know you deserve the best you can get!
It's hard. It's sad. It's powerful. It's senseless. But I know you can do it. For you! If not for anyone else = for you!
I know why I stayed was because I could not cope with the loneliness and sense of defeat I had around letting go. I stayed until there was nothing but a shred left. I stayed until he hurt me, destroyed my belongings, neglected our dogs, destroyed his credit, destroyed his health, got us evicted and more. I think there is no question I'd still be there if I did not have al anon.
These days I know he was surrounded by people who were either addicts or enablers. He had a mother who alternatively rejected him and then rescued him, a brother who used probably more than he did. I was looking to all the wrong people for help and suggestions. I was doing the typical al anon going to the butchers to buy bread.
Detaching was so so essential for me. I had to practice it day in day out. I had to put all the focus off the A and onto my own life. As his life as a disaster and he craved attention 24/7 that was pretty hard to do. Gradually I learned not to respond to his provocation. I stopped rescuing. I know without a doubt I would not have even considered doing any of those actions without al anon. I received patient, loving, firm support from so many members here. I would often come and spill out my desperation and devastation here. I stopped going to the butchers to buy bread.
You are absolutely in the right place being here. No one here will tell you when, how, what you should do but their suggestions are wise, clear and direct and just that suggestions. I know I followed the suggestions, fell down, got up and carried on. My life is far far far from easy now. I have tremendous challenges but they are my own challenges. My life is no longer wrecked by someone else's self destruction.
I should add that I believe now that the things I saw in the ex A at the beginning were an illusion. I needed so I made him into the person I needed. I needed someone full stop so I held on. I doubt very much I could ever have admitted I knew in the beginning he was a disaster, my needs overwhelmed me. What I needed was not what he had to offer so I have to be very careful not to construct someone who fits the mold in future.
Boy can I relate to what you say, much as I did to your post yesterday. Thank you for that - BTW.
I have been single for 15 years now. Barely even had a date or two - by choice. When I met D~, I was immediately smitten. We were introduced by his father.
We had a TON in common, including our love for aviation! I will be graduating this month with a 4.00 with my Masters of Aeronautical Science. In other words ~ I'm a pretty smart gal. He is in the Air Force as an aircraft mechanic. On our first date we actually had a conversation about the breakdown of composite materials on F-15's. He didn't run because I had a brain!!!!!!!! Immediately I was in L-O-V-E!
My policy has always been I don't "need" anybody, but want to share the companionship of another. He was that person. I didn't have to compromise my morals, beliefs or brain. And, oooohhhhhh did it feel good. And, it felt so, so right. We really had a special friendship. I truly believe he loved me as much as he was able.
But the full exposure to his drinking made me realize, too, that "What I needed was not what he had to offer. I have to be very careful not to construct someone who fits the mold in the future." Just as you said, Maresie.
It is an awesome feeling to be loved. To be wanted. To have someone in your life whose kisses take your breath away as his did mine. But at what expense? To give up my dream? My pursuits? To take care of someone who can't even take care of themselves? Nope!
I want both - my dream job & my dream man! I will not settle for less no matter how much I want him or miss him!
You shouldn't settle either. Each and every one of us are uniquely and wonderfully created by God with our own gifts and talents. We should use them to glorify God & others. Not let someone suck them out of us.
Boy can I relate to what you say, much as I did to your post yesterday. Thank you for that - BTW.
I have been single for 15 years now. Barely even had a date or two - by choice. When I met D~, I was immediately smitten. We were introduced by his father.
We had a TON in common, including our love for aviation! I will be graduating this month with a 4.00 with my Masters of Aeronautical Science. In other words ~ I'm a pretty smart gal. He is in the Air Force as an aircraft mechanic. On our first date we actually had a conversation about the breakdown of composite materials on F-15's. He didn't run because I had a brain!!!!!!!! Immediately I was in L-O-V-E!
My policy has always been I don't "need" anybody, but want to share the companionship of another. He was that person. I didn't have to compromise my morals, beliefs or brain. And, oooohhhhhh did it feel good. And, it felt so, so right. We really had a special friendship. I truly believe he loved me as much as he was able.
But the full exposure to his drinking made me realize, too, that "What I needed was not what he had to offer. I have to be very careful not to construct someone who fits the mold in the future." Just as you said, Maresie.
It is an awesome feeling to be loved. To be wanted. To have someone in your life whose kisses take your breath away as his did mine. But at what expense? To give up my dream? My pursuits? To take care of someone who can't even take care of themselves? Nope!
I want both - my dream job & my dream man! I will not settle for less no matter how much I want him or miss him!
You shouldn't settle either. Each and every one of us are uniquely and wonderfully created by God with our own gifts and talents. We should use them to glorify God & others. Not let someone suck them out of us.
