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Well, I hadn't been doing much thinking about the A as you know I had moved on to other obsessions with other people. :) Anyway, the A had been around and supposedly clean for over 30 days. So we had been visiting his mom on Tuesdays like normal- that is my son and I. And he had been there consistently so we had been visiting and enjoying one and another's company. He actually called me last week to see if my son and I wanted to go to eat pizza and we did and had good time. So this weekend I called to see if he wanted to go out on the lake. He said yes. So Saturday morning I called him to see if he wanted to still go. He was coming back from Chattanooga with one of his old drug buddies. Obviously my tone changed. I couldn't help it. Anyway, I sent him a text after we hung up and said that I had told everyone how well he was doing and that if he wasn't on that agenda for the day we needed to change plans. He sent me one back that said he was sober thank you very much. I responded that I didn't say he wasn't but that he couldn't act like I was crazy for asking that I just wanted the best for him and to support his decision like he had asked. He didn't respond. I texted and called him several times after and he never responded. I even texted him this morning to see if he had my Dollywood Theme Park pass and he didn't answer. I did talk to his mom tonight so I know he is home and okay. Just makes me feel shame that I feel guilty for even asking if he was using or assuming he was. I feel hurt that he didn't respond to my attempts to contact him, but MORE I feel embarrassment that I still acted like his mom or probation officer and that it is so unattractive. I mean I STILL sent him a text this morning- even if it was about my season pass. I'm sure he thought I was just still desperately trying to get him to respond to me- though my messages yesterday were upbeat. I prob sent like 4yesterday- asking him if he wanted to still go, saying I guess he changed his mind, stating that one of his friends was out there, and telling him I could come get him if he wanted to still go. Then this one about my pass. I'm sure he also heard me talking to his mom today and thought I was checking on him. I jsut hate seeing myself as I imagine he sees me- nagging and judgemental- when I have worked so hard to come away from that. Thanks for letting me vent!
i think it's just really crappy of him not to at least text you back.
BUT
take a deep breath and allow yourself to let go of this. if he waits 2 weeks before he speaks to you again, you will still be fine. give it up to your higher power. the more you text, call or call his mom the more you're working yourself into a frenzy. yeah, it may also be influencing him to ignore you, but so what? you need to take care of yourself and that means that you have to stop trying to get him to communicate to you. you can't force him out of this impasse. but you CAN spend quality time with your son, maybe see a movie, get a manicure, eat some ice cream, read a book, call a friend and talk about anything BUT him... be about yourself.
Please dont beat yourself up. I would call this a "slip" and then let it go completelty, focus on you. You know what happens when u try to check in on someone's disease/program. Now, u wont do that again. The more u work to control yourself, set boundaries & follow through & MYOB mind your own business, you will begin to experience self esteem & self control and those are great feelings, ways of being. Today, I no longer do things like that that would allow me to feel so poorly about myself. I can mind my own business and have self control. Youi can do it, just takes a lil practise & a lil trial & error. Keep working it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know 30 days sober sounds like a long time but it really isn't. It is a milestone though. We are so programmed to worry about our A's it's not easy to give up our old ways. We make mistakes, we deal with it and move on. Don't beat yourself up though, you can do something different now that you know "checking up" on him only beats you down. It's not easy knowing when to and when not to ask or check on him so I think just don't check on him and focus on yourself. But give yourself a break. We are looking for progress not perfection.
