The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here goes 15 things I am powerless over and 15 ways my life is unmanagable... Geesh! That hardly sounds inspiring. DO I really have 15 of each? Yikes! I am in Alanon for a reason. I'll come up with something, I can do this work..
OK-- I am powerless over the icky parts of my childhood. The creepy old men, my brother's friends, the man in town who let me be "captain of his house". I was a child, and I had many older siblings who were teenagers. I acted like I knew more than I really did, was more sophisticated, more grown-up than I really was. The old men WERE icky, and I have nothing to do with how ikcy they were. My accountability is that I could tell it was all wrong, but I was in role in which my script was already written for me: the temptress, the nymph. My accountability is that I covered it all up, and acted innocently when I got home-- the Unmanageable part to this is what I really needed were some boundaries, and if I had TOLD my parents or an older sibling after the first time, I would have gotten the boundaries I needed. But I didn't tell. The second unmanageable part in all of this is how ashamed I felt, and still feel, at my behavior as a child. (i need to forgive that. I was just a kid. I really didn't know how being molested would affect me growing up. At the time, it was OK with me. ICK)
It's been 30 years now, and I still think about that time in my life, still feel the ICK.
The other unmanageable part is that I see, or think I see, little girls in precarious situations all the time-- as well as men/boys who maybe are or maybe aren't those icky opportunist abusers. Sometimes seeing this side to life, or even THINKING I see it, can cause me to panic, or overreact, or flip a switch and become over-protective, overly-scared, and basically, just really really weird/uncomfortable.
2. I am pwoerless over my subconscious-- which is infinitely more powerful than my consciousness. I am driven by emotional needs and self-fulfilling prophesies that I don't even realize are there until I'm wondering "What the heck happened to me?" The messages I got/ or gave to myself at some point had to have been self-abusing for me to have the bad luck I have had. I wouldn't wish the life I have had on my worst enemy. But I love myself? Hmmmm.
The unmanageable part of this is that even sometimes when I know I'm back to barking up wrong trees, I don't stop it. I married a man when it didn't feel right, when I knew I didn't feel loved-- I had no proof at the time that he was abusive because I didn't know about emotional abuse-- but once we were married and he choked me... yeah. I knew it then. But, do you know... I STAYED anyway?
3. I am powerless over who I am attracted to now and I cannot force myself to be attracted to someone who might be good for me-- all the men in my life have been liabilities for me, not assets, and I feel powerless when I think about this. There must be something I am getting out of these relationships or I wouldn't persue them. The unmanageable part is that I am engaged to a man I suspect of having a porn addiction/sexual disfunction/ is a pothead/ and drinks daily. I was already with a cheater, and then with a beater, and now with an addict... the three A's-- the Only reasons the depression-era people can rationalize divorcing for are Adultery, abuse, and addiction... and here, I am going out and getting one of each!
4. I seem powerless over the idea that I must learn the hard way. Why can't I learn the easy way? Why do I need to experience these men who drag me down rather than just put up a healthy boundary and go OK "This is not for me. So sorry. My mistake" and LEAVE before I'm emotionally involved? The unmanageable part is that I could TELL my fiance had these issues when we were just dating, and I thought long and hard before I let myself fall for him... and it isn't fear of being alone that made me love him, it was this odd feeling that things were somehow "right" or comfortable---> like I wouoldn't know WHAT to do with a man who didn't have some hang up or issue for me to work with. But I know I don't want another wife beater-- been there, done that. And I know I am done with cheaters... so conveniently, I found a man who is kinder than most, and at 48 years old does not have a history of infidelity-- and I feel safe with him-- I still do. Even suspecting/knowing he's an addict of porn, pot, and alcohol.
(Am I doint this right?)
5. I am powerless over his pot consumption. He asked me if it would be OK if he bought a pound, to sell-- I said I couldn't tell him what to do, that he's a grown man, but that I really didn't want him to go to Jail for a long time, or at all. I also said I didn't want to know about it, or see it, or know where it was. The unmanageable part to this is I DID end up seeing it, and I do know where he kept it, and I witnessed him measuring it out... and from his POV, I seemed "Down" with it all-- even tho I wasn't, really. Not deep inside. Again, that's me-- just reading the script for the role I am playing.
6. I am powerless over how my choices in men affect my son-- I try to give him perspective on my fiance. I talk openly about his addictions to my son, and I tell him that we can't take his issues on or try to save him or help him. we can juust love him. the unmangeable part to this is that my son is growing up too fast, and he may become co-dependent like me. My son is learning to accept less than he can get, less than he is worth. He's learning this from me-- and I'm Pro at this point.
