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I haven't spoken to my dad since Christmas Day and haven't seen him since October / November time. He is an alcoholic and the last two times I saw him or spoke with him were awful. He was drunk to the eyeballs, saying inappropriate stuff and itmade me feel so miserable. I am 33 now and I have put up with his drinking since I was 15. I have tried to help him quit by taking him to AA (obviously in vain) and am aware of my powerlessness - though I was hoping that by not contacting him it would make him rethink his drinking and choose a relationship with his daughter over drink.
I feel guilty for not seeing him and for all I know he could be in a dreadful state. He's an end stage alcoholic with cirrhosis an his time is very limited. However, there comes a time when enough is enough - when you can't put up with any more of the mental torture that is seeing a loved one destroy themselves mentally and physically - but i still love him and abandoning a loved one is a crappy thing to do.
SylviaPlath wrote:I feel guilty for not seeing him and for all I know he could be in a dreadful state. He's an end stage alcoholic with cirrhosis an his time is very limited. However, there comes a time when enough is enough - when you can't put up with any more of the mental torture that is seeing a loved one destroy themselves mentally and physically - but i still love him and abandoning a loved one is a crappy thing to do.
Sylvia,
I am sorry for your dilema. In al-anon we say you can't control the alcoholic, you can't cure them and you certainly can't change them. That is something they have to decided to do for themselves, if they ever do.
As you have experienced any amount of controling on our part (like taking him to an AA meeting) usually just doesn't work. I would also suggest that you ask yourself if you have severed your ties with your dad to "punish" him, to try to get him to quit, because that tactic rarely works either.
I would ask myself what I wanted out of this relationship and what "I" could live with. You say that your dad is in the last stages of alcoholism, that his time is very limited. Can you live with the fact that you have cut off all ties with him once he is gone or do you want to have "some" type of relationship with him before he goes? I think the answer to that question will help you decide whether or not to reinitiate contact with him or not. It is completely up to you. But you need to decide how "you" feel, not whether or not your actions will make the alcoholic do "this" or "that" because frankly, we don't have that much control.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Welcome to al-anon Sylvia. You grew up with this disease, you are an ACoA (adult child of alcoholic/addict) like I am. Abandonment is a serious issue for us and so is the (false) guilty feelings that motivate our behavior. I agree with OC, are u trying to punish ur dad or teach him a lesson or are u simply ready for detachment from this? Loving detachment takes time to understand. You can set boundaries for yourself when you are with your dad to give yourself an option when seeing or talking to him. For instance the second anything comes up that is inappropriate or emotionally hurtful, u can say "nice to see u dad but now it's time for me to go" and go off, and let it go (follow the boundary).
We have a lot of unresolved emotional junk that needs to be sorted out & dealt with. I know I did have guilt from the past, as well as the false guilt I was programmed to have. When I was a kid & teenager & young adult I thoguht it was my job to make & keep my mother happy. When I wasnt doing this insane behavior, I felt guilty - that is an example of what I mean by "false" guilt.
In al-anon you get to learn to focus on you and what u need & want out of life. We cant tell u what to do in your relationships but we can help you navigate them & sort through them as u go.
I always suggest the book 12 Steps for Adult Children to any acoa's I meet, as that book helped me sort out my twisted & confused feelings and get to the heart of what my actual issues were/are.
There is hope and there is more to life than feeling guilty or scared all the time. You can learn to not react but actually respond in a healthy way. It all takes time to absorb, meetings, listening & learning and with willingness and honesty you can do it and have whatever kind of life you want.
Welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome to MIP! You will find alot of support here and people who know your story. My alcoholic dad passed away. He was aware of AA and how it works but didn't use it. Even after his death I don't know what to say to him or about him. He drank and that is that. My mother is elderly. She is so codependent as a result of living with an alcoholic and being an ACOA. I have never gotten along with her. I find that I have to limit my time with her to keep it sane. I also give her a hug when I leave. I would not want her to pass on and have the memory of not hugging her one last time just because I am angry at her. Hope this helps.
In that sort f situation, I would check my motive. You said that you have cut contact in the hope that he may get sober. Those kinds of tactics don't work.
All it did was make you feel worse. Acceptence is key.
I would think it would come down to how would I feel if he died tomorrow? Would I be ok with my decision and my actions? And if I wouldn't I would do something about it.
You can love the A and hate the disease. It's hard to seperate them, but it is possible.
I know the pain of which you speak. The father/daughter bond is one of the most powerful of any family relationship. However, an unhealthy relationship is just that regardless of who it's with.
I grew up with an alcoholic father. I can relate to the verbal abuse you write about, along with physical. At 43 I still live with his voices in my head. However, I want to encourage you and let you know it is ok to take a stance and distance yourself from his brutal behavior.
Like you, I talk to my father once a year, if that. I may see him every couple years. I don't do it to punish him or hope he gets sober. I do it to protect myself from him. That's what you have to do - protect yourself. And as guilty as you may feel because he's your dad, you have EVERY right to do so. DETACH! A word I'm becoming all to familiar with.
"DETACHMENT - is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are attaching. It is simply a means that allows US to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."
How do you live with the guilt if he were to pass away? You have to know that you did everything within yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with your father. It is not your fault if he doesn't accept or reciprocate. If my dad died tomorrow, I know deep down inside I did all I could to have a relationship with him. No matter how hard we try, we can't make someone love us or want us.
It's not easy, but it is possible. Encouragement & blessings to you.
Hawk120025.. thank you so much for your post, what you wrote just made me feel a thousand times better about myself, my need to detach, and about life in general.
