The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well after adding the EXABF's new "freind" to MY page, I got to feeling guily and decided to fess up to her. (of course Trish ya had to be on my shoulder didn't ya???) I basically told her that my ex was on her page also, and if that was an issue for her that I understood if she wanted to delete me-she didn't but did tell me that B and her have been talking. I told her that I didn't honestly have anything nice to say about B and that maybe her and I being friends wouldn't work out (she is a professional 40yr old single mom devoted to her girls like me to my son).
That led into a conversation where she asked me a question and we went back and forth with me telling her everything her and her daugthers would be in for. The sad part was two of the things I told her he would say-he already had, right up to his opening come on about "you seem like a really great mom, I respect that" (that was the same opening line he used on me) -so he hung himself in that aspect. I tried to be honest with her and base the information on fact only and leave my personal feelings out of it and think I did for the most part.
I didn't sleep at all last night after speaking with this woman and this morning there was an email from her that he had told her something else he had told me. I told her I was up most of the night because telling her those things brought to surface a lot of pain I have been trying to work through for 9 mnths. I told her that I have given her all the information I could so she could protect herself and her daughters, but that I could not for any reason have EXABF be a part of my life anymore, and that if she chose to date him that I didn't believe I could be a friend to her either as my health was now at risk from all of the insanity I dredged back up overnight.
She emailed me back and said she hadn't had dinner with him yet and that she was not planning on moving forward with him as there was to much drama already. She went on to say" You need to stop worrying about B. As long as you do and don't move forward, he is still involved in and controlling part of you and your son's life. He doesn't deserve that right. Delete and block him on myspace/email/etc and make it clear that you are moving on. Don't let him have anymore of your life. " I thanked her for her honesty and told her I hoped we could be friends, etc.
I dont know how he'll react when/if she ends things, but he knows her and I have had contact so I am sure he'll blame it all on me. I told her too, that the A in him will not walk away from her that easy, she did tell me that he would not hear about any of our conversations from her, so I hope she is honest about that.
I have never in all this time contacted anyone on his page,and there have been many added since we split, but for some reason this woman jumped out at me, and seeing her and her daughters and knowing the hurt my son (who is a pretty tough kid) went thru because of this man.... something made me contact her. And as many times as I have been told the same thing about what I was allowing him to do to me and control my life still, coming from her, a perfect stranger it was like a sucker punch.
Then about an hour ago I had a complete meltdown. Part of me felt like I did the right thing letting her know and wish someone would have told me sooner, and part of me felt extreme guilt because I enjoyed telling her what he was, and a part of me was overwelmed from dredging so many memories back up to the surface. Part of me is a little afraid of how he'll react if she tells him.
I sat and cried for about 30 mins, then got out my books and did steps 1-3 over and over and over again. I did the 3rd step prayer and I begged HP to help me get past this and stay close to me and hold me up. I begged for sanity over and over again. I begged to be rid of my will as at times I just can't fight it. I got up afterward and felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. I felt at peace and I felt a calmness surround me. I called one of my AlAnon friends and we chated forever about everything and nothing, then I cried some more, tears of relief I think.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, and right now I am taking things minute by minute and hour by hour, but I know as long as I keep HP close (and Trish on my shoulder:) there is nothing I can not make it through.
Thanks for letting me share. shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Well, I'd say count your lucky stars!!! Here's what happened when I "warned" my ex's next victim about him:
I went in with the text messages he had been sending me while living with her, with the 13 years of relationship history and a rape charge against him. Ex threw me out before I could tell poor victim any of it, injuring me physically and then locked the door. Poor victim then had her lawyer and mother send me a certified (oohhhhh I'm SO scared!!) letter telling me to never set foot into their silly little store again!!
I was angry, humiliated, frustrated and NOT heard.
I did get a no contact restraining order against my ex...which was a Godsend.
Just as an aside, poor victim (after about 18 months with ex) now also has a no contact restraining order against him. Guess she found out all on her own who is the crazy one.....now I wish she would find it in her cruel selfish silly little heart to give me back MY mother's engagement ring that ex stole from my house and gave to her....LOL!!! See my resentment showing!!!
As chance (or God) would have it, my ex's next victim called ME out of the blue one day to show me HER crazy. She wanted to do something "nice" to encourage ex to be a good person and thought I shoud bring MY kids to HER house and make handprints for him. She triggered me and I let her have an earful. Not just about ex either but how DARE she call me and ask me such a thing and TELL me I needed to respect her!!! Poor woman probably didn't see THAT coming!!! LOL!!! Don't MESS with my kids!!! Duh.
Anyway, with latest victim, apparently she is crazy and ex has convinced her to go to AA with him so she can maybe get her own kids back...
whatever.
I tell you this because I have been where you are. I have been crazy. And I have to have a sense of humor about it all. Seriously, the stress really gets to me and I have become sick about it all.
But how funny is it that some psyco calls me up only to find out that I am twice as psyco as she is!!! LOL!!!!
I tell you this all the time, but only because it is true...you are doing great!!!
Block his butt, when you are tempted to peek, go somewhere else. Get yourself on a dating site or a chatroom (can do wonders for distraction!) and go there.
I have had that slam from strangers also (what is your problem? just Let him Go) and it does hurt. Because I figure I must look like a super idiot. And ya know, I am not. I am a person who accidently got involved with a personality disordered, mentally ill crack addict. Whoops! Won't do THAt again!!
Thanks for sharing shelley. I don't think that you have to beg for anything from your HP. I think it is yours to have. You are in the program and you are worth it.
Thanks for sharing your experience, especially the part about how Al-Anon helped you to pull through such a rough time. Today I found something out that would have really rocked me to the core in the past, but instead of flipping out right away, I stopped...chanted the Serenity Prayer a few times...and then called a woman from my f2f Al-Anon group. This was the first time I used the phone list, and it was great. After a ten minute phone call, my serenity had truly been restored and I actually enjoyed the rest of my day. In the past, a thing like that would spurred reactions in me that would have ruined my whole day and probably most of my week. I am thankful that the program is always available to me to help me make better decisions and have a better life because of it.
. She triggered me and I let her have an earful. Not just about ex either but how DARE she call me and ask me such a thing and TELL me I needed to respect her!!! Poor woman probably didn't see THAT coming!!! LOL!!! Don't MESS with my kids!!! Duh.