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I need some opinions here because I've been given conflicting information and I suspect there is a reason but here it goes... My AH cheated on me. It was a horrible situation. He was drunk. He was kicked out and did all the begging to come home. I didn't want him back. We discussed that because this wasn't a long term affair and a one night incident that there were to be several conditions to be met for him to return home. Some were; No porn All passwords to email, phone, etc Focus on the family and marriage No drinking Attend MC/IC
Some other miscellaneous stuff...Now, in the beginning ... after the initial shock of the affair when he did return home, I was a lunatic, checking his phone, email, blah blah, all the time, but since I have started to rebuild my own self esteem and focussed on myself, that behavior of mine, has pretty much subsided.
My question is if I'm giving a condition to return to a family home and "not drink" what do you consider that? My counselor has stated that is me outlining my personal boundaries, that I've never had before. My whole life, she has said I've never had boundaries....his counselor had said it's like a form of control. ??????
Are you telling him "no drinking" because you want to control him, or because you want to keep yourself safe?
For me, it comes down to motive. If my motive is to try to change someone by giving them an ultimatum, then I am trying to control. If I state my boundry because I am being true to myself and I let go of the expectation and am willing to stick with my boundry, then I am taking care of myself.
It is a tough one to figure out. And when we start to have boundries, generally our A's really do NOT like it. They push us and the whine and they act out...trying to get us to go back to the way we were. they pull out all the fancy words like "you're controlling me" or "you're smothering me" or whatever.
The stronger we get, the more we work this program, the clearer it all becomes. There is NO reason you should not take care of yourself.
Are you telling him "no drinking" because you want to control him, or because you want to keep yourself safe?
Awesome question. I honestly think maybe at the beginning, it would have been to control, but certainly now, it's safety. Actually, everything is about safety now. Safety has never been a priorty for me or the kids and we certainly have felt the ripple effects. It's a humbling situation to have to go into your primary care doctor that both you and your husband have known for 10 years and ask for a STD test and explain why. That, is NOT safe.
I'm very proud of myself. I am actually scared that I over analyze every decision I make now in the sense that I fear it might remotely be controlling. So nothing right now I do is controlling, and I'm not sure that's good either...my little kids need some form of control or they run wild, but certainly my husband can make his own decisions and I have found the more I have stepped back he has stepped up and it's been great, but this is obviously the one area we can't discuss, so when he does say he feels like he's being controlled, I tell him there isn't much I can do and maybe he can talk about it with his counselor (he is not in AA).
It's hard where you have two counselors with differing views....his counselor has flip flopped twice though and has said he sees my boundaries, but also said he would see it as control if he were my husband....sigh.
Well telling an alcoholic that he can't drink is pretty much a waste of time unless of course he is in recovery . And are u absoltuley sure that is what his councelor told him ??? did u hear it directly from the councelor or from hubby . My husb and I separated for a few months along time ago , when he aked to come home i sent him away as he was still drinking I knew i could not live with active drinking again . some feel that was control , what ever I knew I could not do it . My husb stayed away another 5 months until he made a decission to quit drinking and go to a program . That was 20 yrs ago now and I have not looked back since . Only u know what u can live with . but if no drinking is a boundary what are u going to do it he crosses it ? and are u prepared to follow thru , if not it is just another idle threat . Louise
Well, I guess I'm not sure what to think. I had a feeling opinions might be all over the place again, as I have two counselors with two opinions on the subject.
If he starts drinking, I want a separation and he will need to move out. I will not subject myself or my children to this again. It was completely an unhealthy marriage and family. It's been much much better. I don't consider it a threat, as he and I both know the consequences of if he starts getting drunk again.
I've had several people tell me that the A will say that "you're controlling me" by saying he couldn't drink if he were to return home, but it's interesting out of all the stipulations I set in order for him to return home, that's the one he continues to challenge, so I guess everyone is right on the money.
If you can figure this one out, please let me know. When my husband got out of detox I didn't want him drinking in the house, so he went out of the house to drink (i.e., drinking and driving). Finally he said he was going to drink whether I liked it or not. Since I'm learning I have no control over another person, I just accepted the fact that he's gonna drink, but I told him that if his drinking spirals out of control, then my son and I are leaving. That's the best I can do right now. You need to do what's best for you.
Aloha, I don't consider it a boundary if he oversteps it and I don't follow through. For it to be a boundary, I have to follow through with what I say...otherwise it's a threat. I've learned even with my kids, they can sense a threat with me as opposed to a real consequence to their action.
I can realte to your post so much. My partner was unfaithful when really drunk I still struggle with this. We got back together due to a variety of circumstances. I believe he loves me and would never hurt me unless he is drunk. I dont trust him when drunk. I ended the relationship told him i was in recovery and wanted to be around healthy people if he wanted to drink then fine but I didnt want it in my life. My motive was for me not to make him change. He went to AA and has been sober for 3 months because he wants to. Is your partner stopping to plaese you. My partner tried AA for me but it ever worked because he wasnt ready. If he really wants to stop he will no matter what you do. I knew I couldnt make him stop and I never got back with him till he made the choice himself an was in AA. If he drinks tomorrow I will ask him to leave not to stop or control hinm but because I carnt live with it anymore hope this helps
I think the focus has to be on you and how you are going to take care of yourself. The more we focus on others following a certain path the more we give all our power away to them.
I'm trying very hard to keep the focus on me. It has been a struggle some times. It's a struggle when someone challenges you. I have learned NOT to go to the battle. When he starts with the "your controlling me..." I walk away and say "I only want to be in a healthy marriage and if you're struggling I can't help you, maybe you can talk to you're counselor"
I have to pray and pray a lot. For the last two days, that's all I've done.
