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Wow! I have to start with that because I am still reeling from the events of last night. My AH decided that he would kick our 15 year old son out of the house because he wouldn't get in the car if AH was driving because AH was quite intoxicated. Yes, literally he left the kid at the park, with a Park Ranger. Now, this is my step son so he was able to call his mother and she did come and pick him up. My son asked his Dad to let me drive and he refused. I did end up driving home but without our son. I felt so caught in between the two of them. But I knew my son was alright, I didn't know if my AH would be alright. I feel like I should have let him drive home alone. But then I would have been left out in the middle of nowhere with no way home. I do mean in the middle of nowhere too. Late at night, around 10:30. It was horrible and ugly. The Park Ranger was there trying to figure out what was going on and had told my AH a couple of times to be quiet or he would arrest him. My AH was acting like a fool. That is putting it nicely. I have never seen him act like that with any type of authority figure. I felt like I was watching "The Who Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest". It was surreal and real at the same time. It was made worse by the fact that we had had so much fun during the day. Riding in the boat and tubing on the lake and then fishing and cooking out. It was a great day and then a horrible night. I was told that if I let my son back in the house I would be kicked out of our home. Now that is something that would not happen, it's the law. But to deal with him regarding this issue would not be pleasant yet I feel like I need to step for my son. He is safe and out of danger, I just don't know what to do or if I should do anything. I really have no say in my step son's care because I am his step mom. I feel like my hands are tied. Even if I did step and say something I don't know where to even begin. My head is just swirling right now. I need to take a break and take come time for myself. First to start with I have to take care of me and then decide what to do if anything.
-- Edited by wildthang86 on Monday 27th of July 2009 12:49:35 PM
I rode so many times in the car/truck with the ex A when he was out of control. I had lots of reasons why. Now I would not do that but I do understand your issue. Eventually I stopped wanting to go anywhere with him. One night his clunker broke down in the parking lot and I had to sleep in the car all night and go to work the next day. I had it drama drama drama and more chaos day in day out. I believe now that is part of living with an active A. Whatever you can do to make your children's lives normal will help them. I am sorry this happened to you. These days I'd rather walk than deal with it but I do know the pull and the pull of trying to fix the alcoholic.
Ya know I know I can't fix this A. I know it. But I still keep doing things that basically am me trying to fix him. Like I will be the first to ever fix an A. Thanks for being here Maresie. It does help just to know that I am not the only one on the planet that has done this stuff.
Wow for YOU! If you stayed out of it this long, you have amazing detachment skills and a very strong program.
I am sorry for all the drama. (((hugs))) I am sorry that your AH is so sick and cannot see a typical path of an alcoholic, which is to lose everything, including the family. I am grateful that your son is safe. It is my opinion, that as long as he is safe, I would not do anything to come between them. I don't know what your relationship with him is, but perhaps you could phone him and let him know that you care, let him know you understand the insanity of what happened. But, he may be much better off, away from his A father. Hopefully, he will find the ala-teen program.
Your AH will see his life falling apart, or not. You are powerless. Don't let the drama and fear continue to steal your serenity any longer. Turn them both over, and do what you need to do, to take care of YOU. For me, this begins with sitting quietly, getting still, and making conscious contact with HP. HP can calm the storm. Then, I'm able to make the best decisions.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
OMG....can i see this samething happening in my home. My AH has been verbal abusing our son and daughter since they were about 8 or 9. Our son gets the blunt of his abuse; they are 15 know and things seem to be getting out of hand. Just Friday night my AH was drinking and mad at me, was sitting in the car in the passenger seat; our son walked up to ask a question, he didn't like i gave him, he was arguing with me and my AH started in on him about it; then he just got madder and came across the console and out the drivers door to get in our son's face; i honestly thought it would get fiscal between them. These incidents are driving me crazy and i don't know how to handle them. I want to remove myself and the kids, but of course he makes me feel guilty, tells me how much he loves me. blah...blah...why do we keep trying to make things work???? His response is always he just needs me to be more affectionate, talk to him nice, etc...... i am guilty of not using a pleasant tone in my voice, but i stay upset about how he treats me and the kids. Well, i hope that you find some answers, because i am looking for them myself.
I just keep reminding myself that God is in control. God Bless
Occasionally things did cause drama in my life when it came to my son and my A..but I would never allow anyone to to treat my child like that or put him in danger, so I never allowed my A to do so either. In fact I was the one that instructed my son to refuse to get in the car with his Dad had he been drinking. All I can suggest is is always have a plan B, a cell phone and a friend that will come and get you.
For your husband to kick him out for refusing to ride with a drunk is totally insane.
"I feel like my hands are tied. Even if I did step and say something I don't know where toeven begin."
How about asking him if he would put his son in a car with anyone else in that condition?
Kudos to the son for refusing!! He deserves back up for doing the right thing.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The ranger "threatened" to arrest a raving drunk who was driving???????!!!!!!!
