Choices

Such a small word but such a life changer.
My AH-sober is struggling right now with not being happy in his job.Tonite when we were watching tv he said " I hate my job".This is due to a change in his job that was not of his doing.He has gone from being ok with it to hating it to being ok with it.Oh the drama and turmoil that follows alcoholics.
The difference today is in ME.I think back to the times when I would feel the tension,the knot in my stomach every time he would bring up something like this.Oh no.What now.What was I going to have to go thru now....
The knot is not there now.Now I know that this is HIS not mine.We are all on different paths.I used to be so enmeshed with him that I truly believed that his path WAS my path.I believed that in a 'good' marriage two people were one,if one was hurting the other one was supposed to hurt too.Maybe that is true for so called normal people.But in an alcoholic marriage the rules are different.My biggest mistake may have been trying to have a normal marriage with an A.I am sorry to say it just can't be.Even sober they carry baggage and heaviness.He struggles daily to fight the disease inside him.Just trying to live a normal life is hard for him.As it can also be for me if I get pulled in.His choices can affect me but only to the extent I allow them to.I can listen to him.If he asks me what I think about it I can tell him what I think but I must be careful to not let the old fear come up inside me that I must control this or the outcome will be devastation.It was an illusion to think I could control it anyway but I didn't know that.
With deep faith in my HP (God) and the strength and courage I have seen in myself when I rely on Him,I know that even though I cannot control what AH feels,thinks,or does,I CAN control my reaction to it.That is where choice comes in.Today I choose (most of the time,I am not perfect at it) to listen,respond if he asks what I think and then let it go.I choose not to awfulize what could happen or try to guess what he is going to do next.I always imagined the worst and then I would be gripped with fear and a strong need to try to control.
He will work this out himself.He needs to work this out himself.He has a program,a sponsor,a brother,friends.I am not everything to him,nor do I want to be.I am on my own path,we are traveling our paths together but separate.Sometimes when he hits a bump I may feel a nudge but I adjust and continue on my path,I do not jump over to his path to try to prevent any more bumps.I work out my stuff too.He cannot do it for me.We both get slowly stronger on our own.This does not mean we do not care about eachother.I do care about him,I guess I always will.I know he cares about me even tho our relationship has evolved into friendship only.In some ways it is a better relationship than it ever was because now it is more real.I am there for him in my way and he is there for me in whatever way he can be.I accept his disease,I accept that he is who he is.I can't make him be someone else.He does what he can.It is up to me to decide what I can live with,what I will put up with.We are all making a life for ourselves and it is what we make it.Sometimes we make wrong choices because we do not know any better but when we know better we do better.

Now if I can just get this choice thing right when I have to decide between potato chips and salad.....

Dru