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Hello- I am new to this forum, but not new to Al Anon. I have been going to Al Anon for over 2 years because of my AH. I am extremely grateful that my husband, on his own volition, put himself in rehab a month ago. He was away for 3 weeks in a detox center then living on the campus of the hospital doing his outpatient work there during the day and going to Al Anon meetings with others in the dorm at night. He came home Thursday night. Now I am painfully understanding the part of Al Anon that speaks about remaining peaceful whether the alcoholic is sober or not.....and that my Al Anon work really starts here and now.
I find myself being envious (even jealous) of those who supported him in rehab.....even though I was always the one preaching to him that he needed a support system. And yes, one of them was a woman, married with children, whose husband is in law enforcement like mine is....they really connected. I have been in contact with both her and her husband as we all want to help the A's stay sober.
I find myself worring these past few days. Even though I was contemplating tossing him out before he went to rehab, now I find myself head-over-heels in love with him again because I finally see the "real" man I married. Now I'm worried I'll lose him. The whole dynamic of our relationship is off and we're trying to find our new equilibrium. He's changed but I'm still behaving in my co-dependent ways. I fear I'm driving him crazy. I feel needy and I hate it.
I know I need to get to more Al Anon meetings and make more calls to Al Anon friends when I feel insecure....today I've been talking to AH about it but I don't want to drive him away. I need to get my act together.
I have real hope for us.
I'd love to hear thoughts and success stories......
Your fears are perfectly normal , will they need me anymore ?? Remember this is a one day at a time program for living , just get thru each day and enjoy sobriety , add more meetings to your week your going to need support . Early sobriety is crazy making days ,as they are Stark raving sober , scared to death and full of shame and guilt . none of which u can help him with except to work your own prog , support his efforts but don't loose yourself again . His recovery is just that HIS , we have to keep our noses out of thier business work on yourself and enjoy , try not to project no one knows what tomorrow is going to bring , enjoy today . Some one told me along time ago if your afraid of this relationship , multiply it by 10 for the alcoholic , he not only has to not drink he has to change everything about his life , thank god we only have to change our attitudes and actions , that is one reason I am so grateful I am not alcoholic . Keep your expectations low , accept whats offered as he recovers things change , Don't MIss the Good Days . WE have a couple of awsome books on called the Dilema of the alcoholic Marriage awsome stuff about sobiety in that book and a huge s ection on communication that is in valuable . also Living with sobriety small red book is awsome u will find answers to your questions in those two books . Almost forgot , my husb has been sober for 20 yrs , me in al aon for 23 so yes some can be repaired . I have learned to take my problem to a meeting or a sponsor and come home with a solution for ME . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 27th of July 2009 02:19:55 PM
I am in both programs and was the A in the relationship. I am now so capable of loving my wife more than myself. Today my family is first, period. My wife was an incredible gift from my Higher Power and our children are the icing on the cake.
I am thrilled to hear your good news. Stay with your program and enjoy joint functions together. I find that people have tremendous respect when I tell them about my journey and programs.
Remember to thank your HP for the potential of life being better than ever. The AA pgogram can help him to become the best person he has ever been as Alanon can do for you.
Aloha MG. I am so happy with you both. The responses from Abbyal and Bill are right on the nose. I remember my alcoholic wife getting into AA and the jealousy and anger I felt that she went to others for what I wanted to build for her. Truth was I knew nothing about her condition and couldn't tell anyone what the disease of alcoholism was. My perceptions would not have fit any condition. I did get angry and out of that anger and jealousy I did tell her I didn't think she was an alcoholic. At that she went back out again, relapsed, and what every was worth saving in our marriage got completely taken by the disease. In hind sight I was taught that a sincere gratitude that she had reached sobriety would have worked better...I've carried that message to others since then. I also learned that the family can be on the same journey to recovery and usually not the same trail and that most certainly not in the same pair of shoes. What is great about that for me today is that both individual growths add up to a more solid and secure relationship. You will not be and neither will he be right in the same place at the very same time and that is best. My present wife and myself just prior to getting married, her second, my third sat and had a "mutual understanding conversation", you know the expectation kind? What we united in agreement together was that we couldn't have a relationship at all unless we had our individual relationship with HP, God as we understand God, ourselves and that without our individual spiritual recovery programs (she and I are members of the AFG and I am also a member of AA) we would have less of a chance of survival and happiness.
Do not fall back on the practice of your recovery program in Al-Anon inspite of how drunk or sober or ugly or beautiful your husband is. You were not born with his name tattooed to the inside of your head, heart and will or a service manual on how to be married to a drunk. Al-Anon is YOUR life program. I remember a saying I learned in Al-Anon that comes with the thought of "my" program. "The life I have is God's gift to me. What I do with it is my gift to God."
This is a good time to learn and relearn everything you have heard about detachment from your literature, meetings and sponsor.
