The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As challenging as it was to try to re-integrate with my husband after exiting rehab last week was - it was a walk in the park compared to dealing with the fact that he had an affair with a suicidal alcoholic while there. I found out Monday night and confronted him - I informed her husband and she confirmed it to him. My husband left Monday night even though I told him we could work it out. He spent that night and all the next day drinking (so much for going away 3 weeks to get sober). Trying to suck me into the drama all day - alternating calling me sobbing saying he missed me and then him saying over and over again "I don't know what to do". I just kept saying that if he truly wanted to work on the marriage, then come home. Finally came home late Tuesday night really drunk. He had been in contact with her a lot of the day - her marriage is over now - her husband wants out.
I want to work on my marriage and salvage it - but only in a healthy way. I get all kinds of advice from "throw him out" to "it's all part of the disease - she was what we call 'a drink on 2 legs'"
He says he wants to salvage our marriage. I truly believe he loves me but the trust is truly shot. I have been doing a lot of Al Anon work. Going to meetings as I can (not many where I live here), calling Al Anon friends for support.
I set the boundary that 1) he needs to have no contact with her anymore - last known contact was Wednesday morning when she called to tell him it was over - I've checked cell phone records, which I admit is more insanity on my part - but in this technological age, there are certainly other ways to keep me from finding out. 2) he needs to commit to AA (which he told his rehab counselor in front of me he was willing to do) 3)get a sponsor 4) go to joint counseling with me.
He says he'll do anything to fix our marriage and that he's sorry. I was REALLY strong until last night - working my program. Then I start wondering/worrying - is he really going to meetings, is he really not in touch with her, is he just playing a game with me.....How do I know if he's holding up his end of the bargain?
So last night I started out telling him he needed to move out because I couldn't live with my own insanity and worrying. We ended up talking and I let him stay. He actually sat there and listened to me for an hour describe the incredible pain I'm in and how I can't get the images out of my head of them together (I was graphic). I haven't even really been able to cry - I guess I did a little, but no tears. I mourn our marriage, our connection, our intimacy.
Then I blew it.......I reached for him.......I initiated us making love. Part of it was need to feel close, part of it was to try and clear the slate......I don't know what else. It was only after that I was able to really cry for the first time since I found out - I was sobbing uncontrollably in his arms........all real tears.....catharsis of some sort.
Now I feel back to square 1. I'm anxious today. I feel as if I've lost my "edge" of being in control and unemotional and setting boundaries. I fear he's thinking "hey, I've got it made now, she's let me back in".
There's an old saying about being up to your ass in alligators, when your objective is to drain the swamp. The gators don't want the swamp drained, and they will take every opportunity to occupy you and distract you from your goal.
This is where sharing is so vital to gaining some sanity. Those of us on the sidelines (or hovering overhead in a helicopter) can see what's going on. If you can step back from the situation and get a different perspective on it all, I'm confident you will be able to see more clearly and make your own decisions. This is difficult if not impossible to do when you're drowning and the alligators are chomping at your body parts.
I am sorry for your pain. I won't tell you what to do, but I can share with you what I learned in the same situation.
The A has to get sober for himself. You didn't create it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't cure it. I came to realize that rehab-girl was another addiction and started to think of her as another drug. I couldn't control his relationship with her. All I could do was set boundaries and stick with them. I know it is easier said than done, but if you take it one day at a time (sometimes one hour or minute at a time, you can do it).
My AH was white-knuckling it the first 6 months or so after rehab and I believe the only way he made it that long was because he had rehab-girl to focus on. As much as it hurt, I had to let it all go because what I came to accept was that if he wasn't sober for himself, then I couldn't be with him because he would eventually relapse. So, I suppose what I did was just let it play itself out, reminded myself that I didn't have anything to do with me, and try to start taking care of myself. After rehab-girl relapsed a few times and tried to kill herself (I think), someone at the rehab center asked my AH if he had a sponsor and gave him a name and number to call. That was the start of the end of rehab-girl. I have come to believe that as much as the fact of her "killed" me inside, she played a role in getting my AH to commit himself to sobriety. It has taken 4 years, but I have come to be grateful for that.
Be gentle with yourself about the intimacy. It is normal, I believe, and another board calls it "hysterical bonding." The board has been very informative for me and they have a section for those who love alcoholics. It is "Surviving Infidelity."
Hang in there--it can and it will get better if you keep working the Program. The hardest thing for us to do is to let the A live with the consequences of his/her actions. Do not try to save him from the reality of what he has done. He doesn't want to feel the bad feelings and is drinking, etc. in an attempt to avoid those feelings. If you help him do that, you are simply making it easier for him to stay in the disease. And, you are hurting yourself--don't let yourself be manipulated and used as a quick fix. He has to get better whether he has you or not or else, it won't stick. I believe that with all my heart.
Hang in there and keep coming back.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I hear your pain & anguish, and remember those feelings all too well.... My tongue-in-cheek response to your feeling that you have "lost your edge of control" is that you really aren't in control - before or after the lovemaking..... I've done that exact same thing, and try not to beat yourself up too much about it.... you are human, and you have feelings....
Your boundaries sound good, with the possible exception of #4 - I don't know that there is any point of couples counselling while he is still active - he needs to grab onto sobriety, at least for several months, before you guys can work on the couples aspect, in my humble opinion.... The other ones are bang-on - if he's serious about keeping the marriage intact AND about his sobriety, he should have no issue with those three boundaries....
When you are in crisis mode like this, it's when our program is at our best, and you can depend on your recovery.... rather than projecting all the what ifs, whens, and whys - time to get things back into manageable chunks for you - one day (or hour, or minute) at a time..... you don't need the answer to all your concerns right now.... they will come in time.... you don't need to know if you can ever forgive your A right now.... you will know that when you need to know that.....
