The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Boy am I glad I found this board! The last 17 months have been pure insanity. My H is a dry drunk who attends meetings, but has chosen to not practice the steps or way of life. It has come to the point that he is making a case to validate drinking again. (his words) I have been to f2f meetings, but due to work schedule, I can not attend at this time. I was attending open AA meetings too at least hear, learn, understand my A and the disease. I do read the ODAT and have my step book, and have have been working the steps by myself. But that can be not the best at times, because I have no one to share that with and I can validate my own bad behaviors.
I am the product of a family of addicts/active alcohlics, so imagine my shock last summer when I reliezed I have been married to one for 14 years. Talk about blinders!
Through all this insanity I have grown and changed. But I have struggled with setting the right boundries if any. It has been very difficult, I allowed him to minpulate and lie to me so much that I still feel to blame for things that have happened. He lies so smoothly and so well. I end up agreeing with him or believeing him. I walk away not evening believeing my own eyes or myself. I feel like a wreck.
I can't live this way, my girls can't have me this way. What am I teaching them? That is ok to let your spouse cheat on you and it's ok because feelings change and he is sick. I have asked him to leave 3times. He is still on the couch. (has been since march) He was talking to the young women cheated with last summer again. But he could not put anytime or invest that much in our family, in our relationship. WOW the shame takes your breath away. I have been seriously thinking of putting my plan B in action...filing for legally seperation/divorce. This choice seems to be extrem and so very painful, but he is not ready to be truthful to himself, how can he be or try to be truthful to anyone else? I just don't have much left of me, I have totally allowed him to shred me. The heart breaking word being ALLOWED.
I am so very glad for my HP and you all. I am trying everyday to let go and let my HP. I wish you all a wonderful Sunday!
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Just because your in the drivers seat, doesn't mean you have to run people over.
Welcome to MIP. I know how it is to not be able to get to meetings. This board and the people here have saved my sanity on many occassions. In my very small town there is only one active meeting a week that I can get to. Obviously that isnot enough, esp when your life is in crisis.
Did you get a contact list from the meeting you went to? Maybe you can use it to find a sponsor. You really need to work the steps with someone else who has done it. Even an oline sponsor would be better than none.
Wishing you find some peace today.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
As an acoa myself I have to say that my al-anon program suddenly made sense to me after I got the book, 12 steps for adult children - you can get it at any bookstore $11 brand new.
We say give al-anon a try for six months or a year b4 making life altering decisions like divorce or moving. You can always fall back on plan B, C's & so on. If you work on yourself and work your program, you will become healthier and that will be the best thing for you kids.
Focus on you and what can you do to improve your life today. Love yourself and take care of you, whatever that looks like.
You will learn about boundaries over time. They are designed to protect us. Focus on you and what you need.
Get to meetings, share, listen, learn... we have them online in chat room too.
Welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know when I executed the plan be I did not have every inch of it covered. Do you have a sponsor to run it by. I did not and I really did not cover it all.
I know one huge thing for me too was to detach from the A. I let him totally crash without stepping in as I had always done. I let him run the bills to the ground rather than step in. I stepped aside. I know that sounds absolutely crazy and I also know there is a time and a place to do it. I know I worried myself to a point of sickness about what he would do. I forgot myself in the process. Getting myself back wasn't all the issue of leaving him, it was detaching first and foremost.
. I have been seriously thinking of putting my plan B in action...filing for legally seperation/divorce. This choice seems to be extrem and so very painful, but he is not ready to be truthful to himself, how can he be or try to be truthful to anyone else? I just don't have much left of me, I have totally allowed him to shred me. The heart breaking word being ALLOWED.