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I am not sure where to put this..... will keep looking
New here and I guess I should have acted long ago. My 24 year old daughter has a drinking problem. Has had a drinking problem for some time now....... I would say that she is a professional now. She is heading to her death fast.
I have told her that she has to move out if she can not live by my rules. I do not know how/what to do. I am the only one that lives here and although I gave her an ultimatum Thursday night.... I have only talked to her by text three times since then.
Today is ( Move out Day ).... I do not know what to do.. do I pack some of her things in a box and put out in the garage?
I have spoken with some folks with my church. I have spoken with friends of friends..... How do I start the >>> NO MORE ENABLING day. Today!
I know that this is old stuff to most here..... I thank you for being here
And Welcome! Everyone will tell you that you have come to the right place.
Everybody must be at church or something. Somebody with experience in the same sort of situation will be along shortly and tell you how it was for them.
I am pretty new here and have no experience with a drinking child. My heart goes out to you.
I can give you a couple of things to hold onto: "You didn't cause it, and you can' t cure it." And there is a third part of that that I obviously haven't memorized. When my dry drunk husband drank one beer and hid the rest in the shed and I found them, I just panicked. And I called Alanon and a nice woman there told me, "It's not your fault and things will get better." And I said that over and over to myself until the next meeting came around.
The other quote and I don't know it exactly, either, and it isn't official Alanon, but an anecdote that people share is, "No one ever got sober because of what his Mama did." You will get the real version of that, but what it means is you can't save her--she has to do it herself. And enabling, as you know, just makes her sicker.
I am so sorry. Your heart must be breaking. Read other posts and hang on. I think, just my opinion, that you are doing the best, kindest in the long run thing.
Blessings, Temple
-- Edited by Temple on Sunday 9th of August 2009 10:39:13 AM
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thank you for the response. I should have been at church but instead I'm trying to find out how/what to do next...... I have given her a deadline of today and am not sure about anything.
Hi Carlasdad and welcome ......Your post brought tears to my eyes as I am living through the same scenario with my Ason (32). I hate hate hate this disease. I am fairly new to Al-anon...but soooooooo glad to have the ES&H (experience, strength and hope) found at face to face meetings and here at MIP.....to guide me.....my lifesavers!!
After living with the insanity of this disease for 5+ years...I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and although my son wasnt ready to seek recovery....I was....I was sick sick sick. I was doing what parents do.... trying to fix him...doing for him what he should have been doing for himself...I didnt know the terms rescuing and enabling...but I was certainly applying them...and this was stopping him addressing the consequences of his addiction.
One of Al-anons sayings is you did the best you could with what you knew at the time and I was doing the best I could.....as we all do.
Ive been practicing loving detachment...I no longer jump on the merry-go-round...I have handed his disease back to him.....this has taken practice and study and the support of my f2f group....but I am in a more serene place than I was 6 months ago.
He has had one failed rehab, been living in assisted housing etc etc etc......its a long story. To cut it short we recently (March) brought him home as he was at deaths door.....he had nearly 4 months dry and then started drinking again about a month ago. We had boundaries in place.....the main one being if he chose to drink he had to leave our home....he continued to push this boundary ...he would have a couple of dry days and then the drinking would be worse than ever.
One evening I packed a rucksack for him (he was too drunk to do it himself) and the next morning, when he had sobered up, spoke quietly and lovingly with him....I explained why the boundary was being enforced, he explained that he wanted to continue drinking,so I hugged him and said cheerio. He took himself off to the housing office where they gave him a bus ticket and an address for bed and breakfast accommodation 100 miles away.....he didnt get on the bus.....he found a rescuer and enabler and stayed with them till they put him out...when he promptly found someone else to take over and that is what is currently happening.
I have just had a phone call from him today to say he wants to quit drinking. He's seeing his doctor tomorrow as he wants to be admitted to a psychiatric unit.....(both his mental and physical health are poor). I told him I thought that was his best option. Reminded him he was a good person with a bad disease and could have a good life in recovery.
Is he running out of options?.....no more doors to knock on?....I dont know. Well see what tomorrow brings. Taking it one day at a time.
Sorry, this turned out a bit longer than anticipated! I dont know if its of any help to you...please take what you like and leave the rest.Remember we didnt cause it, we cant control it and we cant cure it
Please keep coming back and sharing. If you have a f2f close to you, you will find great comfort and support there....I know I do.
Carlasdad, Welcome to the MIP board. You are in the right place.
I just want to let you know that in Al-Anon we do not give you direct advice other than to work your own program of recovery. You have been affected by a horrible disease and you will find unending support here and in f2f meetings. The reason we do not give advice is that everybody is different and my solutions will not work for you. What we do is to give you our ESH(experience, strength, and hope) so that you can learn ways to solve your problems that will work for you. We always say take what you like and leave the rest.
I can tell you that as I have attended meetings, participated here, and worked the steps, many things in my life have become clearer and my life has much improved. My AH has found sobriety, thanks to his own program, and our family is the healthiest it has ever been. But it has been a lot of work over 3 years in the program.
Just keep coming back.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Are you sure that if u kick your daughter out, you will be able to resist helping (enabling) her when she leaves? What are you prepared to do and not do.