7. I am powerless over the way the men I have loved have treated me, and while I am so thankful that my fiance treats me with the utmost respect and lovingly, I feel empty when he smokes pot and "disappears". The unmanageable part is that he offers to not smoke and sometimes It ake him up on those offers, and other times I "let" him do it anyway. Sometimes it really doesn't bother me at all, and other times it does. The second unmanageable part to this is that I grew up with hippies for parents and a whole culture of intelligent, kindly pot smokers all around. Some of them- many of them- had very good lives with big extended family groups and friends, lots of fresh flowers, good food, and cheer... many are productive members of society and do things like raise each other's children however they can. I can't say I don't beleive in that ideaology of the pot smoker...
8. I am powerless over my fiance's interest in me sexually. I can't turn him on and feel sexy. I can only appreciate when he is turned on by me, but even then I wonder if it's really me turning him on, or if he just feels like having sex. either way, we make love, and sometimes we connect and sometimes it's just a loving act. I never regret it, I do no feel like he's playing games with me-- but I wish he didn't have the porn to turn to and numb himself to me. The unmanageable part is I am not as old has he is, and I wonder if I'll ever have a fulfilling sex life... the unmanageable part 2 is that I got him some Goat Weed (for men's virility) and *I* want him to be more turned on, by the real woman in front of him. But he doesn't seem to care about sex (he's either been there/done that or read about it in a magazine)... so we are at an impasse.
9. I am powerless over the whiskey he keeps in the freezer and the occassional swigs off it he'll take at say, 2 PM... or just before dinner. The unmanageable part is that my son sees this and thinks it's normal. The unmanageable part is that he doesn't get drunk very often and his life is in check in most ways, so I can't really say it isn't "good" for him to be doing that. But as a nurse, I know daily alcohol use has a cumulative effect on the liver.
10. I am pwoerless over his proposing to me a year ago, and me still not having a ring nor the "engagement canoe" we agreed on. The unmanageable part is that I feel intruinsically like the ring or canoe has to come from him-- yet *I* am the one out ring shopping and pricing boats, researching places to be married etc. I feel he really maybe isn't even interested in being married, or living together. Yet I see him working on his house, getting it ready, for our eventual marital life together. And he DOES buy me gifts, including flowers and does other nice things for me-- again-- it's not that he's not NICE. It's not that he isn't loving. It's not that I don't feel loved, because I do...it's just getting used to the disfunction of HIM. The engaged without a ring or a plan engagement. The building a house with a shower bui;t for two but using a bucket for a toilet in the winter, or buying things on credit when he dosn't have his next job lined up.. disfunction can be frustrating.
11. I seem to be powerless over my expectation that he will behave like a man and be functional. the unmanageable part to this is that by now, I am doing it to myself. And my rationale for puting up with it is remembering my FOO disfunction and my mom not having my dad around because he was a busy doctor, and even tho she had 7 kids at home and times were stressful for her, she put her shoulder to the plow, so to speak, and got what she needed to done and any fighting or discussions they might have had on the subject were in private so I really have no idea how she coped with the disfunction in their lives or how it came to be that things eventually got better and that have had 55 years together now.
12. I am powerless over the way my fiance looks at other women. Even tho he's sly about it, he's told me that he can't help but feel like the whole world is out to tempt him. So I know that when we go somewhere he's looking at other women... I had always assumed that about every man anyway, but having him SAY it aloud, and to me... well... that changes things. The unmangaeable part is that now I don't like other women and I feel threatened by their mere precense, especuially if they are more the "pin up" girl than I am. I normally am a friendly person who always tries to see the good in everyone-- now I see women and I find myself thinking and feeling negatively about them. I would like to stop this.
13. I am powerless over the way he might or might not feel about his past relationships with women. If he has some he still likes and accepts their phone calls after 11 PM-- I have no power over that. The unmanageable part is that I have deleted most of the old photos of an X girlfriend, and I have told him I think it's inappropriate of him to accept her calls late at night. I asked him to examine his true feelings for her, and if he finds he still has any desire for her at all that I want him to be happy, and am in turn happy to send him on his way back to her. He has told me that even ifh e had the one x in question back, he'd be unhappy and he spoke with her and told her all about me. He tells me I'm his last chance at a good relationship and if we don't work out, he's giving up on relationships all together.
14. I am powerless over what he does-- if we don't work out, or if we do-- and I am not responsible for his situiation in life-- being an addcit of this and that, and having issues he doesn't want to deal with. The unmanageable part is that I force the issues sometimes and ask/require him to be more emotionally intelligent about himself.
