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Hi all... my name is Cash, I'm looking for Alanon online support. I went to my first Alanon meeting yesterday, and I quite enjoyed the sharing.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, 2 and a half years sober, currently at home on a visit with alcoholic father and non-alcoholic mother. I figured this visit would be tough for my sobriety's sake but it's been more tough emotionally... on a lot of levels, awkward. After spending some time here and with some advice from AA friends (online and other) I got myself to an Alanon meeting.
I feel I've been so rude to my father, holier than thou almost because of my sobriety. I wish to stop this behaviour. I've been like that since sobering up... kind of the pink cloud I guess. The same is true for my mother... holier than thou in that I expect her to leave my father or something like that, and look down at her somewhat for her incessant worrying (God knows, I myself haven't found the cure for anxiety!). I have a lot of guilt for my behaviour because they are getting older for one, they have tried their best and done a lot for me, in their way. I just act totally pompous like I have all the answers figured out... having "spritual pride" as I've heard it said.
I've had some pretty serious issues with my Dad... generally I am a needy person (AAs inventory has brought that out) and I guess I have depended on him way too much. Certainly I've been way too frank with him about stuff. Maybe I've exhausted him the last little while.
AA is recommending amends to him, and I may do that, I think I'm close to doing that... I know he has certainly harmed me (I have the anxiety to prove it) but still I may be able to forgive him for that because I'd probably have treated my own kids the same or worse, had I been in his position. As an alcoholic we both seem to have the same illness... I'm just one who want to get better and improve my situation.
On the other hand I really need help in doing this amends, if I choose to, and also conducting myself in life generally. My life is pretty depressing, I've been unable to get out of neutral, I just float around, really feel like a child unable to be an adult. I think I'm pretty unrealistic and spaced out for most. I think I "fused" with my Dad in my late teens because I went to him for help... since then I've done things to seek his approval but always felt empty on the inside. I cause my parents a lot of worry, and feel guilty for that. I actually want to be my own person now, but I need help.
I have so many problems managing and I need supportive others who can understand. I have found support in AA for facing fears somewhat, and of course for not picking up the drink, but a lot of my time in AA has missed these fundamental issues. I in fact feel I've wasted time in AA, but oh well, I suppose that we get into things as we're ready.
Anyway I'm hoping to catch some more meetings and connect with some of you on here! Suggestions and advice are welcome.
Hello and welcome , one way to make amends for me was to simply change the way i treated my parents ,stopped the holier than thou attitude and accepted them just as they were . When I treat them and others with respect i feel better about me , period. Later I was able to make a formal amends to both my parents , but all I could do in the beginning was change my attitude . Congratulations on your sobriety and any time in AA meetings is not wasted . Treat them with the respect they deserve to start keep it simple , do the exact opposite to what u have always done and it has to create change . If you would normally argue - don't . etc . good luck keep taking care of you and when the time is right u will be able to make a thorough and complete amends .
When I did my first formal 4th step I learned so much about how the relationship with my parents, my father in particular, had effected the way I am.
I really got to shine the light on how I acted every time I was around him, even when I would just speak to him on the phone.
I had so much deep seated anger and resentment towards him. My whole demeanor would change the instant we had contact. And change for the worse trust me. I learned that I would start feeling and reacting like I did when I was a teenager living with him. And to be sure, a lot of that has to do with the way he talked to and treated me.
Al-anon has changed me and as a result my relationship with my father has changed. Some of the things that helped was my understanding that my father is a product of how he was raised. He is what he was taught. I also began to understand that he does love me but is unable to show it much. He has always done the best he knew how to do.
He is a brilliant man who has always been very hard on me to be brilliant like him. When we work together he constantly tries to correct what I am doing, to do it the way he would do it.
When I was in my rebellious teenager mode with him, this would cause me to feel so very inadequate...stupid...incompetent. I wanted his approval. I wanted him to say I was doing a good job. Instead I got what I perceived to be criticism and judgment.
Now I see things differently. My dad is who he is. I accept him for who he is. I take what I like and leave the rest when I am with him now. When I can detach from my own leftover childhood feelings and be with him as an equal, as an adult, things go very smoothly. I even enjoy being with him now. I learned that he just wants the best for me. What I saw as criticism was in fact just him trying to teach me how to do something better, as he sees it. When I don't get my hackles up now, I can listen, evaluate what he is saying then make my own decision.
Making amends to your parents is necessary for your own recovery. It is not for them, it is for you. What abbyal said about the living amends....changing the way you are, the way you treat them is truly how the healing of the relationship began for me with my dad. And it is the way it continues to do so.
Glad you are here, and keep going to those meetings....AA and Al-Anon.
I have heard, that our ability to be present, is significantly challenged when we're with our family of origin, because we have so much history with them.
I've also heard, that if we keep HP close, we can be close to the A's (or any other trigger) in our life. What works for me, is practicing meditation (step 11) twice a day, morning and night. To me, this is the art of detachment - staying close to HP. It creates a strong shield around my inner peace.
If I DON'T do it, the day just doesn't go as well. If I don't do it for a few days, my anxiety symptoms (fears) begin to re-appear. Glad you are here.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks all, I'm happy for your posts! I really do need the support because I'm feeling like I'm getting my butt kicked all over the place by my family.
I misplaced my wallet. I think it's at my sister's, but I really am getting my butt kicked over this matter. I made the mistake of telling my parents that I've misplaced it.
Now it's become the family's object of worry. My mother has become worse it seems, it's like it's hard to tell where she is individually and where she's just a worry machine. And my father too, seems to be worrying and focusing severely on this misplacing my wallet.
At first I was trying to just step away from the anxiety in the family... use my usual "it will be found" approach. But I'm not strong enough to do that. I tried to do that, to set a boundary or whatever, but the daily questions from them, and the guilt I feel, has broken me down. So now I'm going to the bank to get a new bank card... and will phone them (they're at their trailer) and leave a message to let them know that I've taken some action on this.
My old approach was to try to be beyond the anxiety of the family... holier than thou if you will. But it just can't work. The approach has broken down. All the meditation and whatever I can do can't keep me "spiritually fit" or what have you.
I will try to get to a meeting tonight, either AA or Alanon. My stress level is pretty high. I have the place to myself so that's better... I tried meditating, I yelled a bit, did my usual Big Book reading. I'm really stressed out.
