The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF has been sober for 3months and is doing well atending meetings has a sponsor so on. He is working now and paying me some money towards the bills. However I am finding I am becoming resentful. I earn more money than him and we have a nice standard of living. His money he contributes isnt even enoght for the food. The rest of his wages he helps support his kids hich I have no problems with I love his kids dearly. But he is blowing about 30 pounds a week on cannabis and treating himself to clothes etc. I am getting resentful and finding it hard to gain an understanding of how much he should put into our home. He drives my car , he payes his own insurances but no money for petrol or car tax etc that my responsibility. We have compurter internet I paye. We have a lovely rented home in a very desirable area I pay it all.
I feel very unappreciated. His son has been staying for a couple of weeks as it is the school holidays he offer no more money again I foot the bill. Yesterday I was uspet his son had hidden sweets ans cakes which his dad had bought him. Yet all the stuff I but goes into the cupboard for eveyone So to go on time of month again always slip off programme around this time.
I just feel that I look after us all and he looks out for him and his. I understand he needs new clothse and likes to traet his kids cause of what he has put the through. I just feel like I am still compremising my wants and needs still giving more than I am getting.
I am trying to fiight this with gratidue, he has stopped drinking he is not going missing anymore he is working he even does chores around the house now.
I will waite till my pmt has gone then re-evaluate see If its just my pmt or if I need to explain my resentments
any esh would be appreciated
thanks
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 08:49:18 AM
My first thought is what makes you feel he is sober? He is still using! He still is showing his addict behaviors, brain still altered and insane.
A drug is a drug to the body.
Remember we are responsible for ourselves. We speak up for ourselves, we keep our precious self from being used. We love ourselves enough not to put up with anyones shenanigans.
Doing the same thing, (using,) expection a different result is insanity.
An addict like this is not in recovery. More like denial. I am willing to say his sponsor probably has no idea he is using. Going to meetings is apparently not sinking in, and or he is not ready.
So if we put the focus on ourselves, we set up boundaries, and consequences.
I set up the rules. One can go to thrift shops for cloths until they can afford new ones. Food,Shelter, water are needs.
Have you considered having a meeting with him discussing what you need to feel better and consequences for breaking the boundaries?
I found I had to be very clear with my concerns with the A. Even write them down and have two or three copies .A meeting of the minds.
I think it is a very good idea that you wait til your monthly is past before taking action. I have to do that, too. During is not a good time for me. I am usually very emotional and have to just concentrate on taking a little better care of me and detach from all else for a week or so.
I also would never consider him sober while using drugs of any kind. Trading one for another is another trick of denial that the disease uses on them and us. You might look into NA liturature, or an open meeting, if you are curious.
However, my AH went to AA every week for over a year while still using and it did sink in. When he finally got sober he already knew what he needed to do and he has 2 yrs sober at the end of this month. I don't ever think going to meetings is a waste of time. His sponsor may or may not know. That's not your business.
Work your own program and decide if what you are getting is enough today. Tommorrow you can ask the same question of yourself. That is kind of what I did. I decided to stay married today, for many days, knowing I could make a different decision tommorrow if it was warranted. That way I could go on with living today and let it go, taking responsibility for my own decision to stay, and stepping out of the victim role.
Just my ESH, hope it helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Wow, I can very much identify with you. I make a lot more money than my AH/NH. I would pay all the bills and go without nice things, brown-bag my lunch, etc, while he did whatever he wanted with our joint account debit card. Just recently, I decided to separate our finances completely. He now has to pay for everything he has/does/uses, whether it's his car payment, cell phone bill, food, cigarettes, drugs, anything and everything he needs he is going to have to purchase himself. If he doesn't pay his car bill, I am not going to do it for him and he will just have to lose the car. It's made a big difference in our relationship already. I no longer resent him for mooching off of me so much. His choices are not going to affect me financially anymore.
I also agree with "a drug is a drug". My AH/NH stopped drinking about a year ago. But nothing changed. I recently found out that he is abusing prescription pain pills. So the substance changed, but all the behaviors stayed the same.
