The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alot of ways it has held me down or pulled me back. But many things about my active AH made me say ENOUGH! and change things about myself. For instance, when he let his job go, I found work. Best thing I could have done. Because he consistantly drove drunk, I got my liscence and took over the car. I never thought that would happen. Now I have a chance to move on, earn more money, live a different life. He has changed, he used to be rowdy and verbally abusive. Now he is depressed and compliant, he knows he doesn't control me, I'm not afraid of him. I would not be the same person if I wasn't rocket-propelled to change. I remember stomping off to the DMV to apply for a liscence after one of his misadventures. I feel guilty about wanting to leave, but I just don't think I can forgive. ANd I can't sit by and watch him self-destruct.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Great growth RJ!! Keep on keeping on! One of the finest lessons I ever got from an early sponsor was the lesson of perceptions. I use to look at things and then just jump out and say this is what it is and this patient sponsor use to tweak the perception just a little bit, right or left or up and down and then ask me, "How do you see it now JerryF?" With a little bit of tweaking...just a slightly different angle I saw things I didn't know where there.
You are leaving. You are out growing him. Growing away. It is not your choice to stay stuck but his. Its not that he cannot alter or that he needs special permission to change. You don't need to look over your should to see if he is watching nor do you feel the need to be his courage to grow away from himself either. You don't need his affirmation and he doesn't need your invitation.
On my good days, I certainly feel grateful for my AH.
Sounds ludicrous after a lot of the crap he's pulled... but when I'm in a good place, knowing that the only one responsible for answering for all his bad choices and mistakes is my AH and not me... knowing that I can be okay no matter what because I have a fantastic HP who loves and cares about me... I can actually be grateful for my AH, because he's taught me a lot of stuff... how to stand my ground with love, how to mind my own business, how to live and let live...
Been great, despite the alcoholic antics and insanity.
I have been thinking about this lately.When my sober AH said he wanted a divorce 3 years ago and was in love with the online gal,I was a total mess.MY life was a mess,even the parts that had nothing to do with him. The biggest thing at the time was my family ( A sisters and mom) I had gotten so involved with them and had convinced myself I HAD to put MY life on hold to take care of my mom.Of course that meant dealing with my 2 A sisters which was insanity.I even accepted a promotion at work to a very stressful position so I could be salaried.That way if I had to miss work to take mom to dr,shopping,etc,I wouldn't lose any pay. I also saved all my vacation time to help take care of her.Stressful job,crazy A sisters, flaming codependent mom (who never really liked me),together with AH being NO help at home,not cutting the grass,not cleaning,NOTHING but chasing the online gal,was a recipe for disaster.So when he told me he wanted the divorce I hit bottom.SOMETHING had to give.I was going to be left with just ME,and when I looked at ME there was no one there. I don't know if grateful is the right word,maybe it is.I do know that if he had not done what he did,I would have had a breakdown.What I DID was take 3 months off work.(cashed out and lived on my 401K.I am not recommending that but it was all I could do) Quit the stressful job.Started taking time for myself AWAY from my family,which caused complete and total chaos because now the A sisters had to DO more.EVentually that led to complete cutting of contact with family. I went after a job I knew I would like and I AM truly grateful to HP for the job I have now.I work with great people,have fun but work hard,love my hours.I have my own bank account,my own bills.I have a car in MY name for the first time.I make my own decisions about my money. So I have to think where would I be if he had not asked for the divorce and forced me to take action? I am much happier now,more at peace than ever.I still live with him,We get along,we share the household expenses.He cleans,shops,sometimes cooks.He's happier and I am happier.The only thing I am missing is a love life but I am learning to love myself,I do not think I am ready for a relationship right now anyway. It took alot to get me going in the right direction.I sank into depression,felt ugly,undesirable,unwanted,rejected.Cried all the time.I never would have believed I would be where I am today.I am definitely stronger. Good topic.
Dru
-- Edited by drucilla06 on Friday 7th of August 2009 03:11:49 PM
I don't know if grateful is the right word either. My AH used to laugh and clearly love us. There was a sparkle in his eyes. I would give anything to go back there. When did things change?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I can relate RJ. I too miss the man that my aH used to seem to be. I see many of the same things that you describe. Perhaps the throws of the disease can be blamed for taking over what they used to be.
