The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So after having much time to think on this I realize that I was pushing him into doing things he was not ready for, pushing him to move in, pushing him to make life changes, etc. I kept thinking if these few things were fixed everything would be perfect..... UGH. I saw it once I was away from it and out of the thing that was our love, our I can't live without you love. Finally, I went to his house yesterday and talked to him a good long talk and he says he doesn't want to work things out, doesn't want things to get like they were again. I don't want them like that either. I'm seeing my friends again, going to the beach, spending time with my kids, and the list goes on and on of things I was neglecting by spending all my time with him. It took him walking away for me to see it. I thought he was happy, I thought I was happy but in reality we were both just in a trance.
He said something yesterday "I realized I could live without you and I don't want to be with someone I can live without". And I thought, I want to be with with someone I don't want to live without but not that I can't live without. Actually I think I said that. On the one hand he hates the codependency and on the other he craves it and same with me. I slid down that slippery love slope and hit the rocks at the bottom and boy did it hurt. It's healing over now. So we decided to be "just friends" even though he knows how I still feel about him. I am hoping that by spending time with him as friends I will see if it was all a sugar coated obsession and say what was I thinking or realize hey I really do love this man. I'm wondering if this is the lesson I needed to learn, how to step back and let others live their lives and watch their mistakes silently and let them fall. How to love someone truly no matter what. Breaking free of the relationship cycle and stepping back and really getting to know the person without the passion and pushing to get what I want. Really listening and really knowing him, who he really is and not my glamorized version of him. Maybe I won't like him at all anymore.
I'm not one for taking things slow but it is being forced down my throat if I want any relationship at all with this guy. So we talked on the phone last night, he actually returned my calls and we made plans for one night this weekend to hang out. I'm hoping that his feelings of love for me are still buried in there somewhere and maybe we can start fresh with boundaries on time spent and how entwined we become. I think I'm starting to "get it". If nothing else I'll have him as a friend and I have been dating others but am not really interested in getting into a "serious" relationship with anyone at this point. The high is really unbelievable but the low is a horrible horrible thing.
I remember when you first came to the MIP site - how much pain you were in - how overwhelmed you were, how hopeless.
I read your post today - I still hear the pain but what I don't hear is the hopelessness.
I hear a strong woman - who has been thru H#LL but has refused to give up - someone who has taken the tough blows that has come to her in life and has chosen to pick herself up, dust herself off and Keep On Trying.
You are an awesome woman!! I truly see how you have used recovery in all aspects of your life. I know that you are hurting, but I do see how you maintain your strength, courage and wisdom to keep fighting the good fight!
Thanks for sharing and keep taking good care of YOU!!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I understand totally not being able to let him go right now. I do know how hard it is not to go full force into a relationship. Holding back is tremendously difficult. I absolutely over committed to lots of relationships in the past.
I don't hope anymore that anyone will come around. I have to accept them as they are and what is at the moment rather than go on "hope". "hope" never bought me anything with the ex A but more pain and fear and loneliness.
It is easy to mistake lust for love. That is one reason I don't even want to get intimate physically for a loooooong time. With my husband it was over a year. I wanted to know him and have a good foundation first. Both be on the same page.
Yes it hurts but it is great you are looking at what you learned. Have you ever thought about journaling?
Now if we can help you and your daughter survive each other. You don't know how much I wish I lived close to you so I could teach you some skills. I do know she is a tough one. She has just swallowed too much pain in her life and it is coming out very badly.
Did you ever tell me what she loves to do?
Keep coming and I invite you to respond to others. You have a lot of esh to share!