15. and ultimately, I am powerless over what happens next. If we have a great life together, addictions be damned-- or not-- this is just another chapter in the book of my life, and for the most part, I feel good about my life. If we don't work out, I won't be devastated. I know devastation... I get that when I lclose my eyes and leap without looking. I am leaping now, but I'm also keeping my eyes wide open and looking all around. The weird part is that I woner sometimes if my heart is really in all this or not, and I don't know if i should or shouldn't be 100%. I figure we both are doing the best we can. He is giving all an addict has to give... and I am giving all I have. IT's not the best, maybe, but the best I can do. Overall, we are good to one another, and I think our chances of being happy are at least 50/50. I can't pretend they are any better than that. Not sure I"d trust it if they were.
Your post took my breath away. I am in awe of your insight and self analysis.
Things we are powerless over, well I've always related that to others. To see it from the perspective of self is a revalation. I identified with all 15 on some level, especially the having to learn the hard way point. I have real difficulty understanding myself and the subconscious behaviour that drives me.
Knowledge is power and you have so much self knowledge. With this knowledge you can take back your power.
I see now why this site is called Miracles In Progress, you are one of those miracles, sharing your es&h bringing light and hope to others. I admire your honesty. I see a great deal of healing in your post and I know I will gain alot of growth from your words.
Very enlightening post, thank you. Let me just say, if I were to try to count the ways I am powerless, the number is infinite. What I am in control of is me. I wasn't at first. I was just as obsessed as an addict is compulsed and in denial. They are addicted to substance a, b & c and I was addicted to them. But I what I did determine is that I picked up my "coping mechanisms" as a small child not informed about this disease. I was also coming from emotional neglect (my mom is acoa & couldnt talk about her feelings & issues but encouraged me to discuss mine... needless to say, growing up was painful for us both, me trying to share & purge with her and her inability to deal with any of it).
I had to face that my situation as a child was not my fault or responsiblity but as an adult I could change those "coping mechanisms" - I could put down ones that werent working & discover new more effective ones. Same with boundaries, u can create boundaries for yourself, now.
What really changed me, was I got busy learning to focus on me and not others. I also had to discover what self love was b/c I had no love for me, I was a martyr & totally self sacrificing. Well, that way only gets you dead. Once I got serious on discovering self love ~ then everything radically changed. Yes, I still got the opportunity to deal with unresolved emotions and I did. Feel, deal, heal. Gotta walk thought it, to release it & let it go. It is painful to revisit but so worth getting over. Shame comes from the abusers, when they say keep this secret or else - this ties us to them & the past traumas. We're only as sick as our secrets. I encourage you to forgive yourself. I think when we learn to enjoy certain experiences, even though they may be hurtful, it is us trying to cope... forgive yourself. You know, every time I went to forgive someone for something, it would always come back to me & me having to forgive myself for being resentful in the first place.
When I got really focused on me, I realized I could still be a rescuer & a fixer but now my energy was focused on me healing me and I could appreciate my own hard work! Not sit there & get all mad like others do, hehe, when Im trying to influence & change them. Just b/c ur changing, dont expect anyone else to. It is our perrogative, our choice. Of course an A doesnt want to change, they want the status quo, they want to be enabled & to be allowed to do what they always do.
Focus on you and work on you. So much of this stuff that we are powerless over, is simply none of my business. I used to obsess on my parent's mental health. Well, u know it is their choice, I have made mine for recovery & growth. I dont ahve to stare at their decision not to - focusing on that only takes me away from what I can do. Remember what u focus on grows. Detachment is an amazing gift, best feeling I ever had. When I got a tiny bit of it, I wanted tons more! I had to set and follow through with a boundary to experience it the first time. It is worth it.
I dont know how old ur son is but I can tell you being a child formerly, kids emulate you. That is plenty of incentive for u to be the best person u can be & get your recovery. Then ur son will emulate your recovery.
Glad ur here & keep working it voraciously. Brutal honesty is the way to get recovery and u are clearly on your way. (((((( hugs )))))))
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Ah... thank you, ladies. Your replies made me feel better. I am really working on accepting myself. In fact, I think I am most of the way there. my soon to be AH told me last night that he wants me to be as smart as I want to be, and he supports me, in whatever I want to do. He said he felt really ashamed to think that I might be "dumbing down" to be with him.
