The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm struggling a bit today....still obsessing over sister and her lifestyle but didn't drive out to see if she was alright. She lost her phone because she didn't pay her bill...so she had no phone either. I struggled all weekend but was determined not to go out there and check on her. I read alot on codependency and recovery books and they were helpful but it still is a struggle for me. She used her ATM card again (she's way in the hole) and of course they charged her as much for the fee as what she was taking out. It drives me crazy that I worry more about her problems than she does. She will tell me...Don't Worry...what are you worrying about...it will be alright. She's 66 years old, lives out in the middle of nowhere, a truck that is on it's last leg and doesn't even have a phone now. I didn't realize just how sick I AM. Any encouraging words will be appreciated...I go to a meeting tomorrow...thank goodness.
It can be difficult not to worry, I bought two phones for my brother, he's on his third now, he lost the other two or they were taken from him, its hard not to be concerned, I ring him every now and again and keep in touch regularly but have also to stop enabling,
Yes, Honey this is hard - what helped me to detach and let go and Let God was the thought that I am giving my loved one the opportunity to find the dignity and self-respect to find their own way.
I am not hurting them, I am allowing them the ability to find their way to a healthier way of life - the ability to make the choice for a better day. If they choose NOT to make that choice - it is their own life and they have that right. Sometimes the disease will not allow them to make a healthier choice, but who knows - today could be the day that recovery starts in their lives. By me stepping out of the way - I am allowing their HP a direct line of contact to them.
That is just what has helped me.
Wishing you a day filled with Serenity, Joy and Hope, HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am glad you are going to a meeting tomorrow. In between meetings it helped me to call alanon members or just pick up one of our daily readers and read on the topic that was troubling me.
If all else failed I repeated the serenity prayer over and over in my mind.
Turn your sister and her problem over to HP and just take care of yourself.
It will get better
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 10th of August 2009 04:01:17 PM
Katie In last months "Forum Magizine" in an article written by someone who belongs to this board, a member related a story about an her Alocholic son. In the story it tells of a woman who had heard many, many men tell their story, and she had not heard one single one of them say they were saved by their Mama. I feel sure the same could be said for sisters. In Al-Anon as hard as it is to accept, it is suggested they have to find their own way, in their own time, without any interfrence from us.
At this point in all I have read, and all the times I have heard someone tell their story I have not heard a person say it wasn't the best thing they did for the A in their life. I am one of those people. It was hard, but it was worth it.
You can be proud of yourself, you have come a long way since your first post. Trust HP, he will take care of her. What better hands to be in than her HP.
Yes it is gut wrenching for us, and that is the point. We have to take care of us.
Our A's need to feel hungry, lonely, in need. Maybe they will get to the point of, well no one is going to help me so I better help myself.
We all need that to grow up. Maybe SHE will get tired of no phone, no vehicle. She must have a way to get what she uses as she it not worrying yet.
No matter what you do is going to change her or her life anyway. We have no control.
She is ok in her mind.
When we learn to take care of us, we realise our boundaries more,not theirs. We stop thinking about it almost every moment, we stop wanting to "help."
The A becomes our addiction. They use the same 12 steps as we do.
Meetings, MIP, reading. But also, get out, go for drives, go snoop in thrift shops or antique stores whatever. Or knit or draw or watch tv. Fill your life with your own stuff. I am talking this is how I started.
Make our life so hers is not a part of it except in our heart we love them. Takes time but we can do it.
I have to remind myself all the time. Mine lost everything including his toothbrush. He is now safe in prison with a new free one!
NOTHING I could have done would have changed his path. And believe me, under nuturer in the dictionery is my picture! If I did not have Al Anon I would of kept him here and died myself.
Day at a time. Each one day, do your best to put those thoughts of her back in the corner of your head and maybe think,"what can I do for me today?"
love and thank you for sharing, debilyn who also needed this reminder
Thank you all...you are truly wonderful here at this site. Something I've needed for a long time...the alanon program. I've had a long day of reflection and journaling because I don't want my life to continue how it is...so I will do anything it takes and all the suggestions I can get. I hope someday I can have what you have now and for the ones starting out like me..we can do this together.
I am dealing with my son. He got out of the military and he has problems - financial, relationships, jobs. When he is conscious of what's wrong he is all over the map. Other times he seems oblivious of everything. No car, no license, no money. He doesn't respond to help or no help. I guess they have to find their own bottom.
((((Katiecat)))), it is hard....but it can get better FOR YOU....
Ive spent years rescuing and enabling my Ason (32) and one of the first things I learned when I found this board was about loving detachment...dont do for them what they can do for himself...let them own their disease and face the consequences of it. I also learned about the three Cs.... I didnt Cause it, I cant Control it and I cant Cure it...
Through this board, my Al-anon f2f group, reading the literature etc I am finding the strength to apply loving detachment...this has not been easy...Im working it a day at a time, but Im working it.
Its given me the strength to apply the consequences of a boundary Id set.... that he had to leave our home if he chose to drink... so he has spent the last month wandering here there and everywhere finding other people to rescue and enable him, but he has just about used up all the doors he can knock on. He has no money, he got backdated benefit money of £500 three weeks ago and thats all gone (he had lots of 'friends' till that was spent)...I could go on and on..this is the life of the A.
I believe he has now been to his doctor (yesterday) to get started on another recovery programme... first stop will be the psych ward and if he then chooses...another stint at rehab....
If I was still in the way applying all my old behaviour's would he have done this?? Probably not. I am minding my own business...before I would have been sorting, fixing, jumping through hoops to make the path easier for him.
He has done this himself. He is maybe, just maybe stepping onto the recovery path, (I always have Hope) and I will work at staying on mine.
Hope you make your meeting...you will get great support and understanding there.... I was offered phone numbers and at first didnt use them but now I do...Im not alone.
Thank you Ness....I like what you said...that's just what A's do...make a total mess out of their lives. That's what I'm trying to do also....to step out of the way and mind my own business....a step at a time for me but at least moving forward. Thank you all for your wonderful replies...you are all such life savers
