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Hi... I posted earlier that I got blasted from my folks for losing my wallet. I appreciated all your support!
Those of you who said that I shouldn't be giving my parents stuff to worry about-- you're right. I will try to stick to this and watch my speech around them. The way it goes is that anything that my Mom can worry about one iota will be jumped on. It's grist for the mill man!
So what happened after they jumped on me was that my Mom's anxiety eventually trickled down to my sister... my Mom phoned my sister up and started pressuing her to look for the wallet (which was somewhere at her house), as well as saying how terrible it was that I lost this. This turned into a big conversation between my sister and my Mom... wherein my Mom went on about how hard it is to live with my Dad (a nervous alky). Somewhere in that conversation my sister said that the situation of losing my wallet couldn't have been enjoyable for me, because the two of them jumped on me for it. A couple days later they went off to camp, possibly to leave me alone. My Dad (nervous alky) is getting more self-conscious about how he is being percieved. When I talked to them again they both apologized. First my Mom did and today, my Dad did.
When my Dad apologized (today, twice) I was tempted to linger in it but I said simply, "I forgive you". This was tough for me to say. I think this might be a chance for growth. The reason why it's tough is that I always figure that the person owes me better behaviour. I think it was a better choice to forgive him than to linger on it.
Of course the next time my Dad snaps on me (which he will, he's an alcoholic madman) what am I going to do? I guess this is where I'm gonna have to learn boundaries. This is where my sister and my Mom are concerned about me... they figure I haven't developed a backbone. I guess this is true, I just let people destroy me for some reason. Something about "turning the other cheek". In the wallet situation, my sister came to my aid in an accidental kind of way, but it's not like that happens in real life.
The theme of "being an adult" has come up a lot... I think it's hard to be an adult when you're locked in the childhood harms. Being there is a choice apparently but it's hard... but I do want out, believe you me. When my Dad snaps at me (or any angry person snap at me) I feel debilitated, like a child... it's so regular and the feelings are so strong that I've just come to resign myself to it. I guess that's why the Big Book of AA says "see them as sick people"... but honestly it's like I've been doing that my whole life (with my Dad, having to accept his alcoholism I mean, accept that I am stuck in the house and having to live with it). So I've really gristled against my sponsor telling me to "see them as sick people"-- this seems exactly the spot where we need to insert some power, some boundaries, some gusto! Not more head-hanging and being dare I say "crapped" on ... what would seem to have been the problem all along!
Anyway my visit is ongoing... probably gonna take another week off work. I can say that even with all of this, being here feels good for me somehow. I've got to connect with my neice and nephew, my sister and my Mom... with the exeption of being around my Dad, it's been good to be part of a system. Today I took out my guitar and the neice and nephew and myself were singing songs. The thought of going back West to a lonely depressing life seems pointless... though probably good I have a place to live there.
One thing that struck me was when you mentioned thinking of them as sick people. You seem to equate that as being a victum, but that really isnt what we mean when we say think of them as sick.
Seeing this sickness for what it is helps to give us perspective. It helped me to detach from my AH's behavior and the things he said that used to cut me like a knife. I could see it was the ramblings of a sick person.
That certainly does not mean that I cannot stand up for myself or remove myself from a toxic situation. When I realised how sick he was, I was able to stay separated and see my reality more clearly. It took away the illusion for me that I had the power to do anything to control his sickness. I was able to let go and let my HP work, on me and my AH.
I hope that makes sense.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Okay I think I understand... seeing them as sick means we develop some autonomy, choices to do stuff, leave the house, go to the store, that kind of thing.
I do equate "seeing them as sick" with being a victim (turning the other cheek; doing so though you don't like to). Growing up I had to see my Dad as sick... and also knowing that nothing could be done to change it. That as long as I was under the house I was enslaved to this sick fellow. I gave up thinking my Mom could leave him (she really could have used Alanon). Somehow it worked though because of my Mom's long-suffering. She believes that life has to be suffering so she found someone to prove it.
Today I thought that if it weren't for my Mom, there would be no family whatsoever. Certainly I wouldn't have been around. We have the semblence of a family thanks to my Mom. Now that I'm older my Mom doesn't need to stick around, but she is blocked in that she refuses to go for outside help (like Alanon). So her suffering is daily.
My Dad is suffering too but he gets away scot-free more or less. The addiction controls the house.
When I was growing up I was all well and good... I figured I didn't need any of them. I grew up the normal way, developing drinking friends, working and bingeing, typical blue-collar work life.
I would have been fine in that work life had I not gotten into trouble with the law. That's when I relied on my father for help and completely changed my way of life, turning into a high achiever. From then on it was like I had to do something to pay back my life. Prior to that I didn't figure I owed anybody anything.
I think I lost some things along the way... destroyed by subservience... unable to trust myself... something like that. It's like I've been destroyed by that way of life. My sister tells me that I'm developmentally stunted and, while I can't say what she means by that exactly, what I think she means by that (what I feel by that) is that I'm mentally 14 or 15 years old or so and I can't break free of it. I really want to break free of it but I don't know what I can do. I keep holding my father to blame for this somehow. If I could say the right thing, do the right thing, all will be cured. I suppose this is pinning my hopes for liberation on someone else... hey isn't there a motto in Alanon, "it all starts with me"?
