The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi -- I'm a longtime lurker, and I'd appreciate some ES&H on my situation if you have any!
My A is my ex-husband -- he's a very secretive drinker, so that it took me a long time to figure out what was really going on. For instance, I've never seen him drink, not once in more than 15 years. But some really erratic behavior, alcohol on his breath, DUIs, etc. finally gave the game away. He's also a periodic drinker -- he'll be sober for six months or a year, then fall off the wagon and drink heavily for a week or a year -- it's unpredictable. He's been in AA a few times, and through court-ordered rehab once, but never stuck with any of it.
When I found Al-Anon and figured out that odds were he was not going to get sober, we split up, and we've stayed fairly amicable. We have a son who was two when we split up, and who's seven now. My ex is a pretty good dad and our son adores him.
My ex's parents are the only grandparents in the picture -- my own parents are dead. They're also close to my son, though they live on the opposite coast, 3000 miles away. My ex is scheduled to take our son to see the grandparents in a few weeks. But it's clear to me that he's started drinking again. (He was in one of his sober periods for a while.) The grandparents don't know about his alcoholism and are not very aware people -- pretty reactive, and ultra-religious. They'd be the kind of people who would say, "Well, just stop drinking then!"
While my son is there, I think they'll take good care of him, but I'm worried that my ex might drive drunk with our son in the car. He has a history of deciding to drive drunk, and I've been very careful not to let our son go in the car with him. But they'll be out of my supervision on this trip. I am away from my home town this summer, in a situation where I can't get to a f2f Al-Anon meeting. But I talked to my counselor about this, and she advised me to say to the parents, "I'm worried that [Ex] will drive our son when he's had a bit to drink, which might happen even if he doesn't seem as if he's been drinking. So I'd like us all to agree that he won't drive our son anywhere." She said not to go into the alcoholism, it's too big a topic and they won't understand, and I just need this one agreement. And then -- ack! -- she said I should tell him that I'm telling them this.
I suspect they will be baffled, and if I tell him what I'm telling them, he'll be furious. He is very secretive around them about everything, and he's justifiably afraid that they'll be judgmental. My pretty sure prediction is that he'll respond by going on an all-out drunken binge. I know I can't stop this, but I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing before I trigger that.
I'm afraid I can't go to the grandparents' -- apart from my desire not to spend a week with my Ex, I need to work.
Does telling the grandparents this, and telling the Ex that I told them, sound like a good choice? Is there a better choice? I'm at sea about all this, and I'd appreciate any ES&H you can give.
Just to clarify, he wouldn't be in charge, the grandparents will be in charge -- I just want to make sure they don't let him, say, drive to the supermarket with our son one afternoon, or something like that. But both my ex and our son will be staying with the grandparents the whole time, and my ex won't have a car of his own.
That is good then, if u can trust the grandparents. Boundaries are nonexistent in dysfunctional homes. Do what u have to do to protect you and your son. Take care of you whatever that looks like. If u create boundaries and AH gets mad, so be it. You cant live worrying that it will "trigger" him, for one ting, it is on him u wont trigger him. He will have to deal with his own triggers. Sure they try to blame us b/c they arent willing to take responsibility for themselves. But your good behavior wont influence him positivily or negatively, those are excuses. In fact, they often get mad at us for quitting drinking so easily.
Focus on you and take care of you and detach with love from ur AH. If he gets mad, he will have to deal with his own emotions.
I however, would not expect other people to control ur AH.
Take what u like & leave the rest. Gld u found our site, welcome to al-anon.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you, I hadn't thought of it that way -- expecting other people to control the A. I'm wondering if there's a "safe" way for our son to visit the grandparents. At seven, he's too little to go by himself (especially since it involves several changes of planes), and it would be prohibitively expensive for me to fly there and back to take him and get him. I'll have to think about this further. Thank you again, and any additional thoughts are very welcome.
Air lines take very good care of children traveling alone there is always a stu with them , from one plane to another he won't be alone . I don' t know if there is an age limit that they will do this . Is your son aware enough to know when dad is drinking and have u told him its ok to NOT get in the car with him ?? My first thought would be as long as he is still drinking he cannot take son anywhere . Drunks do what drunks do -- drink . Your son will be dissapointed I am sure but he will get over that eventually , there is always another time . Good luck Louise
Aloha Mattie...This the "Courage to Change the things that I can" time. There is a small part of one of our daily readers, the One Day at a Time in Al-Anon reader that I believe is either under the subject of "fear" or "courage" that says, "Courage is Fear that has said it's prayers." For me that mean't when I was doing some- thing in recovery that was new for me and that I had "fear" it would call this or that in other people, places and things; what I was to do was pray first that the outcome would be okay for my HP and then "Do it anyway". Allowing others to have their own feelings about something is a display of respect regardless of whether they like it or not. If what I do is about the truth...liking it or not is not an option.
Of course there are other ways to do it and using he suggestion about putting your Son on an airplane and trust those people rather than your drinking (ex)spouse is a sound alternative and you may not even have to bring up the subject of the drinking or the "A"lcoholic/ism subject. Then too alcoholism is a well known subject today...out in the open. The only protection we provide for the member of AA is their anonymity as we do the other members of the program. If they are not in program I don't call another person an alcoholic even when their behavior seems to fit the definition because, of course I could be wrong and have been in the past. Using the thought and the idea and language, "For me, I believe that he has a drinking problem" is valid and states your concern well.
Also you might want to ask yourself "How do I want this to come out for me?" first and then making the best choice you will to have that consequence is good planning.
