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OK - we are starting Day 5 of my AH's recovery. I recognize that it's really really early in the process and I'm trying REALLY hard to stay out of his business - however (yes, I know, that sounds an awful lot like "but") my boundary was that he reach out to a trusted AA friend to get started. So far, I have no idea if this has occurred (I suspect not) - I have not asked as part of my attempt to stay out of his business. All he has done so far is stop drinking and start reading the Big Book. Progress, not perfection. These are good things.
I was also VERY clear that I could NOT be his recovery sponsor. At least I thought I was clear, yet something occurred yesterday that makes me think that either I wasn't clear enough or he simply didn't accept what I was saying to him.
Yesterday, my son and I went to meet some friends at a local water park. This was a bit of a drive and I had promised to call when we arrived to let him know we had gotten there in one piece. I usually try to do this anyway out of simple courtesy, but sometimes I get distracted and simply forget to do so immediately.
Well, we got there and in the flurry of locating our friends, getting to a bathroom, etc... I totally forgot to call him. And didn't realize it until several hours later. So I called him as we were leaving the waterpark, apologized for forgetting to call and promised to let him know when we reached the house. An hour later, I fulfilled that promise. He thanked me, but also reminded me that he worries incessantly whenever any of us are on the road and really needs the confirmation that we safely reached our destination. Little warning bells went off for me, but I was too exhausted to examine them last night, so I set them aside for later contemplation.
So this morning, I checked the voicemail on my cell phone. There's a message from him yesterday saying that it's been a while since we were supposed to arrive, I had promised to call and that he really needs for me to call him like I promised as this will help him with his recovery.
This is a red flag to me saying that he is not as willing as he thinks or says he is to reach out to AA and dive into a program. He's placing the state and progress of his recovery on what I say or do.
Something else that bugs me is that he seems to be equally concerned with losing the privileges associated with having his right to carry (concealed handgun license) as he is with losing his family. He doesn't want his recovery process to jeopardize this. I hesitate to point out the ludicrousness of this priority - it puts me back in the "sponsor" position as well as has me potentially setting ultimatums.
So now I'm thinking I probably need to restate my boundary and reiterate that while I will support and encourage him as best I can, I am not responsible for his recovery. At the same time, I need to be sure of my motives and that I truly accept the situation as it is now. I also need to keep my expectations in check.
Thanks for listening - I truly appreciate any insight and wisdom any of you can share.
Sometimes I want to tell my wife that she has to be actively in recovery and not just struggling to stay dry but then when she doesnt live up to my requirements Im supposed to leave but I wont so whats the point. Its just me trying to control her with threats that I wont back up. Usually when she has just 5 days I dont really even try and figure anything out. I dont know what you should do but I would be going to alanon meetings and talking about it and hopefully realizing how to take care of me through a very tough time. Drunks getting sober is tough times. I guess something I heard later in alanon was not only should I give her the dignity to make her own mistakes (which was its own revelation) but that I should also allow her the dignity of having her own successes too. If I convince her to go to x number of meetings and get a sponsor then she doesnt really own it herself.
Oh and I certainly wouldnt let her use me as a recovery tool. Very counter productive in my opinion.
-- Edited by BatonRougian on Monday 10th of August 2009 11:09:33 AM
hmmm remember the red flag of truth? (o: I was so glad it was not my recovery. It was totally his. I only knew his years becuz of the meetings we went to and he got chips.
It is so hard to realize that what they do is none of our business. Especially as far as his recovery program.
I put me in his place. I would not like someone hovering over me about my recovery.
Do you have a sponsor, are you going to a meeting, did youi read todays Odat?
On and on. After awhile your recovery becomes his business too.
When something is your own, you are he one who makes it strong, healthy, in good shape.
YOUR car. You wash it, check the oil, etc. How woud you feel if he started second guessing you? It is totally your responsibility.
this is teaching me too. If my AH did this to me, I would become lax and allow him to take part of my stuff.
So the a if we get into their business it takes the total power away from them. why should they think about it, we will enable by getting into it in any way.
They may even feel we don't believe in them.
This is my take. Didn't even know it was! see ya helped me too. love,debilyn
early sobriety , ewwww I remember it well . awsome but scarry I had to remember that husb didn't know what to do with his time as before it was work , drink , pass out and get up and do it again , I always wanted husb to shop with me etc , well after a month of sobriety it was like * go away already * hehe poor guy didn't know what to do with him self . so make up my mind already do i want him with me or not ??? I too was warned to not let my husb make me his sponsor tricky little devils that they are I got sucked in several times til i understood what was happening . Staying out of thier recovery is tough , Did your husb promise u he would go to AA ?? mine did but after 5 weeks sober he still hadnt gone to a meeting and he had tried this sober thing no support for him before. he knew it was all or nothin , so I reminded him that he had promised to go to meetings and asked if he had lied to me . -- and then let it go . once is definetly enough . He thought about it for a few days and started to attend meetings - yesssssss. I doubled up on my f2f meetings cause this sober stuff is not easy for either one of us , I stayed out of his way he had to do it his way or I knew it wouldnt work . Luckily I was involved in service work and meetings so I was kept busy looking at my self . that was 20 yrs ago and so far so good . Keep your expectations low , keep the focus on yourself , his insecurities will pass eventually - I learned when he struggled and sought me out to talk I could respectfully say why don't u ask one of the guys about that I cannot relate to your struggle and walk away . I was told early on that an alcoholic hasn't got a hope of staying sober going home to an old idea = I was the old idea = go figure . we all have to change not just the alcoholic . Enjoy sobreity stay close to sponsor and find lots of meetings for yourself , by example he just may follow you. Louise
"I had promised to call and that he really needs for me to call him like I promised as this will help him with his recovery." -blender girl
Wow, if I heard this comment I would immeidately - say "No - your recovery is ON YOU" that is it, no question, not associated or tied to anything or anyone else. No, no, no! It is emotional manipulation & black mail - wont fly.
