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Hello All, I am new here and not really sure where to even start...I am married to an A but I am sure I dont have to tell anyone here how our life together has went for the past 4 years because if there is an A in your life you know all about the lies, the stealing,the covering up, the disappointment, the trying to do everything you can for the A at the cost of yourself and it never being enough.....all the crap that goes with loving an A...for the past few months my A has not been the man he used to be...he quit his job..made a half ass attempt to find another one and the whole time complained because i work full time and still dont make enough to pay all the bills and pay for his beer and pot habit...so the poor baby was having to do without and "it wasnt fair"....last week it all came to a head....he has been in counseling and not drinking so much..I thought doing better...but his brother came to town and hes an A also, so my A picks a fight so he can leave to go drink with his bro, which has been the way it has gone for the past 2 years...then after hes had his fill of drinking he calls crying.... he cant live without me blah blah blah...and I let him come home...but something has changed this time and this is what I need help to figure out...I dont want him to come home this time...i love him with my whole heart...I want better for him, I am worried about him he has no home, no job, no money, hes alone in the world now..what will he do? I know I cant fix that and I pray for him everytime he crosses my mind but I just cant do it anymore and I dont understand my feelings....I have not cried at all this time.. I am not crazy trying to figure out where he is or what hes doing...wondering when he will show up...I had his cel ph shut off ..the only link I had to him and I dont care that I couldnt find him if I wanted to...Im lonely and scared at night..but those seem to be the only feelings I have left, I feel broken and dont understand it...where have my feelings gone? LOL Why am I not feelng like I have felt every other time hes gone missing? I told him a long time ago if he kept up the way he was one day I would just not have anything left inside to give him and Im worried I as right...I just dont know what to think right now. Sorry this is so long I guess I just needed somewhere to put my feelings and thoughts and this seemed like a good place to start. Thank you all for taking the time to listen to me ramble on, Im not even sure it will make sence to anybody else..but if there is anybody else that has went through this same thing what happened? Did you find your feelings agian? LOL
WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY.... You are in the Right Place FOR SURE :)
I can relate to alot of what you say, I have been thru the Numbness of just "Sick & Tired", and that is perfectly normal, I have been to the place were My Husband would play the "Well if I tick her off then I can go get drunk and it will be HER Fault"... That is all part of the menipulation... The last time my Husband did that was a little over a year ago, I left, and went and hung out with my Best Friend, took my son, and just left the house... He got a small dose of what it is like to sit home and WORRY Were "I" was... When I returned Home, it was ugly.. I left my Son at my Friends house, for I felt it was time to deside what I WOULD & WOULD NOT Settle for in my marriage... And that I WOULD NOT... I was done... See My Husband is what they call a Binge Drinker... He will go MONTHS with Nothing... Then out of the blue "Work will be slow, Customer Pisses him off, One of his kids Piss him off, the list goes on..". That is when he turns it around and makes it MY FAULT...
Since I started this Recovery Journey, I have learned that HE Too can have bad days and that OK... I just walk away, and don't leave him a target for his ignorance.. Let him have his mood and "I" Move on... It isn't always easy but is has worked for me...
As for what I would do if I was YOU... I would find me a GREAT Face to Face Meeting in My Area, I would do something for ME Instead of always for Him... I would hit the On Line Meetings on Here till I find one in my Area, I would post on these boards, Express myself like he doesn't allow me too, I would let it all out, and work on some HEALING FOR ME!!!!
We can NOT change them no matter how bad we want it for them. We can only change US... Ourselves... Only You know what you want or dont want in your life... I think you have deserved your own time to shine... So WELCOME to Our Little Family of Love, Sharing, Caring, and ESH... (Experience Strength & Hope)...
Hope to hear more from you... ;) Keep Coming back... And if you need something to help you get thru the days... Something that helped me was the Serenity Prayer
GOD Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I CAN NOT Change (HIM) The Courage to Change the things I can (ME) The Wisdom to Know the Differance...
I say it sometimes 30 times a day... Helps me... Hope it helps you as well...
Friends in Recovery :)
Love & Prayers Jozie
-- Edited by Jozie on Thursday 6th of August 2009 08:14:51 AM
It sounds to me like you may have hit your bottom, the same way a alcoholic does when they decide they need help. Step 1. of the program: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanagable. I assume by now you realize you have absolutely no control over what he does. When our lives seem out of control and unmanaganable, this is the place to be.
I'm sure many of us have become numb to what the alcoholic does and how they feel about them. We can only deal with so much before it becomes too much. After dealing with the antics time after time it is no surprise that you feel like you do.
We don't promote staying with the alcoholic, nor leaving. Our goal is to get ourselves healthy and happy. We can change nothing about them but we can surely make changes in ourselves. We learn that we have choices and we don't have to just adjust to what life seems to be throwing at us.
Alanon can help you process and deal with your feelings no matter what you decide to do. There is no quick fix. I wish there were. We share our E,S&H (experienc, strength and hope) to share what has worked for us and what has not.
Please seek a Al-anon meeting in your area. You will be met with care by people that have been where you are. You will be offered a "newcomers packet" with literature, helpful information and through other's experince, collect tools to cope with your thoughts and situation.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with Christy it sounds like you have maybe reached your bottom. I say this as someone who bottomed out with the same feelings you are going through now.... Im slowly clawing my way back to life one step at a time one day at a time.
That finished feeling was overwhelming, and I knew the only thing left was to let go and save myself. There was NOTHING I could do for the A and each time I tried to fix them, and FAIL, I became sicker..... I was truly powerless over alcohol.
I read here for a while and then shared as you have. I eventually went to a f2f which is the best thing I have ever done....I wish I hadnt left it so long....the people in that room understood my struggle, lived my struggle. They are the ones who offered me their phone numbers assuring me I need never be alone in this disease again....when I feel fearful or am struggling I use those numbers....I felt awkward doing this at first but they truly are a lifeline when the going is tough.
There is recovery for us whether the A is drinking or not....put the focus on you, because you are worth it.......
Welcome this group is a life savor. I can't recommend highly enough the book Getting them Sober. I think it is so directly compassionate about how to live around an A. Take care of yourself. We all know that is very very hard but there is no point two people being destroyed by this illness.
Yes, I found my feelings again, but it took time. It took me working on myself and learning to let go of my AH. I am still working on it One Day At A Time. The shocking part for me was realising how long it had been since I had been able to feel anything positive. I wasn't happy and hadn't even realised how not happy I was and had been for a long time. There was no joy in my life and hadn't been for at least a couple of years. I was drained and the only thing I could feel was a rage that had plagued me for years.
When I got to Alanon I went through periods of rage and profound sadness, and numbness. But then very slowly, the anger began to subside. I found the fear behind all that anger and learned to deal with it, and the sadness began to lift. Somehow I began to feel good again, a little at a time. At first it was just a few minutes at a time, then a few hours. When I finally learned to let go and have a whole nice day, it was exhausting emotionally, but it was progress.
That numbness that you feel is scary, but for me, I had just been through too much. My emotions shut down for good reason.
I hope you will look up a meeting in your area. The meetings and this board saved me.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
