The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm still having problems with the BF. He was so good for 6 months and then bam, everything stopped. He has a lot going on at home and work and I am feeling so needy. Things are good and I'm up and then things are bad and I'm down and I feel almost as if I'm with an addict again but I'm not. A lot of the down is because of his lack of communication with me and it's MY response to my perceptions that he must not be thinking about me/still love me - because he didn't call or text or initiate communication in some way. I keep going back and forth between "I'm being unreasonable and expecting too much" and "It's not that hard to pick up the phone and call and if was thinking about me he would". I know this is me but I don't think things should be this hard.
I think this time apart from my daughter has been really good for us. I miss her terribly and she finally admitted to missing me today and we talked about both of us needing to make some changes so that we can live together again. I'm excited about this and hoping that we can begin to work together and appreciate each other a little more.
I'm working 3 jobs right now and it's about to kill me, I'm not sure how I can keep it all together, I feel lonely and stressed most of the time. I have to get my thinking straight and my priorities in order and I just feel wrong inside. I think I'm depressed and I feel like crying numerous times throughout the day. I did start exercising and starting to eat right again, I guess that's a bonus. Went to the exercise room today and the electronic key didn't work so I walked around the block a bunch of times to try to make up for it. Have to get up at 6am to do that and I have been managing. I feel like I'm back to one day at a time and I felt like I had made so much progress and life was SO good.
I am still struggling with not seing everything as black or white, real bad or real good. Am trying to see an inbetween. I feel like giving up when things are bad and try to remember that this will pass.
I also wonder at times if i'm being unreasonable or not. I would say it's strange that you can communicate for 6 months and now it suddenly changed.
Relationships shouldn't be that hard, I agree. I have learned over the years that lots of guys aren't good at communicating, which is not an excuse.
I hope that you and your daughter can work things out and live together again soon. I know what it feels like to be away from her. My daughter has been at her dads for 4 weeks now and I miss her so much. I can not wait to have her back in a few days.
I was also thinking when I read your post, there are problems in most relationships at one point, with A's or non A's. I try to talk to my bf when things bother me. We don't always come to a solution but at least I have tried and expressed how I feel.
Btw. I think you have made a lot of progress. It's not all out the window.
-- Edited by buick23 on Wednesday 29th of July 2009 02:02:05 PM
I think those hard to handle "expectations" may be rearing their pointy little heads. You appear to expect him to respond to you the way you would him, think about you the way you do him, call you as often as you would him..but he's not you. AND, he's a dude..lol
Sometimes people just need a little space of their own. I know I do. My life can't be wrapped all up in one person, I have other interests, friends and needs. I will lose myself if the sun rises and sets on someone else.
Take this next sentence with my utmost love and care...You said you feel like you are dealing with an addict. Check your reactions to what you are feeling. Codependent tendencies? Do the dance, Step 1, 2, 3
Men are wired differently. Have you ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Love ya, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can very much identify with the kinds of "back and forth" thoughts you're having. I do that all the time. I call them thoughts and "counter-thoughts". I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder speaking Al-Anon slogans and wisdom in one ear, and my old self on the other side with the counter-thoughts. It is so hard to stop the thought-counterthought cycle once it begins....if I don't nip it quick enough, I end up obsessing for a very long time, without even realizing it.
Just wanted to share how much I identify with your thoughts, especially when it comes to wanting certain things from someone else. That's one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my marriage...desperately wanting my AH to give me the love and attention that I was trying to give him.
yes I know I'm doing the dance, it just hurts. I want things to be the way they were and now I'm not sure if they can. My insides are churning. I feel myself wondering if I should end it to save myself the pain, that would hurt really bad but then it'd be done and I could move on. I feel so torn over this situation and it is taking up all of my mental energy and a lot of my physical energy because it's so draining and I'm getting depressed. I'm torn between trying to decide if things can be the way they were again or if this is how it will be now. I don't want to be stuck living in the past or in the hope that the past will come to be again like I was before. This is leaving me raw and exhausted and I have lost 8 lbs in the past 10 days. I want to get myself on track but I can't seem to jerk myself out of it until this is either black or white, on or off, love or not, etc... I either have to fight to keep it or give it up and move on there's no middle ground in this as far as I'm concerned because that area hurts too much.
CG, you know the beginning of any "get together"/relationship is totally about it being a kind of honeymoon time- for 6 months-1 year or so and that is about it.
No time in a relationship is ever like that again. That honeymoon time all about a super high level of attentiveness between two people. I am kind of in that phase now and I do see it as a temporary phase. Sure its really nice and feels super great but no one can maintain that level of attentiveness, not me, not him, not anyone. I do not expect that and I could not do it myself. I am enjoying it for what it is and waiting to see what happens one day at a time.
I know for me when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired - my emotional state is at a high level of sensativity - my feelings can be easily hurt, I can be very needy and look at things from a very negative point of view.
I try to step back and look at the bigger picture - do as much self care as I can - and not my temporary feelings control my actions.
It's not always easy but it helps keep me calmer and not so up and down with my emotions.
Hopefully you won't have to do the 3 job thing for a lot longer - I know that must be really tough on you!!
Take good care of you!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm sorry you are going thru this again (((((((CG))))))))
You have told me on occasion to let him go! Not to obsess, you told me I have it goin on and I don't need that man crap (I am paraphrasing here..LOL!!)
I know it hurts. And I know it is a great distraction from what is going on with your kids. Relationship troubles are familiar, and you know how to feel and deal. But teen problems are new territory and being the mom in that situation, it is unfamiliar territory.
Love is fleeting. You may be in a different place in your life than he is. Don't listen to his words because everyone lies....watch his actions. It isn't a bad thing if you two are just not on the same page. It just is.
Then again, who knows what the future holds. Do the next right thing and have faith that you are right where you are supposed to be.
Thanks mare... I was seriously thinking about that. I finally talked to him again today and he needs one BADLY. He is - I don't want to get out of bed but I'm not sleeping either - depressed. I feel bad for thinking about just my feelings and not really digging into what's going on with him. He's been a great guy for six months and he's in bad shape right now. I am taking him to the dr. tomorrow and hopefully he can turn this around. I feel better knowing that I'm helping him to get better (hopefully) and not walking away when he is in despair.
