The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am relatively new to Al-Anon and MIP. I have been to five f2f meetings and a handful of online MIP meetings. I have also read a lot of the posts here on the message boards and find them extremely helpful. So although I am a bit shy about sharing for the first time, I want to give back by beginning to share and communicate more within this group.
Although I myself am relatively new to Al-Anon, its concepts and slogans are familiar to me because my mother joined Al-Anon when I was about 11 years old. So I have been exposed to a lot of Al-Anon people and information over the years, but being the young ACOA that I was/am, I thought that I personally didn't need any of that.
My father drank himself to death when he was 50 years old (after about 10 years of sobriety). I was 23 then. I still didn't think I needed Al-Anon.
Then I married an alcoholic. Somehow, even with all my program exposure, I was still completely in denial that my husband was really an A. It wasn't until things got really bad that I accepted it, and then promptly decided to control it. I gave him an ultimatum that the marriage was over if he didn't sober up, and although he slipped many times, he eventually did sober up over the course of about 6 months. At one point I was demanding that he go to AA meetings, until I found out that when he said he was at a meeting, he was really at a friend's house playing video games. But at least he wasn't drinking, so I thought we were going to make it.
I did enter counseling during the worst of times, which was almost 2 years ago, and have been going consistently ever since. Try as she did to get me to realize I'm a codependent and needed to let go of controlling him, I didn't get the message. I thought I got the message, but I think what I did was get more subtle and covert with my controlling efforts. I was in denial that I was controlling the situation and remained that way until I found out recently that although he is no longer drinking, he is now abusing prescription pain meds.
It was at that point that I threw up my hands and finally admitted that I need Al-Anon. Although my counselor is great and valuable to me in many ways, one f2f Al-Anon meeting was able to get through my head in an hour what she had been trying to get through my head for almost two years. I was still trying to control the situation and still enabling him to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted without being held accountable for any of it.
So thanks to the program, I have begun to detach. At first it was little things, like not giving him money and not buying him all the expensive soda and snacks that he likes to always have in the house. He was then forced to use his cash from his side job to purchase his own cigarettes, coffee, expensive lunches, expensive snacks, and of course his black market prescriptions. I then backed off emotionally and kept conversations to neutral things like the weather, instead of constantly probing him about what he was doing when and with whom. He actually did not like this change and said I was ignoring him and making things worse. He got so frustrated with it one night that he left and stayed at a vacant family-owned house nearby for the night.
He came home the next night and I asked him if he'd be staying or sleeping at that other house again. He said he had called for a counseling appointment and someone was going to be calling him back. He planned on staying home and was acting as if everything was perfect now because he made a phone call. I told him that nothing had really changed and perhaps we could both use the breather again if he slept at the other house again. He was shocked. He really thought everything was fixed because of the phone call. I reiterated that nothing had really changed and that it's not good for me to engage with him when he's active. He left and stayed at the other house again. He contacted me once about an insurance email with regard to his counseling appt, but after that I haven't heard from him since. That was Monday night.
The environment here feels like a million pounds of tension has been lifted from the air. It's so serene and in one way I love it. In another way, I am beginning to miss him and feel very lonely. I am constantly battling the urge to call him. I still don't know when/if he'll be coming home, and honestly I think that I do want to separate for real anyway. The lies and hurtful things that he's done have just built up to be more than I think I could ever get over (he did a ton of lying and a lot of "cyber" and "phone chat" cheating...don't think he ever cheated physically but who knows....it all hurts). Plus, having been affected by my father's deadly relapse after ten years of sobriety, I know that I would always be waiting "for the other shoe to drop" even if my AH did enter recovery.
I just wasn't ready to let go of him yet....although I don't know if I ever would have been "ready". I just feel weak right now. Yet also so thankful for Al-Anon and MIP. Without that, I would be an absolute wreck right now. Instead, I am not a wreck, just a sad/weak soul who knows she's doing what's best for herself and her child (I have a daughter from a prev. relationship....not his child)....but still very sad nonetheless. This was my high school sweetheart that I reconnected with several years after graduating high school. It was a very fairy-tale story and wedding (in the beginning) and I don't want to let go of my fairy tale, even though it has turned into a nightmare.
Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to participating more in this group.
Hello and welcome , if you can wait for 6 months before making a life altering decission ( like leaving the marriage ) after a few months in this progrm u will find your perspective changing and u will begin to understand this disease and it's affect on you and how u live your life . i am sorry about the loss of your father this damn disease just lies in wait for a weak moment and wham !!!! I hope your husb finds his miracle , while u continue to search for yours . I love your honesty in sharring in this post , feels good doesn't it ??? your going to be just fine keep the focus on you , you are after all the only person u can change. letting go does not mean to sever it simply means that your giving him back his life to do with as he chooses while u get yours back . Al-Anon and counceling work great together . good luck Louise
welcome. thank you for your share. i've been in al anon for 2 months and i can relate to a lot of it. i'm at the point you are: taking the first steps in a separation. it's liberating to go home and breathe and know i can be myself the entire time i'm there, not worrying that he's going to come home and ruin it all with a comment or by saying nothing or by whatever.
one day at a time. that's all we can live. maybe even 1 hour at a time.
Stirling 7 I can relate so much to your share regarding getting more from one Al non meeting than years of counselling. I have read lots of self help books, had therapy etc etc. I have now been in Al non for 18 months I attend 2 meetings a week sometimes more. I read my literature every day, I have a sponsor and lots of al non friends. You are not alone there are lots of people who understand your pain and frustrations. You know that sobriety does not solve all the problems my partner has been sober for 3 months and is doing really well, but this disease is for life. I attend my meetings for me I never make rash desicions because I am aware I am just as sick as the drinker. I now concentrate on my recovery and take care of me
hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest
Glad you are here. I've found that therapy sometimes takes a long time to take effect too. I do know it helped me immensely.
I missed the ex A for a long long time. Then I started to grieve and I worked really hard on detaching. No relationship breaks up quickly with no after effects. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and I hope you will participate for a long long time here.
Thank you everyone for your ESH. It is very much appreciated.
It has really been a rough day. I contacted him about a bill that I wanted him to put in my name, and he freaked out assuming that meant the end for us. I tried to assure him that I had financial and other reasons for wanting this change made to the bill and that absolutely nothing else has been decided yet, but he still flipped out, threatening suicide and everything. We ended up having a good conversation at the end of it all, and he says he wants to go into detox or outpatient or something. That was new...he's never mentioned that before, so it threw me for a loop. I found myself getting drawn into the possibility of hope, even though the logical part of my brain doesn't believe that there is any.
Then my daughter (his step-daughter) threw me a curve ball by asking me to divorce him. I think she's just angry and feeling abandoned from him being gone the past several days, but she kept saying how unhappy it makes her when we fight and that just made me so sad.
So he started to draw me back in, and then she started begging me NOT to let him come home. I feel so torn. I don't even know what "I" want. I want everybody to be happy, but that cannot be. :(
I know I should not make any big life-altering or rash decisions right now, but I do have to decide whether or not to let him come home at some point this weekend (he does need more clothes even if he is not going to stay), and then once he gets here I will have to decide whether to let him stay, and I'm sure he'll suck me right into his promises......ugh.
Thank you again so very much for the ESH and thanks for listening.