Take care, and dive back into your recovery...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sorry that you are in such pain. This ugly disease brings with it daily pain until genuine recovery is started. Without recovery it reduces life to a pile of ashes.
Making your own recovery your priority will set you on a firm road for a healthy future.
Your A is in good hands if he is attending AA meetings and has a sponsor. He knows what he must do to turn his life around.
The woman my ex was having an affair with actually took him to rehab. Then sent him naked pictures of herself while he was in there. All the while he was calling me and telling me how he wanted to be with me...etc...blah blah blah. Then, while he was IN rehab, he had an affair with this chick who was SO spaced out I couldn't believe she even had the presence of mind to have sex or any kind of emotional affair....but she did.
She even signed his Big Book with some "I will love you forever, you will always be my man" or some weirdo crap.
Believe me, I FLIPPED OUT when I read that nonsense.
Oh the whole time period was so screwed up....me trying to hang on, him trying to deflect his issues. He didn't want to drink/use so he truned to sex with other women to fulfill his deep hole in his soul.
Just keep coming back. Keep turning the focus onto yourself (especially when it is too insane and painful to look at him) and keep praying. You can get thru this.
Aloha Maine Girl...Its good that you see it for what it is...insanity. That was the strongest feelings I also felt when I was in your shoes. I was totally insane and thinking about what I was doing to try to "fix" the problem was sick making. I was doing all the "needy" stuff for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time, with the wrong person, in the wrong place. I believe that what I was trying to do was find some "satisfaction and piece of mind" for myself and yet it came out as you have arrived at "the same feelings of distrust, fear, anger and more." I later found out that the person and people I should have run to before I did what I did (my reactions) were my sponsor and the people in the program. The total opposite of the alcoholic. Today I know that an alcoholic without personal and program integrity (anyone for that matter) will be easy prey for nerve ending behavior. LOL That is one of my counseling terminologies...The alcoholic use to say "love" and I use to respond that the feeling wasn't coming from the heart but from way below it. Alcoholism is a "nerve ending condition". That's what alcohol does. It breaks down barriers mind, body, spirit and emotions and whats left are a lot of broken people and pieces.
You are working at fixing Maine Girl...Awesome!! stay with that and don't look back to see what or where the alcoholic is at. Hook up with a Power greater than your alcoholic husband and this disease and hang on tight to that and this spiritual program of recovery. If your alcoholic husband want his sobriety he will eventually want it more than anything else himself. I know such men and women and their families and lives are much much better off than they use to be.
I have another suggestion and it is regarding the physical part of the disease. Drunks having sex don't use health checklist before getting into action. I would consider at least that a test for the presence of STDs be done. Just a suggestion.
Stay in the program and with your sponsor and with MIP while you go insane. That way the trip will be shorter. Hang with us and keep coming back.
I just wanted to tell you "thank you" for sharing with us.
I can sympathize with the Peanut Gallery and the barrage of advice, too. When I found out about my AH's infidelity, I got in contact with many friends and at one point in time, I actually started to just give control completely over to them... I know they meant well, but after a while of just doing what they told me to do, I started to feel like a puppet and I was losing my own life.
SCREECH! went the breaks and I then joined Al-Anon. And it's all been a blessed journey from there... and the nicest thing about it all, is that I get to decide what I want to do with my life... I don't have to "care" what other people think about my decisions... I just do what feels right for me and seek out my Higher Power for guidance when I need it.
Glad to have you here. Thank you again for your openness.
My EXAH had multiple affairs during the 5 years we were together. What I didn't realize at the time was how much that affected my already non-existent self-esteem long after I left him.
I continued to seek validation through dysfunctional relationships/sex for 13 long years before I finally hit my codependent bottom.
I am so grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. The validation I need the most is from myself.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
The difficulty / insanity now is that I don't know if he's following through on the boundaries I set. I'm fairly confident he hasn't contacted rehab girl because I'm in touch with her husband and we're both keeping our eyes and ears out. He's been to a couple AA meetings, but really only under duress. As for a sponsor, he hasn't done that yet either. An Al Anon support person, who has been a God-send this past week, and who has been sober for 17years offered to go to a meeting with my AH to introduce him to people and help find even a temporary sponsor. She also gave me a phone number of a man who is also willing to take him under his wing and help make connections. My AH hasn't called either one of these people. When he was experiencing some of his own insanity yesterday and wanted my help, I simply kept telling him to go to an AA meeting or call someone - he just got pissed off at me.
My insanity is creeping back in and I feel like he's playing games with me. We are supposed to have a couples counseling session Tuesday - I can't wait - even to have a 3rd party there to help weed through the BS.
I had some of my co-dependent insanity tonight. He took too many trips to the basement and the camper - both places he's hidden booze in the past. I flipped out on him. Of course he denied it and I looked like (and was) the crazy one. So I called my Al Anon friend who helped me through it - telling me I DO have a right to be suspicious, but don't have to be insane about it because regardless of whether he is or isn't drinkikng, I can't control anything but my thoughts. She reminded me of steps 1 and 2.
I felt better, but as the night wore on his demeanor changed - I really believe he was drinking. He started laying into ME about the house not being neat enough and it was my fault that it's been like that all week, etc. I couldn't just walk away from that one - I had to remind him how I'd been dealing with all the BS he's forced me to deal with the past week and how I kept this place running (and clean) for the 3 weeks he was in rehab. I know he was trying to get to me - get me angry to take the focus off him.
I want to have hope for us and the future...........it's getting harder and harder to believe...
