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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New here and looking for support and hope...
Post Info TOPIC: New here and looking for support and hope...
ljluvskc


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New here and looking for support and hope...
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Good evening everyone...
I have been a lurker here and read so many stories. You all inspire me to believe that there is a road to recovery out there, all we need to do to find it is put one foot on it, and give the rest to God.

My ABF is what I would call a 'functioning' alcoholic. He is financially responsible, goes to work every day, pays his bills, has no debt, and from all looking outside in, he is the 'perfect' guy.

Not so perfect. We met 5 yrs ago and I knew then he had a drinking problem. Before we started dating, we were friends. I had an inkling that he had some problems, but never really knew how much until we started dating.

In the beginning (about 2yrs ago), he drank daily. A 12 pack of beer every day. He gets home about 2p in the afternoon, and would drink til bedtime. Every night. Then get up at 6a and go to work. He drives for a living, and I still wonder, to this day, how he never got a DUI, or drove daily having had so much to drink.

There are times when he binges. He will stay up all night on Friday or Saturday, drinking, and watching rock concert DVD's.  When we first got together, this was EVERY weekend. It about drove me mad. BUT I stayed (co-dependent? Oh I think so, but that's another Jerry Springer show!).

Fast forward two years later. I moved in with him in Nov 2007, and since that time, things have improved, but he still drinks too much. I haven't ever had an alcohol problem but I quit drinking almost 2yrs ago. Lead by example, I thought that would help! He no longer drinks daily, but when he does drink, it's still too much. This week, he hadn't had a drink since last Friday. Tonight, he drank rum and an entire 12 pack of beer between 3p and 830p.

We started counseling for relationship issues, because he will always tell me that 'we' are different. I am negative, I pushed him into this relationship. He needs space, he resents me. After reading your stories, I do realize I do not need to participate in the arguments he invites me to. I do not need to tolerate his drinking or binging. It is NOT my fault. I didn't cause him to drink. HE did. HE made the choice.

Tonight I told him I didn't need him to validate me. I have become sober. I have sought out a good Christian Church and I am becoming an active member. I am taking classes and learning about my spirituality. I have become financially secure and a responsible woman with a true heart for forgiveness and hope and faith. I am NOT the girl he met and started dating 2 yrs ago. I am NOT a hot mess, and I have moved on and grown up.

His resentment towards me when he drinks is palpable, and the only time we argue is when he is drinking. He seems to blame me for his unhappiness. I realize it is not my responsibility! Today we argued over a mosquito in the house! In his drunk mind, I 'blamed' him for the mosqito biting me. Does anyone else have these absolutely MADDENING conversations, or is it just me?

So, boundaries and back up plans need to be drawn. I did tell him tonight that I was done with him, but I doubt he will remember that tomorrow. However, I remember it. And I am done with him, in the sense that I will no longer put myself in a place that makes me uncomfortable. Boundaries must be drawn, consequences for your actions must be set, and my health and welfare come before his. I am finished being his enabler!

There is a new day dawning! Tomorrow night, I will attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I will go with an open heart and mind, and realize that others have walked this road before me, and will show me the way to peace with an alcoholic.

I thank you all for your kind words and unconditional support through this forum. I know I will be leaning on you in the months to come as we sort out the issues in this relationship.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to share...
Linda



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debilyn


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Thank you for coming here linda. you are on your way to your own recovery.

Al Anon teaches us that addiction is a disease, not something one chooses, we learn to love the a even though they are sick. We do this by detaching.

Am hoping you will keep coming back. love, debilyn

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Jerry F


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Aloha Linda and welcome.  So you have been lurking.  "Lurk and learn" I've heard
it said or is that "live and learn".  LOL   Hopefully you will have done both as you
start this journey.  I see that you have learned the "open mind" attitude and
characteristic and that is great because you will hear and see things that will
increase your hope and awareness to no end.   Keep coming back...give this a
90 day trial before making up your mind about it.

(((((hugs))))) in support.  smile

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kitty


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Wow, welcome and good for you!  Sounds like u have learned quite a lot already and are detaching with love from ur A, kudos.  Detaching with love is a learned skill and I didnt experience it one bit until I did set and follow through on boundaries.  Boundaries are to protect you and give u a plan of action.  My first boundary was to not go see my mom if her AH was there, since he openly resented me, I quit being available as his 'punching bag' for pot shots. 

I want to share the six guidelines for setting boundaries with you.  A member shared them with me in the hat room years ago and I've used them to set boundaries in all aspects of my life. 

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

  1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
  2. CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
  3. SET THEM CLEARLY.
  4. COMMUNICATE THEM THEM  CLEARLY.
  5. ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
  6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
    As far as the inane and insane arguemnts go, well yes I'm sure we all have them.  I had ridiculous fights with my exAH and over absurd things but this is b/c they get off on us losing calm and fighting/engaging with them.  Then they can justify their behavior b/c we are upset and arguing with them even though they started it.  They arent logical, they are doing anything they can to feed & justify their disease, that way they can stay in denial over it.  I got blamed for everything in my exAH's life, I got blamed for things that happened to him in childhood, I got blamed for the weather, when TX killed a crimminal on death row ("there goes your state again, lighting someone up") - I got blamed.  Welcome to MIP & al-anon, glad ur here, YANA you are not alone.


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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Glad you are here. I well remember arguing with an alcoholic.  You might remember Overcome's posting yesterday where she mentions you don't have to show up for every argument. One Al anon suggestion and it is a suggestion not a mandate is not to argue with an alcoholic when they are drunk.  Pretty tough stuff to do. Detaching helps tremendously.  You can get a primer at www.coping.org.

Maresie.

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maresie
ljluvskc


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We have good days, we have bad days. One day at a time. I'm learning. Why am I the one that feels bad after my A throws one of his tantrums?

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