The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Woke up today and made my mind up that I am done being crazy:)! I simply can not spend another day of my life allowing myself to get sucked into other people's insanity and chasing it around on my own when that doesn't happen.
Yesterday I went so far as to check EXABF's page again-my thought process was "you've already had a crappy week might as well just top it off-you couldn't feel any worse so it'll be ok". I KNEW better but HAD to nose, nd when I saw that he added a new friend, pretty single mom-I added her too, and she accepted!!!! On a good note none of the nausea, shaking hands etc overtook me-maybe I am numb to it now. And when I saw his picts I thought to myself I really don't know him anymore-he's not the man I knew and he doesn't even look the same in his picts now.
I can sit here now and laugh about it now, and I actually laughed when I did it, at how INSANE I have become over this. I thought to myself "it's official-you are crazy and it is no longer in a fun loving way-you need to get a grip" Here I am trying to "one up" a very sick person, and WOW that must makes me a REALLY sick person myself. Me the perfectionsist who ALWAYS keeps everyone else together??? A huge slap of reality hit me yesterday when I did that,I realized just how bad I need this program and how much I need to keep working it.
A speaker at our meeting last night spoke about being "comfortably uncomfortable" and what she said made perfect sense. She spoke about how sometimes we know the road we need to take is going to be harder, so we just stay where we are "comfortably uncomfortable" and not wanting to work at change, or fearing it, or both.
I took a lot at myself and HP knows I have the best of intentions, but I'm driving North to get to Florida and it's never going to happen that way. The only way to move forward is to let go, and that might mean being uncomfortable for awhile. I want serenity, I want peace and happiness but it's scarey for me. The majority of my life I have spent waiting for the other shoe to drop (and you can tell by my posts this week that is usually what happens). Usually when I have been happy that means LOOK OUT cause something BIG and probally BAD is about to slam ya. But I realize that mindset no longer serves to protect me as it once did, and it's ok to be happy and that I DESERVE it.
I actually think I may have come to a place this morning where I can forgive EXABF, and let that go some more-more than I have lately. He is what he is-HP made him and I know he is not perfect but I'm not either. A shocker for me too.....codie and all:)I can't make him be honest and kind and all the things I thought he was while he pretented to be them.
I've been tinkering around the house all morning, catching up on LOTS of unfinished chores and listening to music and I actually feel good, and peaceful.....I even shed a few tears but they were tears of joy and understanding for what HP is doing in my life and trusting that He has something way better planned for me than EXABF, and I will and can be totally happy with HP as the center of my life. Later today me and my YUM YUM lab are heading out to hike around the lake and enjoy some of HP's gifts up close and personal....
The journey is long and never ending, but if you keep coming back it does work:) Even for the crazys like me-lol
Just for today! Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Way to go, girl! So glad you're back on the upswing - I know it's been a tough week for you.
"Comfortably uncomfortable" - what a great description of where we can find ourselves. I know this feeling well. For me, the discomfort finally outweighed my fear and nudged me further down the path toward making a better life for me and my son. Am I scared? ABSOLUTELY! But right now, at this moment, it's not holding me back.
Shelly, Glad to hear your feeling better today. Good for you for choosing the positive over the negative. I can relate to being comfortablely uncomfortable too. I am going through a divorce, but know it is the right thing for me to do, but it makes me "comfortablely uncomfortable". I have to take One Day at a Time and review each days activities and see if I need to make amends somewhere (step 10), because I have been a bi%ch to live with recently, as my 12 year old daughter and 86 year old mother can attest to! I will strive for Progress not perfection in my life today and know that it will get better One Day at a Time.
Yours in Recovery, Overome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
shelley123 I hear such strenght in your post sometimes we dont know what is best for ouselves and we can follow our will even when the thing we are trying to obtain may be bad for our well being.
You have let go off ABF and I can see you are starting to focus on your recovery. Good luck on your way up, you are not alone Hugs
