The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So he IS trying to quit drinking, and happened to mention it to me in passing. Since when? When did he decide this and why was I left in the dark about it for a week? Because I threw out some stuff of his that I thought he'd no longer be needing since I thought he was drinking again. How was I to know, I guess I'm just his wife.
He said that it's better to just do something than to talk about it, but I guess I should know by now that he doesn't inform me when he decides to pursue marriage destroying behavior, so why would he tell me he's trying to improve? I'll tell you why. Because his marriage and our relationship have no bearing whatsoever on the decisions he makes. He is trying to improve himself, not his marriage, because his behavior has hurt him somehow. He doesn't care if it hurts me. He can hurt me and hurt me and hurt me, and it won't matter, but if he starts having some skin problems and maybe embarrasses himself, and has to go a week without sex because I'm frikkin mad about all the things he said about me last time he got drunk, those things matter.
I've known this for a long time, and I don't care, but isn't it healthy for one's wife's feelings, and whether she's happy in the relationship to be SOMEWHERE on his list of reasons to quit?
He has pretty much worked things out so that my entire reason for existing is to serve him and save him money. ANd that's how he sees me. I feel like a mail order bride. I guess the least I could do is suggest AA this time, for his sake. Maybe that would reveal a little more about his intentions.
Do you have a copy of getting them sober. I really recomend it. I do believe the author has a real grip on what the illness is.
I do totally understand the resentment and rage. I lived it, ate it, slept with it and raged about it for a long long time. This place was a wonderful resource for that. I do know also its important to get the rage out. While you are at it, please take care of yourself. Eat right, try to rest (sleep is not always possible). Take breaks and take great care of yourself.
I understand the feeling, too. "Why does he do this to me? Why am I not enough for him?" It can be infuriating when I let my thoughts go into that tailspin.
It took me several months of being in the program to finally stop taking my AH's bizarre and sometimes ultra-crappy decisions personal. Well... actually, I can't say I've "stopped" entirely. I have my days... (thus no "chips" in Al-Anon... lol).
Hard as it may be for me to accept in my western-ideological way of looking at a marriage... but I need to realize I will NEVER be "enough" for my AH. Neither will my AH be "enough" for me.
I love how my sponsor uses this description... I have a God-shaped hole in my being. My AH does, too. I try to fill that hole with things like my AH, being "perfect", the illusion of control, food, shopping, blame... but none of it fits right, because none of it is God... my Higher Power.
AH tries to fill his God-shaped hole with drinking, and when drinking's not enough, he also tries to fill it with other people (and I'm in that list of other people), shopping, blame, etc.
I find peace and serenity when I turn to the spiritual side of this program... a quick three-step: I can't, God can, I'll let Him. This allows my HP to step in, and for at least a bit, fill that God-shaped hole that's weeping inside of me and provides me with some peace and serenity.
I wish that serenity for you. Keep coming back, keep hitting the face-to-face meetings. Keep working the steps...
Believe me... I know how you feel... and it is possible to be happy regardless what the alcoholic is doing in your life.
Aloha Lotus...Several meetings would go good right now. Just a suggestion from experience. One of the early lessons was a question..."So who are you complaining about right now, your alcoholic or your spouse?" That question came as a result of me venting very similarly to how you just expressed your thoughts and your feeling. I was dropped kicked right into the calculus of Al-Anon recovery... just blew past the simple math and algebra. Was there a difference? Really? Really. Program suggestions from regular attending members really work. Program works if you work it or your old program works you.
tlcate- I don't have the car or a babysitter, and haven't worked up the nerve to go to a meeting on one of ah's days off. I need to work something out. I know how threatened A's get when their SO's start al-anon.
Jerry- it's the spouse I'm griping about. Alcohol isn't the cause of our problems. THe cause of our problems is his dishonesty with himself that throws all of his relationships into chaos. You know, if you won't be honest with yourself or anyone else about what you are thinking, then everyone else's responses to you will be totally inappropriate for what you really want, and you will have to tell more lies to throw everyone off so they won't see your bluff? Throw some addictions in there and nobody know's what's going on at all. Ever. I can't have a relationship with such a tangle, but he cherishes his tangledness so. I wish he would let go of the image he thinks he's supposed to present, and just be the mess. Seriously, I can and have been handling what he is, if he only could. I just can't handle the game he plays with me. It's a waste of precious time.
Everyone- it's not that I'm hurt, and I don't wonder why his priorities are whacked, I just wonder when I'm supposed to call b.s.? I know, I know... four years ago and anytime I see it. He just gets SO offended when I confront him about his procrastination in his search for a better job, or anything else. And SO uncomfortable when I try to talk about anything deep or meaningful as it applies to OUR lives. He'll literally try to walk away from the discussion, unless it's just theoretical and impersonal. He's the type who procrastinates until it's literally too late to fix a problem, thereby excusing himself from the burdensome task altogether.
We are on foodstamps and haven't made this month's house payment, and the dishwasher, dryer, and car are on their last legs, and this is all with little to no drinking on his part. If he or I get sick we are finished. No savings, no health insurance. I used to have a car, but he deemed it unfit to drive at one point, let it sit in the driveway for a year while he talked about fixing it, then made me sell it for 100 dollars. As long as we never have a decent car , he will always have a good excuse not to see relatives , go to family events, let me go anywhere, bla bla bla.
I can't stand idly by, nodding and encouraging, while we lose everything, playing along and aiding and abetting in the destruction of my own life, which was orderly and successful before I got married. Why would I help someone dstroy me? That's insane! I'm a very motivated person by nature, so I like to take action when there is a problem, but my hands are tied with him.
I wonder less about why he does anything and and more about why I should keep being the glue that holds this disaster in disguise together. The longer I smile and "have faith" the more time he buys himself to hide away and feed his fear of life. Oh! That was an epiphany! ***clouds parting, ray of light shining down, angels singing!***
This was a therapeutic and insightful rambling, for me anyway. Thanks to all who read.
-- Edited by Lotus on Tuesday 28th of July 2009 09:25:46 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 28th of July 2009 10:37:37 AM
Thanks for sharing. This is a difficult situation. If one spouse has an alcohol problem then both have a problem. There is no intimacy when there is no recovery.
Your local Al-Anon office is available for phone calls and will work with you to find a ride to a meeting.