Well, I'm not. Not exactly. I am as smart as I want to be... as smart as I have trained myself to be. Living in the world where bodies are rewarded more than brains, seems as smart as I am, men-- even smart ones-- prefer someone who just looks good-- they don't care how smart they are, as long as they make a nice trophy and have a good time. I say now that I'll beleive him about him wanting me to have brains when eh starts getting "Smart women Magazine" with pictures of dorky girls in glasses, getting their Phd's.
Kitty-- It is interesting-- allof this. I re read your response to me here, and I have to say that I don't resent the molesters. I fear for other children, but the icky old men were just that-- icky-- and that is unforntunate, but nothing more. I don't have to resent them for it. THey have an illness, a disease. Their disease makes them hurt people, but I don't think they choose to hurt people. It wasn't like that. More like a character flaw than an evil-intent. BUt that is my opinion only. I forgive them. THat isn't the issue. And I forgive myself--that isn't the issue now, at this stage. I just am left with a state of wonderment about my role in it all. No one told me to keep it a secret. I was having fun.
I know how "xxxx" up that sounds/is. Mostly, today, I am just thankful that the damage wasn't worse. That I ended up with my viginity in tact, and that I could live it down because there was an element of control in it for me-- it took years for me to see the men as "bad" since I felt, and still feel, that I sorta pushed them to it. I was just a child, but I knew right from wrong, and I wanted a little trouble. I knew it was trouble, and I looked for it--- THIS is where my quandry lies. Why was I spending my time doing that?
it doesn't matter. Except that I want to know myself better. It's easy to sit back and judge the experience. To say "Even if I took my clothes off and did cartwheels in front of that old man, he should have restrained himself, even when I walked right up to him naked and sat on his lap!" and get all angry at him for not having the whatever he needed to push me away, yell at me, kick me out and be the grown up and make me get dressed. BUt I knew he wouldn't be able to resist. I could tell. Notice, I didn't take off my clothes and sit on every man's lap-- I sat on HIS, and I did it without being conned or bribed, or set up. I was laughing when I did it-- knowing he would get into trouble if anyone knew. I did something simil;ar to this when I started seeing a married man, as an adult. I knew he was lonely, and I didn't leave him alone. And now I'm left with "Why?" I'm not a victim here. Not in the least! IT's easy for me to give my childhood credit foe why I pick the men I do. But that is a lame excuse, and I know better than to do that. The truth is *I* have always liked an adventure, and I have always been a good judge of character. But being in relationships isn't really the sort of adventure I thought I would pick out to have. What I haven't known is what experiences in life are worth having and which adventures I just need to skip right over and go do something more positive. Being out of control isn't one of my problems. It was hard for me to come up with 15. I see mysel;f as being in A LOT more control than really I even want. I WISH sometimes that I could say "I didn't see that coming" but the truth is, very little suprises me.
I am changing, accepting more about life and the way things are. Letting go of fears is the hard part for me now. ONce a month I am insecure about everything and an ugly light gets cast. Like a little voice creeps up and says nasty things to me. I am cyclical this way, lately. I build my life/myself, and tear it all down.
Maybe I am bi-polar? Maybe I am just not sure yet. I would like to be more secure. I would like to go a month without tripping out on my man over some lame thing that exists only in my head-- straight at the flip-out center of my brain. This last month's weirdness by me was the "I'm not smart enough idea, nor am I pretty enough." IT's over, and delt with, and today I know we are together because neither of us is shallow or just looking for one thing... I know that I'll get out what I put in it. THat he's looking out for me, and reciprocates my caring for him. I am changing becuase change is good. And I am changing because I sense change is needed, and now is the time. I am changing becuase this relationship needs me to, and because I'm ready to. It's in the air, and he even says he feels like he's changing. I am not going to delude myself about what he means... but I want to encourage that feeling. I caon't regret using this as an impetious for myself to change and heal.
He's not saving me. BUt in so many ways, I feel I am being saved. THat I'm finally safe enough to do the work... I owe a lot of that safe feeling to him. He's there for me, stoned or drunk, he makes sense. The difference between him drunk or stoned or sober is slight. I must be pretty far gone if a stoned guy is the only one who makes sense! huh?! LOL
I remember Leaving Las Vegas (the movie) and the prositute who falls in love with the alcoholic and how they were there for eachother, and she got the love she needed to start to love herself a little, and she saw him through to the end.
I don't remember what she ends up doing, tho. O well.
