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In my honest opinion, it's far easier said than done. For 8 months I've struggled with that. I might have a difference of opinion here to on the interpretation of "letting go" - but for me, it means letting go of HIS actions. The consequences to his actions are MY responsibility.
For example, if he starts drinking, I will need to leave. I don't want to leave and things in my marriage are better than ever, but it doesn't erase the overwhelming fear I have some days, but those days I have to "let go" of that fear and just not live in the "what if" moments.
Sooooo....this week, he's ALLLLL excited. Some guy is happy with some work he's done. He rewards him with a bottle of homemade wine. He runs home and shows me the wine, like a little kid with a good grade on the paper. I didn't even acknowledge it. (If ANYONE has explanation to THIS behavior, I'm all ears) - (HE'S A DRY DRUNK)
I was upset by this, and the next night for the first time tried to bring up alcohol. I avoid it like the plague. Anytime its brought up, I tell him, I only want a healthy marriage and it's up to him to work out his own issues.
So the past two weeks have been a struggle, because the term "control" seems to be a focal point to all of this. I finally came to a perspective we both could see clearly. I'm not controlling you. If you want to go have a beer - GO. Go and enjoy yourself..I'm not a puppeteer, pulling strings. If you want something go for it.
I can only control me. Know that should you choose that path, I choose a separation. I will leave, or you will leave, but by no means, will we be living or staying in the same house no matter how it will kill me.
Now interestingly, we both walked away from this conversation satisfied with the outcome (LOL - or so I thought). I felt so much better, and I think he did to. It was really our first conversation addressing alcohol. I think he finally got, that he HAS control over himself.
So the next night, what does he do? He takes the bottle of wine and as I'm putting dinner on the table, he says, "Would you like a glass?" - I just angrily said "NO." and walked away. Now the normal me, would have let that fester all night. I would have become anxious and angry and wanted to harp on him for WHY he would WANT me to have a glass of wine, or maybe that was his door for HIM to have a glass of wine, I really have no idea, but I was pissy for about 10 minutes and then finally, said "LET IT GO" and did, and had a GREAT rest of my night....
But really!!! If anyone knows why he's shoving wine under my nose and pushing it in my face, by all means, PLEASE give me some perspective. I think this is a conversation for our addictions/MC, but I'm at a loss. (By the way, I'm sort of a rule follower, wheras he isn't. Our addictions counselor/MC said for both of us to stop drinking and for me to go to al-anon and he to go to AA - I immediately got in program-he got dry-it's a struggle some days for me even)
I don't have the words of wisdom you are looking for, but sounds to me like you are on the right path, setting boundry's, taking care of you and working your program... You Inspire Many... Hang in there Girl... your get'n it.. :) No Projecting, just except it for what it is and move'n on...
I agre with both replies here.. There is no answer we can give you here.. He has a disease.. You just keep working your program though and from what i saw in your post you re working hard at that. Keep it up.. We are here for you as well..
My AH who is dry right now also pushes alcohol on me. He says he's drinking vicariously through me, which seems a little wrong to me. I think that they just want to keep that door open by making sure alcohol always has a welcome place in the home... in case someday... you know....
I know my AH seems to get a buzz just knowing he's going to have a beer, so there must be some king of psychological high from being around it or being around people who are drinking. We can only pray that someday they realise what a high sobriety can be.
Well, the interesting part is I'm not drinking. The fact of the matter is we have alcohol in the home. I always felt that the alcohol was not a problem for me to deal with, so I wasn't going to go around emptying bottles or throwing them out, so in our pantry they've stayed. He hasn't drank them either, but they've sat and collected dust. It's the elephant in the room...LITERALLY! So I'm not drinking in front of him, and I have NO idea why he would want me to have a drink, unless he wanted to have one with me.
I guess I need to just let it go. It's not worth visiting right now. I might bring it up with our addictions counselor just to say, I find the behavior a bit annoying and let the counselor tell us how to deal with it.
Well, A's sometimes like to think that if their SO's drink, then they (the SO) might start to feel hypocritical for not putting up with the A's drinking, and I think many of them, secretly hope that, with some gentle prodding, the sober SO will slip into alcohol dependence and then it's a free for all!
Unless they truly desire and crave recovery, some A's will try every window to get in if the door has been shut, even if they have display good behavior for a very long time until they feel like the storm has passed and they've earned the right to drink again. When they stop drinking but refuse to address it, well, they probabaly think that they aren't the one with the problem, but you are.
