The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am learning that we are not supposed to count on the alcoholic for support. But there are times (when he's sober) that I get major/much-needed support from my husband and I like the way he makes me feel.
I always assumed that spouses are supposed to support each other and count on each other? Or does that marriage "rule" fly out the window when alcoholism is a factor?
"Count on" means "expect". You say there times you get support; that implies that there are times you don't. Since you probably don't know when it's going to be one way or the other, that's why we say... don't count on it!
Great question , for me support means loyalty I may not agree with what he is doing *decissions etc.* but I try not oppose what he feels is right . I have a right to say how I feel about any situation and then let it go . Support his efforts at sobriety by minding my own business , his recovery is not up to me . He may not do it the way i think he should but ultimatley the choice is his alone . Support his efforts to improve our living conditions and to not let my fear of change hinder his efforts. In regards to my spouse I try and remember to just do the next right thing . If an alcoholic is still drinking it is insane for me to expect emotional support , one of the mistakes i made way too often was expecting my husb to act normal . there was a positive spin to not expecting too much from my husb , I leaned to look after my own needs to be responsible for my own happiness and consider him a bonus ( not the reason I am happy ) Support to me also means I don't criticize him , or treat him like a child I don't get into stupid arguments which only make things worse . and accept him just the way he is . (tough one ) quit trying to change him
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 06:05:52 PM
it is heartbreaking when the disease prohibits our loved ones from giving the things that we would like to have in our relationships - in recovery I have learned that sometimes those needs have to be met in other HEALTHY ways.
If my partner is unable to give me the moral support, compassion and understanding I need - then maybe I can get that thru my Al-Anon sponsor, friends and family.
If my partner is not sober and can't give me a healthy compassionate ear - maybe I can journal my feelings to my HP.
If my my partner is not available to show my those little tokens of love - I can show myself love by doing those little "nice" things for myself. I am worthy and do deserve them. It's called self-care.
Just things that have been shared with me and helped me when I was living with the active disease.
HUGS, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I believe that they can't be "Counted on" however they can at times show love & effection... I believe that as long as I don't Expect it, I see it as a blessing and try not to "Expect" it next time. I try to enjoy the Support they do show when they do, but I also know that it will be short lived and as long as I don't expect it to always be that way, I am saving myself much pain down the road...
You like the way he makes you feel, because he validates you at that moment. I fully believe if we are in a healthy relationship we deserve validation at some level. The problem is, most of us here, are NOT in healthy relationships, so I guess, take what you can and leave the rest.
It is important to be validated. Whether it's in your job, or marriage, or from our parents or children, and we do like the way it "feels" - I agree with Barisax, though if you come to EXPECT it, you will most likely be disappointed.
This is a hard thing. Some days I so feel the need to be validated by my spouse. It's difficult. Some days he does it all on his own and I really appreciate it. It does come with a healthy relationship. What I have learned though is the more I am able to recognize his efforts, the better he is at recognizing mine. I take a hard look at how often I praise him.
