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Hi everyone, I don't really ever post on the board but that doesn't mean I don't work my program, I am often in online meetings, f2f, and do my daily readings, but have a really hard time sharing sometimes. Well, right now I really need some support, as I just came back from a week long business trip to California, and discovered my A husband had relapsed for the 4th time since his 5 month long rehab earlier this year, and although he attends daily AA meetings and goes to outpatient treatment three times a week, he still doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. I got home at 2 in the morning, to dog poo and pee everywhere in the house, dogs hungry and crazy, his bottles scattered everywhere, dirty clothes, food, etc. everywhere - well you get the idea... total chaos. It finally hit me... I'm done with this lifestyle. I can't subject myself to this anymore, it's not how I envisioned my life to develop (as I'm sure nobody does!). We don't have children, thank God - but we do have a business together which we just launched. Luckily it's in the beginning phase, so it will be relatively easy for me to take over and continue on my own. Regardless, I feel so disappointed, hurt and stupid - because I believed all of his lies this entire time (and boy does he deliver them well!), and even though I know it's the disease and not really him, I've come to the conclusion that I can't live my life like this. I have weighed the pros against the cons, and the cons seem to outweigh them. I wanted a good marriage, waited until my mid 30s to "find that guy", and of course he has to be an A and completely unavailable... I also find that during our marriage it's been so hard to take care of myself when I'm in the middle of this mess, I gained weight, ignored my looks completely and was just focused on him. Which is why I came to Al-Anon, and I was just starting to get better at that when this happened, ALL OVER AGAIN. I have paid all the bills for the past year, he doesn't have a job or a driver's license because he got a DWI and he has no money or anything to go anywhere. Regardless, after he gets out of detox later this week I am not letting him back in the house, and it will be up to him and his HP what he does with his life. I can no longer help him, and although it breaks my heart, I know that continuing to enabling him and allowing him to use me to continue his habit, would be even a worse decision.
I'm sure some of you have been in a similar situation, would sure be great to get some ESH from you and anybody else who has some thoughts on this subject... Thanks so much for listening, I'm so grateful I have Al-Anon - without you I would have gone bonkers by now!!
WOW! I'm in my late 30's, i met my a 10 years ago. I don't have children either. This is never the way i envisioned my life either. Its hard, don't know what to do. Right now I am doing fine with ODAT. And really trying to take care of myself. I too have gained a tremendous amount of weight. But I am taking back my life. Slowly, but i am! I wish you much success and send many prayers. Sincerely, Tonya
Yes, I know that feeling of finally being done living like that. I came to this board and asked about trust and how do I know when to trust. I got a good reality check from the wonderful people here. So I did not file for divorce, but I did take solid steps to separate myself and protect myself financially and otherwise. I changed bank accounts and prepared to support myself.
My AH did finally get sober, but I was not waiting for him. I was getting on with my life either with or without him.
I am thankful now that our marriage has survived and is much more healthy than it ever was, but I was truely at the point of accepting its failure and moving on.
Every situation is different. That's just my experience.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks everyone for your support and replies, I really need any ESH I can get right now. Feeling very confused but also calm at the same time. I suppose one day at a time is the right slogan for me now, and see what happens. I've always felt like rushing into things, 'getting it done', but realizing this is a complicated situation that needs a lot of thought and some time to come to the right conclusion. I feel that this disease is only bringing misery to everyone, but I'm also happy to see there are some success stories out there!
