The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in a dysfunctional relationship with my Mom and Dad. I'm a 30 year old guy who is having trouble setting boundaries and having a normal relationship with them. I am currently on a "vacation" staying in my hometown for the next few days.
My parents are older (mid 60s) and they worry about me a lot. My sister says they haven't had to look at their own problems and instead have focused on me. They had me late in life so I kept the party going for 'em, I guess. My Dad is an alcoholic and drinks daily. My Mom is a worrier and she thinks daily. I am in a very sick and toxic relationship and I don't know what to do.
I'm a member of AA and the people there say, "you have a part". Well I resent that somewhat as I can't see my part in this; I feel pretty much like a hapless victim. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I am a victim. I have been victimized by my parents my whole life. Maybe I am continuing to play the victim... but why I don't know. I just want to be free of that and be an adult finally.
Now I am on this "vacation" and the farce of the normal family continues. It is a farce which I tried my best to uphold... being a high achiever in my 20s. It helped when I was in my active addiction (alcohol). It made it easier to get along with my Dad (also alcoholic). I felt better to keep the ball rolling. Now I have become a low achiever and the bottom has fallen out of my confidence. I'm pretty much a "loser". Staying here I can't spend much time with my Mom and Dad... I go to my sister's as it alleviates the anxiety.
I am at war with my family. I came home expecting battle and it's like I'm getting my ass kicked. I thought I could use this to learn about myself, even set myself free, but it seems beyond me... the way isn't clear.
A couple days ago I lost my wallet. I made the mistake of telling my parents about it. They have not gotten off my case about it. It has caused an insane and disproportionate reaction. Yes, I am that special... my actions are that important.
I came home holier than thou, having years of therapy (useless) and tons of AA meetings (helped me get through the days but not helping now!). I figured my sponsor's bonehead mantra of "prayer and action" could see me though. Not really helping... I came in like a saint but I have gotten my butt kicked all over the place.
I was trying to have an adult-to-adult conversation. I told my parents I lost my wallet. What happened? They picked it up and ran with it. My father scolded me. He catastrophized that it was the worst thing in the world. He labelled me a good-for-nothing. He overgeneralized that I always do that. He criticized me saying I need to get my act together. He came down hard. I told him that I was fully capable of handling it as it happened before. He criticized me more so that I had had the experience before, and went out the door!
Then my mother gets in trying to fix it... where did I leave it? Should I call the credit card company? Her worry was endless. Having to answer to her about it... me trying to be polite to her, not hurt her feelings... to placate her.
Then my Dad comes later on about the wallet, trying this time to be less agressive. I tell him simply I don't want to talk about the wallet. Minutes later I bumble up using his lawnmower and he yells at me. I resolve to go to an Alanon meeting.
Then continually, pressure from Mom... did you call the credit card company? Where did you leave it? Did somebody steal it? I wake up this morning to her phone call. She tells me to call them later and let them know what happened with the wallet. I am resentful but I agree... trying to be the good son. I leave the message but feel like I have compromised myself. And now am I giving them a foothold for further damage?
The alcoholic (father) has no respect of boundaries. And either does mother. I am in an insane, insane environment.
What is my part here? Wanting to keep the farce of the happy family going... depending on them... wanting to make a happy amends... I don't know.
Who knows if anything can be done with these people... they are sick... I am sick... I need help. They are at their trailer now and I'm at the house. I have some breathing room.
I feel for your position. Going back into a dysfunctional setting with parents, and we as adults, can be one of the hardest things that we do. It sets up our inner child to feel like we're back in that place of "childhood" and having to respond to our parents as we did as children. But we are not children anymore, and we can set boundaries for ourselves, as I think you have started to do. I think telling your parents (especially your dad) that you would not have the conversation with him about the wallet anymore is a big step, a powerful boundary to set for yourself.
Also, having the knowledge to give yourself "breathing room" and going to your sister's who sounds like a healthier individual (does she have al-anon?) was a good choice also. Follow the advice of your sponsor and take it to your HP in prayer and take yourself to some more meetings and you will get through this "vacation" One Day at a Time.
Good luck to you and best wishes...
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I see your position very clearly. I am ACoA and grew up in a very disfunctional home. It remains one even though I left many years ago. If I may share my es&h.
I was unable to identify or change any of the behaviour between my family members and me for many years, I always felt guilty and kept on staying around because they were my parents and your supposed to love and be loved by them right. I'd go and visit, it would be awful and go away feel guilty go back it was awful.....you see the pattern. It got violent ( I was assaulted by my sister, in full view of my 5 other siblings and parents) Not one of them helped me. So after that I removed myself, stayed away for 5 years. During this time I focused on me, learnt to understand myself, grew up a bit if you like. Eventualy I became stronger and healthier, I saw that all my brothers and sisters were just as damaged by our childhood as I was. I also saw how sick my parents were. I realised that they probably would never or could never change. I was able in part to forgive them. I slowly made contact and started to communicate with them. I set boundaries such as never being with all of them at one time at family stuff where alcohol was involved. I refused to be drawn into thier unhealthy ways such as disrespecting each other. Now when I visit if I feel uncomfortable I leave. I dont feel guilty I know its not my fault. I treat my parents with respect and refuse to be drawn into thier stuff. It feels healthier. I think I've reached a point of forgivness with them after all they are victims also.Yes I'm still very sad that I havent had loving parents but I'm not a child anymore, and I dont have to suffer. Acceptance and forgivness has helped me reach a better place.
