"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ajay147 · Member

This is tearing me apart

DreamsOver · Senior Member

What a difficult place to be, first off I want you to know that I can't begin to know what you are going through because the A in my life is my son and I am a woman.

You are the responsible one here, your wife is not in control of herself and that means she is not able to care for herself let alone the children. I would put my children first in this case because they are the innocent ones here, their safety would be my top priority.

Your wife needs help that is a given, but your children needs a responsible parent.

If she wants to be the mother to these children she will make the decision to get help, if not their best interest needs to be with the responsible parent and that is you.

Good luck.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, very well said Dreamsover.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha AJ...That was a bad place for me also and times have changed alot. Back
when I went thru this with an addict wife yes the man was not considered the
nurturing parent and that is not the case today.   Family courts are not likely to
turn over custody of the children to a drinking parent and they will demand an
assessment when there is a question. If there is already evidence that one of
both of the parents has a problem with chemicals and are still using those
chemicals they will look for responsible adults within the family or outside of it
whatever is best for the children.

She had a resentment over you telling the truth. If you let her resentment have
power over you and generate fear that blocks you from "doing the next right
thing" your justifications for not doing those next right things are misplaced and
most likely it isn't love that you feel but maybe guilt and confusion. That was a
part of my learning to see clearly while also being married to the addict. Give an
addict or alcoholic love and it gets lost in a deep dark hole never coming back.
What is most important is keeping their pride and ego intact and from not being
bruised or hurt when the story gets out.   Denial is a true description because
everyone already knows about the condition and just isn't talking about it.

It seems that you are trying to predict outcomes or fortune tell the future about
consequences that you don't know you'll experience because you haven't done
the work yet. You can't see her sober so you don't see that as one of the many
things that could and would happen should you turn your power and control
over to a power greater than AJ and his wife.

Things have changed. The situation I went thru is not the situation a sponsee
has gone thru. He lost everything and gained the program; as he gained the
program he kept his family intact minus his alcoholic/addict. The courts put the
children in his custody and his wife in state custody for a long time.

FEAR is based upon (F)alse (E)vidence...(A)ppearing (R)eal. Predicting and
fortune telling is all guess work and false evidence.

Get in the face to face rooms and keep taking your seat there, one day at a time.
Listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. That is how life changes for the better
for me and for those around me and I have to do the work.   This spiritual program
works wonders when you work it.

Keep coming back. You can only be in the day; not in the past or the future.

(((((hugs))))) smile

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I went through the same thing.... please focus on what is best for the children right now, and it is NOT likely best for them to stay with an active, sick A.... You don't have to separate / take the kids away forever, but your wife needs to find recovery, or ultimately they will more than likely end up with you.

Jerry's right - try not to project too far into the future at this time... get through today, then tomorrow... one foot in front of the other, etc...

You're worth it.... so are your kids..... your wife may or may not choose recovery, but the hard truth for her is that she cannot be both an active A AND a mother, or at least not a good one...

Just my two cents....
Take care
Tom

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I'm a woman so I don't have the male perspective but I can say that the kids safety would be my top priority. What it does to her is a result of her actions and choices, not anything that you do. It's hard to stay in the day and not think about what may or may not happen tomorrow, I'm having problems with that myself today and maybe this was what I needed to hear.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"I know that i have a case for having custody of them. But that would mean destroying her."-Ajay

I personally would not see this congruently ~ in no way do these two sentences go together. She is destroying herself on her own and as an ACoA, she will be permanently affecting her kid's lives. Getting drunk around kids is abusive in my eyes, plain & simple. Right now she is literally destroying the child she is carrying.

What are you doing to do? As a parent you have every right to protect your kids. If you move on in recovery with the kids, maybe she will join you in recovery, maybe not but at least the kids will have a less abusive, neglectful & betrayed life than living with an active A/parent.

I personally would not give an active A a houseplant to care for.

Two years ago on a HOT August day in Houston, TX my step dad was digging around in the truck at my mom's house and the dogs were jumping all over. Well A closed up the car and went inside. Five or ten minutes later he was looking for Blue and couldnt find him. He died in the car being locked on it only ten minutes. Vet said his brain exploded from the heat. I cant imagine the pain that dog went through but Im sure it was a terrible disgusting way to die and Im still having trouble forgiving him for it.

So I feel like I learned the hard way. Who knows maybe ur AW is a perfectly wonderful mother and no accident will ever happen but I see this as an extention of denial. Take what you like and leave the rest. This is your life.

-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 6th of August 2009 09:48:18 AM

Inpain · Senior Member

ajay,

She is endangering the health of your unborn child - end of story. She made that choice. That was her decision.

What are you prepared to do about it?

But that would mean destroying her.

Sometimes you have to hit bottom, before you can turn around to claw back to the top.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The law isn't that the mother keeps the kids. There are plenty of men who get custody especially if the mother is impaired. Personally maybe you are getting too far ahead. I hope you are able to work on detaching. There is a primer on www.coping.org. There are also lots of ways you can support and care for yourself at this time. Go to the chat room here, get to meetings. Take it one day at a time.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"