The material presented
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So, I opened and read my alcoholic fiances email today...found out that he had an adult friend finder account, and confronted him about it. He said he did it when he was drunk and high and it didn't mean anything to him. I feel betrayed, and now he is incredibly mad at me. I also read some flirtatious emails he sent to another woman at the beginning of our relationship. We were not serious yet, as we were living in two different countries, but he is constantly accusing me of being unfaithful when I am 100% committed to him. He is on his way to another state right now to attempt to get sober. I know I should not have invaded his privacy. I am feeling HORRIBLE right now. I am sitting here all alone wondering what I should do to make amends, even though I feel betrayed. Also, my timing was probably horrible, but the information I uncovered made me feel like I got punched in my stomach. Any thoughts or words of wisdom?
It took me quite a while and finally I realized I have to live and let live. It's an Alanon slogan. I can't waste my time worrying about him, or going through his things because I miss out on things I could be doing for ME and when I went through is things I always found something I would have rather not. One day at a time I worked on it. And I constantly remind myself live let live.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Aloha Mermaid and I'm assuming that neither he and yourself are in a program of recovery as of yet. If you want your life to get better and go better how you live it has got to change or else you will keep arriving back at the same old sick start all the time. Get the meeting places and times for Al-Anon in your area and commit to going for at least the next 90 days as often as you can. Learn how other family, friends, relatives and spouses of alcoholics and addicts have turned their unhappy lives around and have gone beyond just existing.
You are not alone, I've searched his things too. We lose trust, for good reason.
Ultimately... I want to be the partner that I would want to have. Do I want him snooping through my things?
When I committed myself to the program, I learned to watch myself, not him. I learned to be responsible for my behavior and I sure don't want to add to my list of amends. Once I got to step 3, I committed my life to HP's will. So today, I trust that if someone comes across my path who is not trustworthy, I am protected. I am never a fool for trusting my HP.
Don't beat yourself up. You apologized, that's enough, don't grovel or beg forgiveness anymore, we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and "stand in the new day." (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 08:20:50 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
There's two converse statements that helps me with things like that. One is "people who have nothing to hide hide nothing." That reminds me if I am in a relationship with someone and they are hiding stuff, it's a big red flag that I need to pay attention to and not discount.
Then there's the other . . . "what I don't know won't hurt me." That helps me to know that if I go searching for information that my HP didn't intended for me to know, I might hurt myself. And then how do I forget that I know that information?
keep working your program, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I don't think you need to make amends over much. You can apologize for invading his privacy, but, from what I've read, it looks like he is the one who should be apologizing. You say that the relationship isn't serious yet, though. If he's just now starting treatment, he's probably in no shape to be starting a relationship. He's not thinking straight.
I've noticed that a lot of people here either read their A's (or otherwise) emails or have their emeails read by their A's frequently. How is this? Are you all sharing your passwords with your significant others?
Wait a second, mermaid. There was a reason, some behavior of his that made you suspicious. And then you snooped and then you found evidence that he is untrustworthy.
If you had come out and asked him, or talked about your fears or feelings, would he really have put those fears to rest? Would he have been honest with the fact that he has been trolling? Doubt it.
I too found evidence of my ex's affair on his email account. And it was awful. And there was a huge part of me that wanted to apoloigize to him until it was all better again. BUt the truth was the truth. The facts were the facts and he couldn't despute them. Thank God because I had been living in the Land of Goofey with all of my ex's lies and fantasies.
It hurts but now you know what you are dealing with and you can decide how you want to proceed with this relationship.
P.S. my ex didn't start accusing ME of cheating until HE started. And I never cheated.
Just to clarify, we are in a serious relationship. He was sober when our relationship started, then he moved to be closer to me. We are now engaged and live together. He slipped back into using, and I started attending alanon. I am still a newbie, and working hard at keeping myself healthy, but unfortunately, I slip sometimes. He is working on getting sober again, and I will continue to work on myself. Thanks for all of your advice!
Ug. Mermaid. This gets to me. I'm on the other side of the spectrum here. First, he blameshifted the whole thing. He's MAD AT YOU? For what? Because he's trying to blame YOU for cheating? Noooooooooooo, he's mad because he got caught and is trying to turn things around. Make sure you have NONE of it.
So he did it when he was drunk and high...So he minimized your hurt and pain?
You feel bad because he turned it all around. Start focussing on yourself and making yourself better. There were red flags, you confirmed, now take care of yourself. You should feel sorry for nothing. You confirmed his untrustworthy, hurtful behavior, now focus on healing yourself and let him work on himself. Don't let him belittle you or your feelings again.
If I sound sensitive to this, I am. It's happened to me. Cheating to me is a form of emotional abuse. We do the best we can in al-anon to focus on ourselves and the positives and I do believe that's where healing begins.