Cash I understand , you yourself have alot of insight. Keep the focus on you and Keep coming back.
I think it's great that you went to a meeting during your visit. I don't make time to do that when I visit my family. I relate to the insanity that you feel.
It appears to me, you're feeling tremendous regret for telling them about the wallet. From where I sit, it looks like you repeated the mistake by trying to involve them yet again, by attempting an adult-to-adult conversation. To me, it looks like that would be your part - because you ARE involving them, yet it's not producing the results you want. A definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. By including them, it doesn't look like there are boundaries. But, only YOU know the truth of your part. Take what you like...
With my mother, I tell her everything, only to have her offer up some unsolicited advice, or draw a conclusion which makes me so frustrated and angry. Well, I have to remember, Mother is not in the program. Mother doesn't know how to stay on her side of the street, and I cannot have any expectations that she eventually will. But I do. I continue to go the hardware store for bread. When will I learn? I guess when I'm ready. Part of me wants what I want... a mother who will just listen, not judge, and love me unconditionally...
Ultimately, I am hurting myself with this thinking, I am resisting reality. Seeing my part, and changing my behavior doesn't make me holier than thou. HP wants us to take care of ourselves, our primary responsibility.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 31st of July 2009 09:47:35 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Overcome -- My sister had Alanon and ACOA but she's been out of it for a while. She's done a lot of work on herself over the years. I thought it was good too about setting the boundary with my Dad! He somewhat respected it but "got at me" so to speak through my Mom... that's the beauty of alcoholic livin', nothing is direct, everybody picks up the slack for everybody else. I guess I can keep trying.
Haha... yeah "vacation"... not much of a vacation eh! But yes, with some help I can get through one day at a time!
CArol-- thanks for your ESH!
Glad Lee-- Yeah maybe I was wrong thinking I could have an adult-to-adult conversation... meaning they would just listen to the fact that I left my wallet and leave it at that. I didn't realize that telling them about the wallet would be fodder for the mill.
That is what is ultimately most troubling... That I cannot be open and honest, that I never have been able to be open and honest about my life! I suppose that's the "ideal family" that I've wanted for myself... people I can be open and honest with (living in Japan as a teacher in the countryside, with people knowing little about me, I made somewhat of a fantasy life and pretended openness and honesty... pretending my life was A-OK... pretending at last to be normal! It couldn't last though).
For instance I can't say anything that they will worry about... can't talk about my health... can't talk about my problems at work... my problems with self-esteem and finding work... my problems asserting myself... there is quite literally nothing to be happy about in my family! It is as if I came in the world to be a "perfect child".
Then there are things they can't understand... Like recovery for instance... I can't talk about that, meanwhile it's been my life for the last 1 and a half or so. I'd like to say to them, "well here's a good reason why I haven't been achieving the last little while... recovery from alcoholism, hello!"... but I can't say that. So then I'm open to the guilt of being a good-for-nothing. Yes I know it's up to me to affirm that my life has value, but it's hard when I look and see what little I've earned and how little I've accomplished!
Then there's the divisions... can talk to Mom in one way but have to talk to Dad in another way.
There is no "openness and honesty"... that's what I keep projecting on them hoping it will one day work.
Well they're coming home today so we will see how that goes.
Sometimes it helps me to turn some of my statements around for examination. Is it true, that you are angry or frustrated with your parents for expecting you to be the perfect child for them?
And could it also be true, that you are angry or frustrated with yourself, for trying to be the perfect child for the them?
These turnaround statements help me to see my part, to challenge my long-held beliefs, and change the things I can.
Just a reminder Cash, we also have a family of choice. That's where I get to be open and honest. (thank you HP!) I can wish and wish until the cows come home, for everyone else in my life to be what I want them to be... doesn't make it reality. I am powerless.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Cash, I will tell you what I told my son when he was blaming me for everything that was wrong in his life.
"You can blame me for the way you turned out but you have to blame yourself for staying that way."
In other words if you don't like the way things are at the present time get up and do something about it. I feel quite certain that you remember the slogan in AA that goes "Nothing changes until something changes". So go out and take care of yourself you might be suprised at how much good it just might do your parents.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thanks for this post. It helped me today as I feel like I am at the end of my rope. Great info to take on my journey. I am not alone.
What I got from all the posts was...I am frustrated with the parents i do not have. I can't change mine...so I have to change and accept them for who they are. In my father's case...he was a child of a brutal alcoholic...defensive/mean....I may have to let it go. In my mom's case...the worrying...fixing...organizing...controlling...I may have to choose to limit that contact.
Ugh...but I so wanted the doting daddy and nurturing mommy. Guess I just have to be those things to myself.
