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I have posted before but under a different name, which I can't remember.
Today I am distraught, as I was yesterday, last week, last year, two years ago. I have been 'hanging on' to a dry drunk who left my family, (we have a 5 year old son together) and moved countries. For the last 2 years I have wanted to believe what he told me. He lived off me for 7 years, promising every 6 months that things would get better, be different - and would always say that at least we had each other. I worked, paid the bills, maintained the house, looked after my 4 children, hoping that I could provide a stable environment for him in which he would 'find himself' and start to contribute and share in the responsibilities. I tried so hard not to burden him with everything as he was too fragile to take it. It was all always about him, I spent hours and hours worrying about his life, his misery, his depression trying not to complain about my own lot. When our 5 year old was born I really believed things would change and he would finally grow up, want to take on the responsibility of this little baby, realise there was more to worry about than himself. That's when things started to deteriorate. Instead of embracing the responsibilities a new child brings, he became more and more resentful that the focus was no longer on him. He loved his little boy and would spend all his time with him, but was unable to contemplate the responsibilities attached. Of course, with a new baby and 3 other teenagers to deal with, along with a full time job, I felt the pressure and found it difficult to cope. He grew more and more resentful and slowly shut down emotionally on me. Finally the day came when he sent me an email to say he had left the country.
I was devastated. He reasurred me that he had to do this to get a life for himself and that he was doing it all for me and our son. For the last 2 years he has called us nearly every evening. He has told me he loves me, to be patient, to give him time, to stop putting pressure on him. In return I have backed off completely, flown to see him with our son on almost a monthly basis (at great expense) not asked questions, tried not to put any pressure on him - just tried to reassure him how much I loved him and how wonderful I thought he was. He has borrowed HUGE asmounts of money from me over the years - money specifically that he said he would repay. Yet, once he borrowed it he would never mention it again. Never apologise for not repaying it, not being able to, not even acknowledging that he still owed it. Yet I continued to lend him money and buy him everything believing one day it would come good.
Over the past 2 years he has told me nothing of his life. He refuses to say who he's seen, where he's been, what he's been doing. We only talk about the weather or our son. Yet he tells me to hang on and he loves me. Then recently I found out, by accident, that he had gone away on vacation with friends, and obviously bought himself his plane ticket. When I asked why he felt he could do this when he has not yet repaid me his most recent 'loan' he told me to mind my own business and he would pay it back when he felt like it. I told him I wanted to take our son on vacation - he asked if he could come too. I agreed. Then the day before, as we are in the same country at the moment, he declares that he has lived a lie for the last 10 years, he wants nothing more to do with me, I would never make him happy and I must leave him alone.
I am planning on moving to the country where he is living in 3 weeks so our son could be closer to his father and I would be too. This had always been our plan. I've committed to this, found new schools for my children, am looking forward to it too as I will be moving 'home' but am so devastated by the finality of everything.
I am clearly being blamed for everything bad in his life. No matter what I say I represent everything he hates now - yet I've tried so hard to be the opposite. I truly believe that he has found friends who will support him and his behaviour and he doesn't have to answer to them in any way so I now am just trouble. He is 50 years old, has lived rent free in his sisters house for the past 2 years, borrows his friends cars, is funny and charming and worth having around, so these people are giving him license to get rid of me - what he sees as the pressure! Yet I've loved him through thick and thin, have tried so hard to give him space, tried to believe what he's told me (yet his actions and words don't match) and felt we had so much going for us. We get on so well, enjoy similar things, don't argue and used to just love being together.
I'm totally and utterly destroyed. I resent our 5 year old as he loves his father and believes I'm the one being mean, I resent all my friends and family who are so pleased at the thought I may finally be rid of him and am struggling as noone wants to hear me crying any more and I don't want to hear how awful he is. I made a commitment, years ago, that I would stick with him no matter what, and had a child on the strength of that, and can't believe it can be that easy to throw it all away.
I know there's nothing I can do, I can't change his mind or make him love me but I just cant believe anyone can be so heartless and callous. He is using all the AA tools of 'not engaging in discussions he doesn't want to', 'getting his own life together' and this breaks my heart.
I hate the platitudes of being told to 'get on with my own life', 'take control of my life' 'let go and let God'. It's too important to me, and in my opinion giving him an easy way out.
He appears to be so relieved he's finally said it all and got me off his back. He is stubborn and determined about this, yet is scared of his own shadow about the rest of his life - it so intolerably cruel and unfair.
I just needed to vent and I know you will understand. Yes, I can fill my days up with everything. I have lots of friends, I'm very outgoing and usually a happy person, but I don't want to do this. He was my best friend, the person I trusted for advice, the person I thought truly cared about me...... what will I do without him?
Hopefully will do like so many of us here... you will go to al-anon meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, read the literature, and learn who you really are. You will continue to connect with those like yourself, and see your story in ours. You will discover what an amazingly strong woman you are. You will come to understand the disease of alcoholism, and come to believe that truly you didn't cause it, can't control it, nor cure it. In time, hopefully the burden will be lifted as you realize that the blaming behavior is not because you are at fault, but rather a very typical alcoholic trait, and one that keeps the alcoholic from having to take responsibility for himself.
You will keep on loving that precious little boy and learn to love yourself.
I understand your story so well.
Hang in there and keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I think you have to give him the easy way out- I don't see another way that won't hurt you and your boy more than anyone else.
He's got his own path (which sounds like it leaves a wake of destruction and heartache) and you do too, plus you have your son's for awhile, until he's grown, and demanding that this man be his role model doesn't sound like it's in anyone's best interest.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. I'm so sorry. It's a horrible pill to swallow, I know, but at the same time, it's a weight off, even if it feels like you're being irresponsible. You're not. You're acknowledging that he's an adult and has the right to be a f@ck-up.
Go to meetings- you'll meet a lot of people there who aren't going to say "about time!" and "why did you stay with him?!" I hate that. Of course there were reasons to stay! If alcoholics were horrible through and through this wouldn't be hard.
Someone said something in a meeting that kept me coming back: Al-anon allows me to love the alcoholics in my life, even when I sometimes have to cut them out of it for awhile. Without Al-anon I would have come to hate them, and really the ones in my life are amazing, wonderful people, underneath the disease. (deep deep underneath LOL!) But when I don't go to meetings for support and work the program, I can't stay healthy enough to detach and live my own life.
This is long and rambly, but in short, please do yourself and your boy the favor of taking care of yourself first. You can worry about him later- he'll be around. There's no rush.
I really feel for you, sad4life. I am so sorry you're going through this.
And the lyrics to a song I think about when I get sad about the alcoholic in my life:
Anxious hope and thoughts of love Will never let me down or let me go Inside, my heart's a cage of ice Where love and loss still toss the lonely dice I burned the whole night long My thoughts were never far from you
Love that locks and binds must die But when it dies a part of you dies too
You are probably in a horrible time of grief, loss and despair. I was when I realized my marriage was not going to make it. AND it still took me a while to get out of it.
In recovery, we find people who understand "why we stayed" or "why we did what we did" - and you know what - we also find people that it doesn't matter - we are accepted unconditionally, loved and supported thru this painful times.
My family tries and I love them for it. But they don't get it at all. I have to get my support thru "my kinda people" - people I find here - that understand my experiences.
Please give yourself lots of self-care, healthy recovery oriented things. As for your son, you have given him a great gift - the gift of self-respect. That he as a son deserves MORE from his father, and that he deserves a MOTHER that deserves MORE respect from her partner!!
You are teaching him wonderful life lessons.
That's an awesome thing for your son to see in your actions.
HUGS to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
