The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since finding out that EXABF opened a facebook acct using my last name I have been feeling "off" since then. My fault I know-(seems everything he does wrong always is somehow. Yes I know I was the one to seak out information I obviously was not ready to deal with.
I even went back last night and Reread his email to me and what is scarey is his responses. When I emailed him and told him about using my last name on his facebook page, his first response was to question me as to what I was talking about. His second reply scares me....he wrote "what name are you talking about? I can't even find anything on here" (I only have one last name). The last email I sent I typed in his PERSONAL email addy and told him to look under that and never heard from him again (as I'm sure that he realized at that point that he was busted dead to rights and caught in another lie/omission.
What upsets me is that I wonder more and more if I knew this man at all? It all goes back to HOW he was about his recovery and HOW perfect he seemed, and even the last email he sent me (prior to this) he was telling me how I had went to far and that he had put up with it to this point because he thought I was trying to improve MYSELF! And now it's like "what name are you talking about?" Maybe it's the pills (oxy), maybe just to hurt me-who knows but nonetheless a @#$@ thing to do. But like a AA friend of mine who has been sober 22 years and IS working a program-at some point EXABF decided it was ok to do that.
Now as I write this I feel even more hurt than I have in months by him. Because I really believed with all my heart that he had it together because he went to meetings,stayed sober, and sponsored people and was soooooo into MY program and what was best for me.
I looked up to him and wanted what he had soooooooo very much and now I'm not so sure I do. I can't believe that I didn't see the forest for the trees. I can't believe I didn't see how capable he was of mistruths, omissions and lies.
And just when I didn't think it was possible......I feel like a fool all over again and I can't seem to get my focus back to me and it is showing.
Thanks for letting me share. Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Try not to be too hard on yourself Shelly.... You are "guilty" of believing that a person who is "sick irrational and insane" person would/should act in a healthy, rational, and sane manner.... You are in the "majority" on this one, as I would suggest that 90% (or more) of us have fallen into that same trap.... It is one of the insidious aspects of this disease, and dealing with this disease....
One of my favourite slogans is: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time".
Time to dust yourself off, accept the facts as they are, and learn from it....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
well for me, if I met someone and I thought they were so perfect or too good to be true, I would havet o assume that it was true - they were too good to be true. Perfection doesnt exist in people - only in grades, as far as I can tell. And I am not my grades.
I also would not like a boyfriend all in my program. Since ur exb/f was an A - I would keep my program & it's issues seperate from his. A's think differently then I do. Sure we have some commonalities b/c of being acoa (for instance) or both have codependency issues but what I would share on issues would be light at the most. It has to be a boundary issue. I deserve some privacy in life. I bring my most twisted & darkest things to al-anon ~ I would hate having an A chime in on it. Since I know that, I can respect myself & give myself integrity by protecting it & sharing it where it is most appropriate.
Basically what I'm saying, is let go of his ideas about what is a good program. You have to get real, for you, the way to work it is with brutal honesty & it isnt about hiding or making it look good for others. Be real for you. It is your life & your recvoery. When I compare myself, I am judging myself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
A very wise woman from this board once told me that I had to take my ex from the alter in my heart and put my HP back where He belonged. I had made my ex my HP as he was the king of AA (still is as far as I know).
Looking back, I now see how my ex uses AA as a way to be "human". And I am not saying that in a mean way. He has a personality disorder and a severe mental illness so he really doesn't have emotions like we do. He uses the program to be able to reflect apporpriate responses to other people.
It's a hard lesson to learn. But well worth learning. Now, HP is exactly where he should be...on the alter of my heart. Everything else will fall into place when I have faith and do the footwork.
The more the FOG lifts the better able we are to see what reality was.
What your ex did as far as using your name is wrong. Period. No excuse. It may even be illegal.
You are doing great, Shelly. You really are. You are feeling your feelings and looking at yourself. Just remember to not be too hard on yourself. I would hazzard a guess you are NOT the first one he has fooled nor will you be the last.
I know the ex A I was with went out of his way to do things to irritate and worry me. He once claimed he was going to move out of state to some fictional friend because he knew it would upset me. He went so far as to tell other people that he was doing it too! They told me needless to say when they were burnt out with him.
Some A's certainly do things to irritate us deliberately. They want the negative attention. These days I have tremendous choices over how much I get irritated by other people but getting to that space has taken me a long time.
Detach, detach and then detach some more. I know exactly how difficult it is but i also know that detaching helps tremendously. I know absolutely nothing about the ex A I was with for 7 years at the moment. I do that absolutely deliberately. If I knew what he was doing I'd certainly find a way to personalize it.
I had to really really work at not knowing and not responding and not contacting him and it was very very hard for me. At the same time it was absolutely essential for stopping obsessing about him.
Maresie, I could have written your words myself, especially;
"I know absolutely nothing about the ex A I was with for 7 years at the moment. I do that absolutely deliberately. If I knew what he was doing I'd certainly find a way to personalize it.
I had to really really work at not knowing and not responding and not contacting him and it was very very hard for me. At the same time it was absolutely essential for stopping obsessing about him."
Even the 7 years is the same!!! Im now dealing with the fact he has stopped trying to contact me now after 5 months (good six weeks since he tried for the second time via my sister "to help him"). No luck there either, but sadly, I still wish he would keep trying, but if he does, I wish he wouldnt....eventually I just wont care, thats when I will know I have truly detached. I just wish it would come easier. Hugs Lilly maresie wrote:
I know the ex A I was with went out of his way to do things to irritate and worry me. He once claimed he was going to move out of state to some fictional friend because he knew it would upset me. He went so far as to tell other people that he was doing it too! They told me needless to say when they were burnt out with him.
Some A's certainly do things to irritate us deliberately. They want the negative attention. These days I have tremendous choices over how much I get irritated by other people but getting to that space has taken me a long time.
Detach, detach and then detach some more. I know exactly how difficult it is but i also know that detaching helps tremendously. I know absolutely nothing about the ex A I was with for 7 years at the moment. I do that absolutely deliberately. If I knew what he was doing I'd certainly find a way to personalize it.
I had to really really work at not knowing and not responding and not contacting him and it was very very hard for me. At the same time it was absolutely essential for stopping obsessing about him.
The beauty of him being an exABF is that he really can't hurt you any more. Just because he's sober doesn't mean that the "isms" aren't still there. But this is not your problem, it's his.
Time for Shelly to forgive Shelly. You did nothing wrong. You're a human being with feelings. Sometimes we make mistakes and get hurt. But this is how learn from them and move on. What happens from here on out is up to you. You can let this eat you alive or you can say ENOUGH! If you let it eat you alive, then he's won. I'm sure you don't want that.
Time to take back your life and live the life YOU so richly deserve. You're a strong woman. I know you can do this. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