Take care of you & (I would personally be sure to) keep your programs seperate.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Early recovery can last up to 2 years. It takes a very long time for an A's brain chemestry to regulate and then for the A to adjust to their new way of thinking, feeling and behaving.
How come you get to put bullet points on his recovery? Like " my boundary was that he reach out to a trusted AA friend to get started." How do you know if a trusted AA friend is the one who is going to help him get sober? What if his path to sobriety is found thru a guru sitting on the side of a hill? Or a newcomer in AA, or a church member? I don't know if we can control WHO helps get our A's sober. "But" or "however" that sounds like control to me. After all, why do you care who helps him with his sobriety?
Motivation for me was keeping my family intact. Idid some seriously wacko things in my quest to have that family. Today, I can see it was all about control and making myself feel safe. Not a whole lot about unconditional love. I suppose that means I have amends to make.
Good luck BG, early sobriety is harder than the drinking days. Keep working YOUR program!!!
How come you get to put bullet points on his recovery? Like " my boundary was that he reach out to a trusted AA friend to get started." How do you know if a trusted AA friend is the one who is going to help him get sober? What if his path to sobriety is found thru a guru sitting on the side of a hill? Or a newcomer in AA, or a church member? I don't know if we can control WHO helps get our A's sober. "But" or "however" that sounds like control to me. After all, why do you care who helps him with his sobriety?
Seren, I DON'T know that a trusted AA friend will be the one who will get him sober and working a program. I think he stands a chance at it if he does reach out to someone he knows, trusts and respects for the help that he needs and let the power of the program and his HP take it from there. He said he was willing to try this (he has not been willing before), so I am willing to hold off on filing the divorce petition.
Honestly, I don't care what path he takes to recovery or who helps him with it. I do know that it can't be me.
What it boils down to is that for the sake my family, which includes ME and HIM, I am not willing to accept him being sober without also seeking recovery. Nor am I willing to continue living with him or subject our son to living with him while he's drinking. The consequences being we go our separate ways - this is something that is in the best interests of our family. I have communicated this to him very clearly. I can't be the only one to change here. Is this really me dictating how he goes about his recovery?
This is uncharted territory for me, so to borrow a term from one of our other members, I'm a bit wobbly today. I'm questioning a choice I made a few days ago that I was at peace with at the time. I did my best to NOT dictate specifics, but come up with options.
I think my post today had more to do with me discovering that I subconsciously expected him to really "get it" and to dive into a program rather than worry about whether doing so would jeapordize his CHL status. And I was stunned (ok, and a little resentful) that he would place responsibility for his recovery on what actions I do or do not take. I'm dismayed that I was surprised by this. It could be that he's not really ready for recovery, no matter how willing he says he is. Time will tell.
I'm going to go call my sponsor now....
Thanks for your feedback - it really is appreciated.
I think one of my greatest disappointments was thinking that sobriety meant the A would act in a "normal" way. Not!
My exAH ultimately ended up getting sober and entering true recovery because his professional license would have been on the line had he not. November will mark two years and now it appears he is doing it for him. Whatever the motivation, however they get there, I don't know that it matters. Being the selfish beings they usually are, the reason will ultimately be for "them".
When he first got out of rehab he put me in policeman mode and I willingly took the position. I had no idea what I was getting into or how fruitless it was. The whole situation just set me up for resentment (from both of us), lies and frustration. The best thing for his sobriety was when he moved out. I was no longer a part and had no idea what was going on. He did not actually stop drinking/using and start using a program until about 9 months after he left rehab, and 6 months after he left our house.
The professionals at the rehab facility where my exA went warned families that the A should not go home, but that a sober living facility should be highly considered. At the time I viewed it as an impossibility. Now I see it in a totally different light.
Most likely, his comment about you helping with his recovery, will just be the first of many that will tweak you. Remember, sobriety doesn't mean sanity, at least not at first. Do what you can to not take it on. Ignore it, respond with a simple canned comment, call a friend, get on this board, go to a meeting, and just vent away your frustrations, but don't engage. I know that is much easier said than done, but truly all other efforts will not benefit the serenity and sanity you so deserve.
Blessings, Lou
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Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
