Having problems setting boundaries with husband - Al-Anon Family Group

java · Senior Member

Having problems setting boundaries with husband

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, good for you, a court date! I agree without good boundaries, it will make this all much more confusing for you. Plus when u do set & follow through on your boundaries, your self esteem will rise! At least that is how it worked for me. Keep it simple & make it less painful for yourself. ((((((java))))))

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A was very very ill when I left him. He had many ailments. What I have had to look at was that I was more concerned about his health than my own. I know where the pattern came from but I had to say no to it at a certain point.

Maresie.

Inpain · Senior Member

Hi Java,
I'm so glad you posted this.
Sometimes in al-anon (being a newbie) I feel so confused about the information, as if shouldn't have expectations or boundaries and I'm just glad to see this post.

One of the best pages I read recently on boundaries was here:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

I know I am struggling when I am OVER explaining the boundary and recently that happened. I needed to step back from that.

I think it's perfectly healthy to have boundaries and being a codependent all my life I had shaky boundaries at best and I think every boyfriend I had could sense it, and knowing that, they took advantage. Only when I am able to let go of the outcome, will I be able to protect myself.

Thank you for posting.

Jessie39 · Newbie

HI - I am completely new to this... well not new to dealing with As but having to deal with an AH. The steps seems so easy and so hard at that same time. I think this is a good place for me to start. The letting go seems the hardest!

java · Senior Member

Thanks everyone for replying to my post, very helpful, and thanks InPain for the link to Setting Personal Boundaries. It was a very good read. I think it helped to remind me that when I speak to someone about my feelings I need to precede that with the words, "I feel". That was a good reminder for me today. Also something that I hadn't thought of was the difference between setting a boundary and manipulating. I liked the explanation of when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome...Let Go and Let God as it were. Another light bulb moment for me when I read the introduction to the article was "learning how to be a friend to ourselves". I think setting boundaries is definitely part of the process of "learning to be a friend to ourselves." Thanks for the post. It was such a long article I just got through the introduction, but I saved the link and will read the rest of the passage at my leisure. Thanks.

Java

Inpain · Senior Member

Java,
It is a long read, but when I'm feeling like a boundary is being threatened I read it. I actually read it last night. I too, have it bookmarked. I've changed the way I communicate a lot. It takes a LOT of reminding...
so instead of saying

YOU make me feel anxious all the time
I just say
I feel anxious

I'm not sure why the later is less confrontational, but it does seem to diffuse a lot of anger.

I've had a boundary challenged in the last week, and reading it gives me a LOT of personal comfort, but I'm so glad you posted this topic because sometimes in al-anon I feel like I'm not allowed to set a boundary, but the way this is explained I feel I can, it's just that I need to let go of the outcome :) biggrin

IP

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree and in the last year have been doing it too ~ I now own my feelings and can speak much more assertively by saying, "I feel this" not - oh ur making me feel this way. In English we do say this constantly in society - ur giving me a headache; you are making me angry or whatever - we speak like we are all victims of one another... when in reality no one can make u feel any sort of way - our feelings are our own to own.

It is manipulative & victimizing to say, my feelings are tied to you & you are creating feelings within me AND it simply is not true or possible. So I can see clearly how it would diffuse the situation for you (inpain) - it is empowering & responsible, otherwise it is manipualtive & victimizing.

Thanks for this addition on this thread. I posted on this & called it "you are making me sick" a couple of months ago.

Boundaries are for you, to protect you and they give u a plan of action. We all need healthy boundaries and deserve the self respect that following through on them gives us ~ we're worth it!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.