The drunk leaves his son, you are in the car and this ranger did NOTHING????? I tell ya I am fuming here.
That was downright criminal of this ranger. IF I were you I would be calling and finding out what made him not give the A a dui and thrown him in jail!
I was just saying I don't get the tv commercial say they can get in so much trouble when in my experience they get probation, probation.
HE doesn't get anything. I am telling you Wildthing, this makes me sick.
I am so glad you all are ok. This ranger needs some consequences! debilyn hugging ya
Debilyn, he was not in the drivers' seat he was in the passenger seat. Because he saw the Ranger coming and OBVIOUSLY he realized that he would be cited if he were in the driver's side. He was drunk not ignorant, if you know what I mean. He definitely has a horseshoe up his butt with all the luck he has. I have talked to my son and he is doing fine. I reassured him that he did do the right thing. Now he is only worried about what to do about football. He is supposed to be at practices every morning and has never missed any until now. (HIs mother lives 45 minutes away so he can't get here to go to practices) But bless his heart he has already asked a friend if he can stay with him during 2-a-days, which start soon. They are also more important. So he is a very smart kid. It seems smarter than his step-mom. His own mother keeps a stay out of our business approach. So she stays out of our business, even knowing what she knows about my AH. The two of them were never married or anything like that, one night stand thing. We have had the paternity established. This whole thing is crazy! My AH asked me to call and check on our son and I just called our son even though he wanted me to call the mother. He is up to something or mulling over options in his head about how best to deal with the world of crap that HE created! I know him well enough to know that he is definitely up to something and nobody will know what that is until he has worked it through in his mind. It could take a few days but we are prepared to wait. My son is safe and relatively happy where he is right now and that is what matters to me right now.
Holding things together and taking care of me, wildthang86
I guess the laws are different in Oregon. For him to be this belligerantly drunk, leavenind his son, he would have been cuffed and taken to jail.
Around here if you are caught drunk like that, that is what happens. For that matter it does other places too as I watch those crazy cop, jail etc shows!
I am just thankful you were all ok physically.
"if AH was driving because AH was quite intoxicated. Yes, literally he left the kid at the park, with a Park Ranger. "
I understood this to mean he would not get in becuz AH was driving and drunk.
"Yes, literally he left the kid at the park"
If he was not driving, how could He leave him at the park. Do you see what made me confused?
I did not want you to think I did not read your post right! forgive me! (o:
Good for YOU for driving home. You probably saved someones life. Plus look at your progress, you said you needed to take care of you first. You looked at accepting what you could not change, changed what you could and you had the wisdom to know the difference!
It was a mess huh!?
Hope you feel better by now. YOU did great. love,deb
Deb, You read it right, at first he WAS driving, but then when he turned around, to go back (which he did because he saw our son running to the Ranger's car). So he turned around and went back to the parking area, that is when he got out and told me to drive while I was saying we can't just leave the kid in the park alone at night. The Ranger then had time to drive around to us and pull in front of the car, at which time I was in the drivers side.It's complicated and the Ranger told me that where he used to work they would have locked him up but the Park Rangers are more lenient. It was just a grand unnecessary mess. AH would not make the call to check on son because that would mean he "admits" to having done something that is (really) this horrible. I say (really) because it's like I know and you know it was wrong but he would never admit to it. Not out loud. He will figure out an "excuse" for why the kid needs to be back home. That's his m.o.. The AH did not drink last night. Ugh! Well at least I had a sober night. He worked late and I got to watch a Lifetime movie without any interruptions or smart remarks about me watching a "chick flick". LOL
Sorry I wasn't more clear in my post for it to make sense. I was typing the way I talk and it didn't really make sense to me either. Sorry.
Praying for a good end to this situation, wildthang86
This all sounds like the incredible messes the ex AH used to get into. One night he crashed the truck with our dogs in it. He stops in a park and lets the dogs off and they run off scared. I get a call and have to call the A/s landlord (who lives nearby) and have them go out and help corral the dogs. I lived, ate and slept that for so many years. I was so involved in all the details of what he did, what other people said, how he got out of so much that I never ever took care of myself. I never knew from one day to the next what the next crisis would be. I was hypervigilant and exhausted. That is no way to live at all for anyone. I could not see the wodd for the trees with the non stop total chaos morning noon and night. There wasn't even a chance to get a breath in. Maresie.
I think you did very well in the situation. You made sure your step son was going to be safe because his mom came and got him. You made sure you were safe by driving home instead of letting AH do the driving.
AH would not make the call to check on son because that would mean he "admits" to having done something that is (really) this horrible.
Exactly, so by you making the call for him he got to skate out of that consequence and dealing with what he had done. I'm not saying you did wrong, just that he was perfectly capabable of doing it himself. He's an adult and he screwed up, it should be up to him to rectify it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
