The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to thank everyone for all the ESH the past few days. It means a lot to me to know so many people care and take the time to share with me.
I'm still having a really hard time today-I can't seem to pull myself out of this slump and I know I have all the information and insight to do so, but I just can't seem to move forward right now. I feel just weighed down.
I've been dealing with some health issues. Last week I slept probally 4 hrs total-It was horrible. Went to the Dr and he believes I suffer from RLS-Restless Leg Syndrome, which is a neurological disorder for which there is no known cause. For those who have ever experienced it you can understand how insane it can make one after so long. I was put on Mirapex which was working great, however the side effects include falling asleep WITHOUT warning and an increase in obsessive disorders (sex and gambling to name the top two:)) Like I need another issue to deal with. So I've been dealing with that and adjusting to the meds which are to increase tonight to a double dose (we shall see I guess).
I also changed sponsors about a month ago and am feeling I made a HUGE mistake. The reason for the change was to find someone closer, but honestly I felt closer to my old sponsor and she was across the world, but soooo much help and comfort and had so much insight and was honest ALWAYS. My new sponsor has a great heart, and is close but has a LOT of issues she is dealing with all the time with her on again off again sober H. And I'm thinking she has to much on her plate to really help anyone else, and I think I need more right now. I just don't feel like I am getting even half of what I got from my first sponsor (and I miss her terribley), with this new one (through no fault of her own-again she is a great lady-just buried in her own struggles I think) I feel like I made a huge mistake thinking that I should have someone closer, when in reality my new sponsor feels a million miles away from me.
I've been dealing with issues with my son off and on since his near drowning on vacation and I'm not yet over that experience. Then yesterday he became covered head to toe in poisen which is almost in his eyes, so today both he and I had to go to Dr's appts. And feeling some days like I am the worlds worst mother-even though I REALLY try to keep it all together for him.
I've been dating some.....and there are TWO great guys I have been dating (both know where I am at and that I am not ready to commit to anyone right now). And even though they know that I still feel funny about it-even though I have been very honest about where I am in my life. Both know I am in recovery, both treat me and my son really well, and both are very kind, caring and considerate-so far-lol. And they both are really amazing normals and I wonder WHY I'm not ready to commit and IF I ever will be again. I hate that I dont feel I can give either what they deserve right now and Im sure in the end I'll end up alone because of it........HP's will will prevail either way.
There's just so many things running through my head right now, and then I try and figure out the EXABF's latest actions (I know I have to let that go) and I just get stuck.
I just can't seem to pull out of this this time and it scares me-usually a day or two and I'm level headed, back in program mode and laughing it all off..........today I just can't get there from here. I'm going through the motions but I am really sad inside today.
Thanks MIP for always being my rock and holding me up when I can't hold me up.
Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Hi Shelly , I'm new here and just wanted to say hi . I know a little of what you are going through regarding your exAbf . I used to check my exAbf facebook account too . Although he didn't use my last name in his account , i saw some of the emails he sent other women . I just couldn't keep myself from going back and looking . It made me feel so horrible and i would be down for days . I let him hurt me so much sometimes he didn't even know he was doing it . I was letting him have control over me even when he wasn't even around . It's really hard to let go , i know all about it . It's even harder to move on . I hated dating someone new just because i still wanted to be with my Abf . It didn't work out with the new fellow i was seeing because i just wasn't ready and my heart wasn't in it . Now i'm taking time for myself and finding out what makes me happy . I have detached from my exAbf ( not easy , it's a struggle everyday ) but it will get easier and i will move on . I wish you luck with your new medication and hope you are feeling better real soon ! Just thought i would share a little .
How about making a grateful list instead of a crappy list?
It puts the crappies in perspective.
You've found medication that helps the RLS (I use Tylenol and Melatonin) Your son is alive and well You got out of toxic relationship w/ABF You can always change sponsors (IMO, a sponsor should lead by example, doesn't sound like this one is.) Poison Ivy is curable, and a good Mom takes her son to the Dr. I wouldn't worry too much about committing to someone right now. There's much healing and growth to be done before that's a safe thing to do. What's wrong with just dating people and having fun?
Figuring xABF's actions out? How long you going to run around that same mountain?
It's all about the two wolves fighting inside you ...which one are you feeding?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Shelly, you are where you are for a reason ,you will move on when you are ready.
Sometimes the "drop the rock" saying helps. Instead of being concerned you are not getting past things, maybe take a step towards whatever your passion is.
Plant flowers, go bikeriding, read funny books, I love, "The Far Side," I laughted even when my AH first left reading that.
We get so darn serious, when it is ok to still laugh, dance, play with our dogs, kids, friends. `
Also if you are not sleeping, it makes everything feel worse.
My dad has RLS. He has to walk miles to tire himself out. I got him to drink tonic water, he is on xanax and klonapin. It has helped him so much. He has Ms. I guess a tread mill is suppost to be good.
Did you get your iron count done? I do know a person who suffers from this is recommended not to smoke, drink alcohol, ingest caffiene and need to be careful with sugar. The less stimulation the better. Magnessium and postassiam may help to. But a person has to get the amounts of suppliments correct.
I used to have horrible leg cramps. When I took the pills with quinine in them and got my vitamins etc. correct, I have not had them for a long time now.
Of course stress is not good for anything. Walking, tread mill, swimming are all said to help.
It is neurological, but I guess it is considered a sleep problem.
Let us know how you do. OH the tonic water has quinine in it. It has been a cure for this and cramps for over a hundred years.
love,debilyn sprinkling sleep stardust in your eyes....sweet dreams
Sounds like you are doing a lot to take care of yourself. Personally I took 2 full long years to grieve the end of my relationship. Grief is not something you pull out of there are tons of books on the subject. Maybe you are in the bargaining phase of grief.
