The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all, confused on alot of things right now. Maybe someone has some answers for me as to what is going on with me. I know this is long (most of mine are -lol)
a few nights ago, AH came to bed with me for two nights and it was wonderful- yes, he was still drinking, but there was intimacy, a feeling of closeness we hadnt shared at night together in years, yes YEARS. Usually it's a hurried thing because of our kids. But for those two nights we didnt have to hurry and we were together all night. I cant tell you how much I missed just having him in the bed beside me sleeping- wonderful. Then two nights ago, he decided he was just going to sleep on the couch. I have no idea why. This brought on so much anger in me because I felt used, as if he just came to bed for one thing. So, the night before last I decided I would do to him what he does to me every night- get drunk. I know this was not smart of me, I ended up pouring all but half a glass of wine down the bathroom sink thinking my idea was stupid. Afterall, I had kids to take care. I went tohim on the couch and asked him to come to bed. All I got was excuses about tv shows- he was so drunk he couldnt even focus his eyes on mine. I then told him I was not going to compete against the alcohol anymore. I was done. Well, then he gets his pillows and goes to our bedroom, and sees the empty wine bottle, saying this is why I was acting like I was. I told him I poured all but hlf a glass down the sink, and he never believed me. I then shouted at him something about how dare him turn this on me, and that he had no idea what he puts me through and that I am truly scared this time because I am on the brink of divorce. Never before had I felt like it was so close. He then goes on to tell me how much he truly loves me and our girls. Which I do believe he does, he just has a hard time showing it to me. Long story short, we both go to bed after alot of yelling and make love. Since the blow up, he has not had anything to drink at night. I know this is hard on him, but it's been hard on me for the past years. He can't sleep with me in the bed for whatever reason, he says the baby keeps him up (shes in a porta crib), he says there's just too mcuh going on??? So he goes to the couch which is where hes at now. I just miss him terribly. My heart hurts I miss so much. And what really scares me is that I am feeling this way because deep down I know maybe this is it. I dont understand how one day I can be so full of anger towards him and not want himnear me, and the next just want him. I think it's because those two nights of closeness we shared I realized what I needed- to feel loved. I am crying my eyes out right now, and hes on the couch. please help me understand this. thank you
Its now around 8 in the morning, and wanted to write back in about how things went once he was up for the morning. He came back into the bedroom around 5 this morning. I couldnt help but be mad at him. Once we were both up, he figured out I was mad at him, just by my actions. He then started once again saying how he couldn't sleep in the bedroom where the baby is because she is so loud- tossing and turning, and that he didn't like the three of us being on this side of the house when our other 2 girls are sleeping on the other side of the house in their rooms. This is funny because just last night he stated how he never sleeps- that even in our room he hears everything. So those two statements contradicted themselves. So, I told him I think it's time for baby to go sleep in her own room, since she keeps him up so much at night. He just said whatever. I also said that maybe I need to be back on the couch with her in her porta crib in the living room again because I can't sleep in our bed anymore with you on the couch. It bothers me too much, especially since our 6 year old isnt in the bed with me anymore- she's in her own now. So, theres really no reason for us not to be together. I later apologized saying I was sorry for being so mean it, its just that I miss him and I need him. He told me that he loves for us to sleep together too, it's just sometimes he can't sleep in the bedroom- ???. I said that I needed this from him before we get lost, and he told me that we are far from "lost", that our marriage at this moment is stronger than it has ever been as far as he is concerned. I am sorry for rambling, I literally had like 2 hours at the most of sleep last night. I am just so confused, by everything.
I remember hearing something from another member and it was painful to absorb but here it goes ~ when u are confused about something it is simply b/c there is something about reality you're not fully accepting. Sure hope that helps in some way, I cant say I have any experience negotiating baby(ies) and a husband.
I'm sorry things are so painful right now. Dont beat yourself up, do whatever you can do to take care of yourself & love you, no mattter what that looks like. Focus on YOU and what u can do to improve ur situation today. All we can do is focus on us, it is who we can change & control and learn to detach with love from others. Detach & then detach some more and love yourself.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
kitty- thank you for your words. But I NEED him. I do believe that he truly does love me, he just isnt capable at this point of showing it the way I need it to be shown. What hurts is I dont know if he ever will. He had a rough time growing up from a preteen on. His mom died right before xmas from an anyurism in the brain. He was forced to basically raise himself because his dad remarried shortly after his mom died, his older sister moved off to another state, and he was left alone. Got into alot of things he shouldn't have- wrong crowd, drugs, etc. He joined the Marine corps to better his life, he really didnt have much of a choice, and served in Desert Storm. I met him 3 months after he got out of the service. I believe he doesnt know how to show love because he really can't remember witnessing it. I know I cant change this man, no matter how much I love him. What usually does change someone in a case like this? Time apart? I have tried to tell him what I need from him, and he doesn't get it. This is what confuses me. So, from what you told me in your reply does that mean that my worst fear is probably true?---- that he doesnt feel the same about me as i do him? And that he can't bring himself to tell me? I dont think that is the case because whenever I bring up divorce he always reassures me. He knew I was serious the other night, and he still kept telling me he loves me with all his heart. Even said that from the daay he was born he was meant to be with me, he truly believed that. Will this get better since he hasn't drank, or will it get worse? I'm told to take care of me first, I honestly don't know how to do that anymore. I have been with this man since I was in high school. Is all of this just part of an A loving his alcolhol first?
Wow, you sound just like me! I have been through very similar experiences with my AH/NH.
What Al-Anon has been teaching me is to separate the disease from the person. The disease causes a ton of shame and embarrassment within the A's head. They hate themselves, they hate what they are doing. Because of that, they sometimes cannot bring themselves to do things that make them feel exposed or embarrassed (i.e. tell the truth or be intimate with someone).
If a cancer patient lost all their hair and would not go to lunch with a friend because they were too embarrassed, that would be easy to understand. Although A's are much more difficult to understand, if I can look at his disease as an ailment that has nothing to do with who he is and what his heart feels deep inside, then I can feel better even when he isn't giving me what I need.
Of course it's hard to hold onto that mindset at all times, but whenever I bring myself back around to looking at it like a true medical ailment, I do start to feel better pretty quickly.
-lol)
, a feeling of closeness we hadnt shared at night together in years, yes YEARS. Usually it's a hurried thing because of our kids. But for those two nights we didnt have to hurry and we were together all night. I cant tell you how much I missed just having him in the bed beside me sleeping- wonderful.