Do you have a sponsor you can call or another Al-Anon friend you could call? Sometimes I feel better when I can actually speak with someone instead of posting to a board and twiddling my fingers awaiting a response. At the very least, get to an Al-Anon meeting if there's one tonight.
I know the heartache this sort of news brings... I've lived it myself... that's why I really encourage you to speak with someone who you can have voice contact with.
My exBF cheated on me-- shortly after achieving six months of sobriety. I was hurt and angry for quite some time, until I really felt it in my heart that my exBF is a sick individual, and he was looking for something, anything to make him feel better. The entire thing had little to do with me and I was able to feel sorry for the man I loved who was so desperate and unhappy.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be angry, because you should. I know I'm still angry sometimes. But at some point you might try to see if this affair had anything to do with you or not. Perhaps your husband, like my ex, is a sick individual who was just clutching at anything to make himself feel better.
-- Edited by brownmf on Monday 27th of July 2009 08:24:24 PM
I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how betrayed you are feeling. And angry.
MY DDH always put me after the job, the bridge game, golf, bowling, the guys at work, what am I leaving out? But never had an affair. Engineer--they stay within the lines.
So I know a little of how it feels. But not really.
I am so glad you have your Alanon time under your belt. It will serve you well. Keep coming back and tell us what you are doing to take care of you, what tools/steps are helping you the most. It will help us and it will help you focus on something else besides him, I hope.
I think what BrownMF said is probably valid. I hope it helps. I do know that faithfulness or unfaithfulness has nothing to do with you. My husband has been faithful in that one area just because that is the way he is built.
Bless Heart, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I am sorry for your pain. I know it doesn't help, but you are not alone. It is all too common. My AH swears that he was only emotionally involved. I don't believe him, but I have let it go. He has 4 years sober now and has only recently been able to admit that she was a distraction from the work that he needed to do to stay sober. It was easier and less painful to turn to someone who "understood," and who he had not hurt and disappointed. He was desperate to find something to make him feel better. He could justify his feelings by saying that he wanted to "save" her. It was easier for him to focus on her than on himself.
So, it hurt like hell. We separated. I focused on me. In the meantime, she relapsed at least twice and he realized that he couldn't save her and that he wanted to be sober and he started to work on himself.
Hang in there. Remind yourself that it had nothing to do with you. But, don't let him off the hook. Al-Anon taught me to live in reality and not fantasy. This behavior is not okay--no matter what the cause. You deserve to be treated with respect. Figure out what you need and draw your boundaries. And, keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I'm so very glad to have found this group. I'm struggling with what appears to be the end of my 22 year marriage. My wife has been sober for the past 9 years, attending AA and co-dependency meetings. We both began attending therapy sessions with a marriage counselor about 8 months ago when she began to sink into an apparent depression. The therapist told us that due to her sobriety, she was beginning to deal with issues that she had repressed.
I thought we would be able to work through anything as long as we were together and wanted to make changes. Afterall, she was strong enough to enter sobriety and continue her commitment for 9 years. Then she quit therapy, decided that she was now someone different and loved me, but was not in love with me anymore. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said no! She doesn't seem to know what she wants other than to go away... leaving the children and me to live alone in a small apartment. When she considers I may go on with my life in another area she cries and says she's crying because she thinks I will disappear and never see her again. Yet on other occassions she talks about how we must start over....individually!
I know what others mean by saying they felt jealous that they couldn't help their spouse as well as their AA friends. Does it mean that once this enters a realtionship the relationship is doomed because one cannot fully understand the trials as well as the AA members? My wife seems to be hung up on statistics that the relationships are doomed once the alcoholic enters sobriety. Am I trying to hold on to something that is doomed?
-- Edited by Bezer on Monday 27th of July 2009 10:15:53 PM
-- Edited by Bezer on Monday 27th of July 2009 10:18:51 PM
-- Edited by Bezer on Monday 27th of July 2009 10:20:08 PM
I understan what you feel, my AH cheated on me the first time he went to rehab. It was painful, but it was just a distraction, an excuse to not really be in the program. Something to do while his 28 days were over. Take it one day at a time, don't over analyze, and remember this is only the beggining but It Will Get Better. Take care hon
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I have been where you are now and understand your pain my ABoyfriend cheated in his drinking days which led to me attending Alanon I know this may sound crazy but that was my silver lining. I dont know how I would deal with it if he was sober. However my A boyfriend is only newly sober and I witness everyday how crazy they are in early sobriety. I also believe it has nothing to do with you it is about them. Their disease, selfishness etc. Take care of you , you are special and deserve happiness. No one can tell you what to do, I just through myself into al anon and pain eased in time it rears its ugly head still today 18 months later and I fight it with gratitude I would not have dal non unless he had cheated
hope this helps take what you like and laeve the rest.
go to any large speaker meeting of AA. There are many of them. You will see hear know the successful alcoholic then. Generally they have made amends to their families and have managed to create a life for themselves.
Those speakers are also available on the internet under AA tapes.
