SELF CARE - Al-Anon Family Group

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

SELF CARE

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I was very afraid of becoming selfish like the A's that I knew. I too had to face that I was acting like a martyr and all that gets you is dead. I had to use logic on myself. I looked around and saw that other healthy people did have some selfish times, I mean if u never do, how can u truly know what your needs actually are. I also had to accept that since I am not an A, I would never become selfish in that way. That this was about self preservation and it is healthy & "normal". I also had to face the fact that I did not love myself, I didnt know how. I decided to take some of what I was so willing to give to others, to give a little bit to myself. I got down to a fraction and decided to start there. The self love was pathetically small but it was still tangible and the littlest bit did make all the difference.

Previosuly, to this life of martydrom I had created for myself, I was very suicidal and miserable and irritable, constantly. I felt I had no life, so yeah had I killed myself, I would have seen someone else's life flash b4 my eyes. I realized I had totally wasted the life god gave me by not loving myself. Then it bercame easier to do the heatlhy thing for me.

It is true, if u dont love yourself first, who will? We all get to do it for ourselves.

I can honestly say, that when I got busy with self love, it allowed me to be even more compassionate to others & more loving, it only added to the experience of life and loving, it did not take anything away.

Once I left my exAH, I too became hyper sensitive to manipulation. Today I am not manipuilated. When I sense that, I exclaim, "wow that is manipulative behavior!" so I can say it out loud to help diffuse the situation &/or me. Simply put, the manipulation no longer works and I no longer buy into it. I have all this freedom and room for pure action. I dont react, I sit and allow my feelings to wash over me, then I can respond in a more healthy way. Awareness if the painful beginning, acceptance and then action. Keep working it!

"How do I stop myself from becoming angrey and selfish I want to be balances to care for other but put me first
Its very confusings any esh gratefully appreciated" -tracy

I say, actually try it ~ put yourself first and love yourself first. We say to put on ur own oxygen mask first, same principle. If you dont do this, who will? Well, as far as I could tell, no one but me, it is my life after all. ((((( tracy ))))) Once u do, u will see that you are being fulfilled by taking acre of self frist and your self esteem will grow b/c u will be giving you what u really need. I see this as a spirtiual practise of self care. I did get balance when I did this. I was no longer a desperate insatiable hole taking validation and approval from others. I loved myself first and got filled. If I knew it was this easy, I would have tried it years ago and spared myself twenty yrs of suffering but I guess we all get to it when we are ready & in the "right" time. I remind myself it is HP's time, not mine. I get to be grateful I made it to this point. *smiles, hugs*

Overcome · Senior Member

Hi Tracy,
I'm codependent too. I used to go to a Codependency 12-step group, when they were "fashionable" in the 80's when the Melody Beattie's books on Codependency came out. Codependent No More, Codependent No More; Beyond Codependency; Codependents Guide to the 12-steps; The Language of Letting Go; Daily Meditations. All of these can be seen below this screen on a link called http://www.12stepforums.net/books.html . These are all good reads on codependency.

I have found that I can learn as much, if not more, from Al-anon in the area of self-care, these guys are experts in the art!

You said, "Most people look out for them selves and are quite selfish, I look out for them too and then get angrey that no one looks out for me." I have found that there is a difference between being "selfish" and having "self-care". Looking out for oneself and taking care of one's own needs and setting boundaries (which it talks a lot about in the Melody Beattie books) is self-care. Putting oneself above others and not thinking of others needs at all, and especially at the expense of others, in my opinion is being "selfish". Webster's New World dictionary describes selfish as "overly concerned with one's own interests and having little concern for others".

We have to be our own best friend and look out for ourself. The reality that no one will do it for us, sux, but that is just how it is, and maybe how it should be. We each need to be responsible for our own needs and not feel "entitled" to have someone else look out for our needs for us.

I have this problem too, wanting someone to "rescue" me from my problems. I am going through a divorce and am constantly coming across things that my soon to be ex-husband would have done and I have to "take care of them" myself. For some reason this makes me angry at him, which makes no sense, because I am the one that asked him to leave! So at any rate, I am responsible for me and taking care of my business now, not him.

If your not in an Al-Anon f2f group I would recommend finding one. They are a great resource for learning to take care of yourself. You can find a sponsor there and help you to work the 12 steps, that will help you to find yourself and your boundaries. Their are meetings here twice a day too that are very helpful. At 9 a.m. and 9 p.m. respectively on Monday - Friday. Saturdays are 10 a.m. and 9 p.m. and Sundays are 10 a.m. and 7 p.m. e.s.t. The chat room is great too!

Yours in Recovery,
Overcome

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Tracy))))
thank you for this share. it really hit home with me too and made me think about where I am with my codependancy issues. I still need a lot of work:)

love and peace
shelly

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((TRACY))))))))

when a co-dependent dies someone elses life flases before their eyes as they have never lived their own.

WOW... Good Stuff... I personally did not feel comfortable AT ALL, when I started recovery, for I was still in Denial that *I* mattered at all... I was sooo Use to taking care of my Afather, ABrothers many Mishaps with the law, My ASisters not speaking to my Afather, My Cody Mom get'n used by ABrother, My Cody Mom not being treated "As I Saw Fit" buy her Abf of (25 years).. How in God's Name could I even THINK that *I* Was Important in ANY Of that...I had to Think about THEM... Not ME!!!

Well Since Al-anon, Since admitting I am an ACOA, and since I started this Journey of Recovery, I have hit many "Bumps" in the road, just as you have..F2F Are Wonderful in times like this... Don't be so hard on your self, Recovery I had to EASE Into, I couldn't do it all in a day... That was MY Need to "Take Over" and "Hurry Up" and get'r done... That isn't reality in Recovery, I need these bumps in order to Grow in my Recovery... We all do...

Your Doing Great, Admittance, and Accepttense, and Awareness ARE HUGE, Seems you reached some of those today :) So Keep Coming back, and Keep up the Great work...

Friends In Recovery... One Day (Or Moment) At A Time :)

Love & Prayers

Jozie

xter · Senior Member

whew - self care. sometimes i have no idea how to do it. i identify very much with kitty's pre-program self. i feel as if i am insatiable hole taking validation and approval from others. i give myself only insults and torment.

but it will come together. at least i'm recognizing it, and changing it little by little. you're realizing it too, ((Tracy)). thanks for your share. it makes me feel less alone.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it is remotely selfish to take care of yourself.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.