Thanks again, wooops
kitty wrote:
Very enlightening post, thank you. Let me just say, if I were to try to count the ways I am powerless, the number is infinite. What I am in control of is me. I wasn't at first. I was just as obsessed as an addict is compulsed and in denial. They are addicted to substance a, b & c and I was addicted to them. But I what I did determine is that I picked up my "coping mechanisms" as a small child not informed about this disease. I was also coming from emotional neglect (my mom is acoa & couldnt talk about her feelings & issues but encouraged me to discuss mine... needless to say, growing up was painful for us both, me trying to share & purge with her and her inability to deal with any of it).
I had to face that my situation as a child was not my fault or responsiblity but as an adult I could change those "coping mechanisms" - I could put down ones that werent working & discover new more effective ones. Same with boundaries, u can create boundaries for yourself, now.
What really changed me, was I got busy learning to focus on me and not others. I also had to discover what self love was b/c I had no love for me, I was a martyr & totally self sacrificing. Well, that way only gets you dead. Once I got serious on discovering self love ~ then everything radically changed. Yes, I still got the opportunity to deal with unresolved emotions and I did. Feel, deal, heal. Gotta walk thought it, to release it & let it go. It is painful to revisit but so worth getting over. Shame comes from the abusers, when they say keep this secret or else - this ties us to them & the past traumas. We're only as sick as our secrets. I encourage you to forgive yourself. I think when we learn to enjoy certain experiences, even though they may be hurtful, it is us trying to cope... forgive yourself. You know, every time I went to forgive someone for something, it would always come back to me & me having to forgive myself for being resentful in the first place.
When I got really focused on me, I realized I could still be a rescuer & a fixer but now my energy was focused on me healing me and I could appreciate my own hard work! Not sit there & get all mad like others do, hehe, when Im trying to influence & change them. Just b/c ur changing, dont expect anyone else to. It is our perrogative, our choice. Of course an A doesnt want to change, they want the status quo, they want to be enabled & to be allowed to do what they always do.
Focus on you and work on you. So much of this stuff that we are powerless over, is simply none of my business. I used to obsess on my parent's mental health. Well, u know it is their choice, I have made mine for recovery & growth. I dont ahve to stare at their decision not to - focusing on that only takes me away from what I can do. Remember what u focus on grows. Detachment is an amazing gift, best feeling I ever had. When I got a tiny bit of it, I wanted tons more! I had to set and follow through with a boundary to experience it the first time. It is worth it.
I dont know how old ur son is but I can tell you being a child formerly, kids emulate you. That is plenty of incentive for u to be the best person u can be & get your recovery. Then ur son will emulate your recovery.
Glad ur here & keep working it voraciously. Brutal honesty is the way to get recovery and u are clearly on your way. (((((( hugs )))))))
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 30th of October 2009 09:44:38 AM
As far as why u did this when u were a youngster to these guys -- I think it was merely u getting a sense of who u are and feeling out the power play betweeen people. I hope I didnt sound judgemental, I do try very hard to work that out of me. I no longer compare myself constantly to other people. Im sure I still do judge myself some and if I am, surely I am still judging others too -but- I do want that erradicated for the most part from my being. It is in the umbrella of "society" for me and the more I can let that go, the better.
Change for whatever reason that gets u going, is so vital. If u look at nature, u see it changes constanlty and when I was a kid, I did. I am trying to work back into a constant state of change - it is just easier to make little changes all the time then to make gigantic ones once in a while. I was raised with the belief & dogma that improving yourself daily is what u strive for. I can thank my mother for that.
In some of the things u say you are powerless over, involving others... we teach other people how to treat us by what we are willing to tolerate & what we take a stand for. You can effect your relationships in that regard, u can create boundaries.
Asking "why's" - it is usually not going to give us an answer and what it does do is allow us to go off into speculation and fantasies. I say, forgive yourself and move on. Sometimes an act of acceptance or letting go, is all we really need to do to continue on our journey of moving forward.
As far as pot heads go - as long as they dont put pot before basic needs (rent, food, toiletries) I can deal with that. Pot heads are pretty tame compared to raving lunatics that are drunks. I dont know - my exAH was a raving psychopath and he never drank - go figure. He was the daily pot smoking pill popping variety of addict that I highly suspect was/is manic depressive.
Glad ur here sorting it out for you *wink*
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What you said here makes a lot of sense-- I don't need to know why-- I can and need to just forgive myself and move on.
Ok-- consider it DONE!
Now-- back to the powerlessness over my emotional swings...
O, and yeah, my x was a raving lunatic even stone cold sober. Angry mean mean man. I guess I needed that experience to appreciate my lovely man now-- addict or not--who is at least in control of his emotions and kind to everyone. He would give the shirt off his back and ask only if I'm warm. I'll take that sort of disfunction over a lame brain control freak angry meany any day!
