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After 15 years together, my A and I have separated. His drinking didn't become a problem until the last 4 years, during which time he's logged a total of 120 days inpatient treatment (28 days program, then later, a 90-day transitional living program). He also went to 3 different outpatient treatment programs at various times. He got out of the 90-day program about 2 months ago. He was going to AA 4 times a week but relapsed twice during that time. After the years of standing by him, I decided I couldn't live in the house with him any more, even though I still consider him my soul mate and the love of my life.
In addition to the drinking, the trust issues were so hard. Whenever he'd drink he would lie about it.
I've gone to Al-Anon off and on over the last few years but I can't say I've been diligent about it.
So we've told each other we're thinking of this as a "separation" and not a "divorce." We're living in different cities now and not having very much contact at all. In my mind, I'm thinking that if he can put together a year sober, then maybe we could try again. The feelings between us are just so strong. I miss him and it's so hard not talking to him every day.
My question is this. Is it better for us to have little or no personal contact right now? Part of me thinks he needs to be working on himself right now and that he needs to do that without having me as some kind of security blanket. On the other hand, I want to be supportive and I love and care about him and want to know how he's doing.
Very confusing time. Any input would be appreciated.
Separation was the best t hing my husb did for our relationship . i didnt have the courage to do it , he had been sober for 9 months and it was worse than the drinking , very angry and negative all the time he was dry , nothing else had changed . when my husb left our home a week later he was drinking again we had no contact for several months , which was good for me , no pressure to rescue . and lots of time to look after me , go back to your meetings your going to need support from people who have been where your at . you may have figured out this program does not work part time , this is a new way of living your life and the oportunity for him to take responsibiltiy for his own . My husb has been sober for 20 yrs now , and we are still together he came home and willing to go to program and recover , in the time we were separated I found out that i was going to be okay with out him === and he found out that home was where he wanted to be and was willing to do what he had to do to be here . Get the focus back on yourself take care of you and leave the outcome to God . Louise
Aloha HG...The quiet time for me was best...no contact except with people in recovery in Al-Anon. I needed to hear more about what I didn't know and wasn't doing from those who had been where I was and still had genuine smiles on their faces, hearts and souls.
I've been separated from my aH since October. We have toggled back and forth with contact, no contact, time spent, no time spent.
I have found that I am much more inclined to take care of myself and worry about my own back yard, when Im not in close contact with my aH.
For me, if my aH is my addiction, its really best to keep at arms length, until I really have mastered self control and a different way to live. Otherwise, it's way too easy and natural for me to go back to the same old same old.
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Monday 3rd of August 2009 08:39:56 PM
