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Well, I got the draft of the divorce petition this week. HP intervened yesterday by not providing me with the opportunity or the privacy to discuss my questions about it with my lawyer. As a result, the opportunity to discuss my intent with my AH presented itself last night.
He was (as usual) under the influence and running his mouth about what his lawyer says (come to find out, he doesn't have one) and then he asks me what MY lawyer had to say on the topic of marriage. After some convoluted question and answers and beating around the bush, I finally said "I'm going to file the petition, when and how would you like to be served?".
That got his attention. Understandably, his reactions ran the spectrum of disbelief, anger and utter dejectedness - begging, pleading, crying. "please don't leave me, I need you, etc.."
Totally gut wrenching.
He admitted he is an alcoholic and acknowledged that he needs help. After a couple of hours of talking, I finally asked him if he was willing to get into recovery. He said he'd do whatever it takes. So then I asked him if he was willing to do it simply for the sake of our marriage or if he really wanted it. I also told him he didn't have to answer that right away - it's a tough question and I wanted him to really give it some thought. I also told him that we both had things to consider and figure out what we were willing to accept and asked that we table the discussion for the evening.
Amazingly enough, we were able to table the discussion and get some rest.
So this morning, his plan was to simply stop drinking and all he needed was for me to be his friend and encourage him. I gently told him that while I could most certainly be his friend, I did not have the capacity to sponsor him through his recovery. I also told him that while I was glad he decided to stop drinking, without getting some kind of spiritual and emotional recovery it was not going to be enough.
By the time our discussion was over this morning, he agreed to reach out to some friends of his who are working good AA programs and ask them for help in getting started with his own recovery. I also told him of the suggestion to go to 90 meetings within 90 days and that if he was really willing to dive into recovery, that I would be willing to hold off on filing the petition for divorce and we could see where we were at the end of that 90 days. I also gave him a copy of the AA Big Book that I had acquired a while back.
During this conversation, I tried to be crystal clear that the recovery had to be HIS choice - not mine and that I was making no guarantees for the status of our marriage at any time. I did my best to make it a boundary, instead of an ultimatum. I also told him that I would continue working my program, regardless of what he chose to do.
For today - I'm at peace with what has transpired so far and I communicated this to my AH. He thanked me for the opportunity to save himself and us.
I feel like I have behaved honorably and treated us both with dignity. I have no illusions that everything's going to be hearts and roses over the next 90 days or beyond, for that matter. We'll see how it goes - my attorney still has my retainer - I told her to keep it for the time being and I would stay in touch with her. I may or may not proceed with the divorce - I don't have to make that decision today, but I now know that I have the strength to do so if it comes down to it.
I'll be watching what he does going forward but will strive to mind my own business and keep my side of the street clean. That being said - I'm grateful that he became willing to give recovery a shot. By pushing through my fear and dread of having ths conversation and letting go of the outcome, the unexpected result of him being willing to seek recovery is a blessing - at the very least for his physical well being.
So there you have it - I had been dreading the confrontation. And yes, it was painful, but it was also productive. I have no crystal ball to predict what the future will hold, but whatever the outcome, I know in the long run it will be all right.
I'm holding off for the next 90 days. Filing the petition is a phone call away. I reserve the right to make that phone call if it becomes obvious that he's not serious about his recovery. I have told him I can't live like we have been any more. I'm changing thanks to my program, he hasn't been. He says his willing (which is new), so I'm willing to see what he does with this opportunity.
BG....there is great strength in your post...thank you for sharing.
As I was reading it, the slogan say what you mean, mean what you say and don'tsay itmean was running through my head. It's so true that when things are calmly discussed and boundaries put in place the balance shifts and change occurs...
Thanks for sharing this. I am in a somewhat similar situation and it was nice to hear your experience, especially regarding the differences between boundaries and ultimatums.
I can see that you are at peace with how this very important discussion with your AH. Lots of program, lots of serenity, lots of awareness. Most importantly, lots of your love and respect throughout.
An alanon friend once told me the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is that in a boundary you set forth consequences of what you will do if the boundary is crossed, whereas an ultimatum is where you set forth consequences of what the other person should do if your boundary is crossed. Since we're powerless over anothers actions, ultimatums cannot work.
Sending prayers of strength and wisdom to my HP for you.