Find face to face al-anon meetings in your local area and start going. Pick up pamphlets, listen, learn, shar your number on the sign in sheet and be sure to get the numbers as well. We also have online meetings in the chat room and 24/7 chat, which really helps to talk live to someone that can understand the pain that your going through.
We cannot give A's ultimatums we arent willing to follow through on. You need to detach with love from ur daughter's disease and focus on yourself. When we focus on our A's we are enabling them & not living our onw lives to the best of our ability. You will have to learn some new way of coping and possibly interacting with her. Tough love and learning to stop enabling is tricky for us. With willingness and brutal honesty you can change, stop enabling, learn to detach with love and find peace in your life, whether she is drinking or not.
Welcome to MIP and al-anon.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Odd stuff ?? I don't think so , we have all been where your at and if your not prepared to carry out the ultimate , don't give one . Let her know your serious and want her to move out of your home or let her stay and set boundaries and keep to them otherwise they just become an idle threat and this diesease wins again . We are enablers , we believe the lies , we bail them out of trouble , we cover up thier mistakes , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior and the list goes on and on . Until we stop doing those things nothing is going to change , nothing changes til SOMEONE changes . It is possible to live with someone drinking too much and not go down the drain with her - I believe it is much harder to detach from a child than it is a spouse but until we learn to detach with love , accept who they are , and allow them to be who they need to be you will never find any peace .
We have a detachemnt pamphlet and this is what it suggests that we do .
NOT TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF ANOTHERS ACTIONS OR REACTIONS NOT TO ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE USED OR ABUSED IN THE NAME OF ANYONES RECOVERY NOT TO DO FOR OTHERS WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING FOR THEMSELVES . NOT TO MANIPULATE SITUATIONS SO OTHERS WILL EAT,GO TO BED,GET UP , PAY BILLS, NOT DRINK. NOT TO COVER UP ANYONES MISTAKES OR MISDEEDS NOT TO CREATE A CRISIS NOT TO STOP A CRISIS IF IT IS IN THE NATURAL COURSE OF EVENTS .
-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 9th of August 2009 03:43:30 PM
I wouldn't pack her things personally. I'd make sure she knows she is out by leaving a note on the door.
If you aren't sure about it I believe it is pretty hard to hold onto the boundary. Get real clear and then do it. In al anon we try to do the things we mean rather than just say it. Of course that is easier said than done.
Welcome to MIP, you are not alone. You can relax for the moment. It might have been devine intervention that kept you home instead of in the pew. You have arrived at a place of much help and support for "the" problem.
I am grateful that I had several years of Al-Anon under my belt when it came time to "release" my alcoholic/addict son from our relationship. I understood alot by the time that came about and I believe that also was devine intervention because there was nothing I looked forward to more than a relationship with a son I lost to an addict wife. He came with the addiction himself and as it is usual that addiction soon took over our relationship and was threatening my own recovery in this program. I was a hairs breath away from relapsing and already caught myself doing and thinking and feeling the same way I use to before finding the door to the Al-Anon Family Groups. I am grateful for everything I learned before the "showdown."
The showdown included the pre-alert you had with your daughter. It included repeating the conditions of "our" living together besides co-responsibility for expenses and upkeep. It included talking about the drinking and using inspite of the agreement. It included how my old feelings of anger and anxiety were returning and how we both agreed that my behavior was becomeing unacceptable to me and to him at times. It included that we both understood the truth about our situation and the chances that it wouldn't change. I didn't use the term "my conditions" I used the term "the" conditions of our relationship. I also took full responsibility for what "I" was about to do and didn't discuss what "he" would, should or could do however he had options. He could alone or with someone else take over rent of the appartment we shared. He could also move out into some where else of his own choice...he could do anything else including drink and use "but I was leaving, moving to a more spiritually peaceful and healing place and that I loved him and didn't want to live with him. He understood and I did what I needed to do (I wouldn't receive an oscar for that but God would) for myself. We kept contact and his problems with drugs and alcohol got much worse and in order to get me involved with all the trouble he had to call me and give me the choice of saying yes, no or how much I wanted to be involved.
You are in the right place at the right time and I can only tell you how it started for me...contact Al-Anon the number should be in the white pages of your telephone book. The program is in most countries on this planet because alcoholism and drug addiction are not small isolated diseases. Call that number and find the meeting times and places they get together at and commit to making the first one you can. While you are there find a seat...there will be one waiting for you. Sit down listen and learn and if they invite you to tell them why and how you got there do so at your own option. You don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. There will be a table load of literature and some of it is free, some like our daily readers will cost (at cost). There will be telephone numbers offered to you by others who will offer to be there for you (like MIP) should you need to talk. Make a committment to the meetings for 90 days. Go loyally and after 90 days if you feel that the program isn't for you and you're not doing any better there are other places to go find help.
In the mean time stay with your wants, wishes and agreements and love your daughter anyway. The summary or short version of the twelve steps for me is (steps 1 -3) Trust God. Look up the twelve steps on the face page of this MIP forum and memorize those first three steps for now and then keep coming back.
