The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last month, after 5 long months of fighting and begging him to tell me who he was having an affair with, I threw my husband of 10 years out of the house.
I quickly confirmed my worst fears that he had been cheating on me since February with a girl who shares his fairly recently discovered spiritual beliefs (which I do not share).
My husband is the son of alcoholic parents with his father passing away suddenly in May. My husband is a dry drunk who has not drank in 15 years.
I only recently accepted the two above statements and I have begun working on my own recovery by attending meetings (2 a week when I have time) but each moment is a struggle to understand the lies (they continue in every conversation that we have) and I am struggling to detach myself from him, his choices, his disease. At times, I feel like I am suffocating and the only way that I can breathe is to attend a meeting or read Courage to Change.
Today was particularly difficult as his behavior has become more passive-aggressive - snide remarks about how much more money I have than he does, how I am able to take our child on vacation. I know that his issues are his own and I can't help him and I can no longer enable his behaviors - whether it is the lying, putdowns, etc. As I struggle to admit that I have no power over the disease, I continue to obsess over what happened, what he's doing, why he is doing it. Today has been the most difficult days in recent weeks. I sometimes feel resentful that I am working so hard on my recovery and changing my behaviors while he continues his tried and true ways.
I will continue to rely on my higher power and take each moment at a time.
Thank you for letting me share and I look forward to your thoughts.
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"Forgiving is not forgetting. It is letting go of the hurt."
Princess it was very hard for me at first to understand that just not using means nothing. With no program of recovery, he is just an addict with all the symptoms, but one, using.
It actually can be worse when they are dry addicts. They are still not thinking with a whole brain or heart.
yes you are working your program as the disease is working him. The disease is insanity.
We can only control us. What he does or does not do, really does not matter. As you get into Al Anon it will become more and more apparent.
Princess unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour. Your husband is very ill and doesnot understand his own illness. Putting down the drink is the first step and set the foundations for recovery, however AA just like al anon changes our thoughs, attitudes and behaviours without a programme he will not move forward. My partner cheated on me nearly two years ago and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I think that made me realise how ill he was and that I needed to love me because he was to ill to provide the love I needed. There is hope me A is sober today and in AA but that was his choice. I just try to make the right choices for me today
hugs and more hugs take what you like and leave the rest hope it helps
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great exeperience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). You are doing all the right things by attending your meetings and working your program. There's lots of emotions going on. You are mourning the loss of a relationship. Just like I am mourning the loss of my beloved Tim who passed away last year. The emotions are the same. Take the time to grieve.
Get angry and let it go. You will be alright. This program teaches detachment. It's a great tool to have in your toolbox. Remember you made the decision that was best for you and your family. You are taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. This is what recovery is all about. Continue to do what is best for you. All will be well. Please keep coming back. You are always welcome. Check out our online meetings if you can't always get to your face to face. They are awesome. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I too am saying goodbye to a dry drunk husband, to which I have only been married for 3 years. He has been dry for the entire marriage and still remains dry to my knowledge. He too has found a "new spirituality" and relies totally on that to keep him sober and does not attend AA. He thinks AA is a crutch. He knows that I go to Al-Anon and he resents that to the ninth degree.
All I can say to you is keep going to your f2f meetings and getting the e,s,&h that you will get there that will help you through this time. I too, know the pain of being cheated on, although it was from a previous relationship. It hurts lilke he**, but this too shall pass and he wasn't worth it in the first place (my relationship).
You stated that "Today was particularly difficult as his behavior has become more passive-aggressive..." recently I have found that my dry drunk husband has done this too and I have to remind myself that I don't have to attend every argument that I'm invited too. It helps me to stay detached from his statements and for the most part, I just don't answer his very frequent phone calls, because they are only about controling me and I'm not into that game.
Take care of you and keep going to your f2f meetings and come in here and post whenever you feel like it. It does help. So do the on-line meetings that are offered on this site and the chat room. Take care of you and best wishes...
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I sometimes feel resentful that I am working so hard on my recovery and changing my behaviors while he continues his tried and true ways.
I copied that from your post. I remember thinking the same thing. It took me a while to really disentangle myself from my ex and work my recovery strickly for me with no thought of him whatsoever. Hang in there....it gets better.
I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and love. Since beginning my recovery and finding a community that understands, I have begun to find moments of sanity. I know that I have a long road ahead of me but I need to be strong for myself and my son.
Today was a much better day - I was able channel my obsessive behavior and not e-mail him or attempt to contact him once and I didn't respond to any of his passive aggressive comments. I am a little worried as my son and I are traveling to his native country for vacation in 3 days and I am anxious that his behavior towards me will worsen and I won't react well. I keep focusing on my higher power and releasing myself to his plan.
Tomorrow we have a counseling session to help improve our communication and be better parents but this week has been one of worst and best since our separation. I have begun to detach but his behavior continues to worsen - but sometimes it just pushes to work harder on my recovery.
Thank you again...
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"Forgiving is not forgetting. It is letting go of the hurt."
I said goodbye to a alcoholic drug addict 2 years ago. The goodbye was a prolonged one before I got to a place of detachment. Believe me you will get a lot of support on this board. I doubt I would have been able to manage the goodbye without it. We are rooting for you.
Here you will find great exeperience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). You are doing all the right things by attending your meetings and working your program. There's lots of emotions going on. You are mourning the loss of a relationship. Just like I am mourning the loss of my beloved Tim who passed away last year. The emotions are the same. Take the time to grieve. 
