The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I went to my first meeting today. I was surprised how similar my feelings were to the other members. I have been doing my best to please my wife who has completely detached herself from me. She wants her space.
They told me I was a people pleaser and I shouldn't try to do thing to try and control my wife's feelings. Its hard...I don't want a divorce...I love her. She has been sober for a year now and attending AA meetings and suggested that I go to Al Anon. I was very mad, I thought what can these people do to change me into a person that she loves.
The people at the meeting expressed that she is going to AA meetings and growing and I am not. They said that I should give Al Anon a few more chances and concentrate on pleasing myself. Its hard to find happiness when all I care about is making my partner happy and love me.
I will give it another chance, but I thought being a people pleaser was a good thing.
Mike E. Good for you, and it sounds as if you found a good group.
In Alanon, people pleasing means focusing on the wants and needs of other people to the exclusion of the self. Lots of people pleasers don't even know who they are.
And this is just my thought, so don't pay too much attention to it, but I think maybe people pleasing is a subtle form of trying to control the other person.
And it isn't giving the other person credit for being able to take care of him or herself.
I hope you keep going back. The people at the meeting will have a whole lot of good information for you. The serene ones on here have a wealth of experience to share, as well.
Blessings, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Kinda good ? I love it ,keep going back give this program 6 months if you can and see how things are going then . People pleasing a good thing - well helping others yes but when it is at the my expence no . I look at my marriage as a bonus , my husb cant be my everything we tried that once thats what got me here . When I try to live someone elses life I loose my own . If you stick with this program u will be too busy looking at yourself to see what she is doing . I agree that u are being left behind , AA is a life line for your wife it is what keeps her sober , they understand her they have been where she's at . Al-Anons understand you . When I am in someone elses mind I am out of my own . Buy some literature read every day it will keep your mind off what she is doing , for me our daily reader ODAT is still my fav one , it is a small dark blue book called One Day At A Time . every page offers a solution to my living problems all I have to do is do what it says to the best of my abiltiy . What your doing is not working you have nothing to loose by trying what this program suggests. good luck keep the focus on your needs your gonna be just fine .
When I began to question if Alanon was helping me in the beginning, I heard a member share Alanon's guarantee (What?!?) If you try at least six meetings and find that Alanon is not for you, we will refund your misery 100%.
This member did not know I was questioning Alanon. It was still in my head. I laugh at HP's sense of humor and being right where I need it.
in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
The journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step. As Abbyal mentioned, give it a try for 6 months and see what happens then. She is an oldie and a goodie and the suggestions from the "elders" have the experience and wisdom of what has worked for them and those who taught them.
I hated my first two Al-Anon meetings and I hated the first two AA meetings I did with my alcoholic wife and I hated just about everything else also. I hated hating in fact.
After a period of time staying out and staying sick, trying to express love as I did then and then arriving at just wanting to lie down and let the whole planet spin it's way away from me, I came back. At my first meeting I heard something very similar to what Maria said about "refunding your miseries" and I thought that was the sickest thing people could say to a man who was as miserable as me. Woe!!
You have already discovered the similarities in how the membership feels very closely as you do. You have come to understand at your very first meeting... remarkable!! Now if you can remember the part of the closing to the meeting that reads, "If you keep and open mind, you will find help. You will discover that there is no situation that cannot be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened." For that one hour or more period of time what is required is that you unfocus on your alcoholic wife and anything else outside the room and focus only on what is going on inside of it and how it is affecting your awareness...just like your very first meeting.
You are on your way...Yowzers!! Get the literature and read it all (keep your spouse out of your mind...you are not doing it for her and she won't pat you on your back for keeping her sober.) Go to another meeting (keep your alcoholic spouse out of your mind). Sit down, listen, learn and practice (especially practice keeping your alcoholic spouse out of your mind. Replace her with you and a higher power of your particular understanding and that relationship. Fire your spouse as your Higher Power; Higher Powers don't do lower power stuff. Be of help and support to your spouse when she asks for it and not until. Go do something else that's positive and gives you positive in return.
Chances are that if your alcoholic spouse suggested you go to Al-Anon it was her way of asking for help in her recovery. Get out of the way of her recovery and don't be an anchor slowing her down.
If you take and act on the suggestions (taking focus off of your spouse) you will be amazed at what happens over (one day at a) time. Old timers "Rock" and continue to go to meetings. Become an old timer or get that refund of your miseries. Sorry I hated hearing that also; but then I haven't got my miseries back. Hmmmmmm This works if you work it.
Unfortunately, the life changes that come with sobriety take time, sometimes years, and couples can make it through with the help of AA and al-anon. I have heard couples say that it does get better, you just have to focus on yourself and wait it out. Believe me, I know how hard it is, especially when you have lived through hell and view sobriety as welcome relief and the answer. While true, it's just not that simple, and much of the solution and peace come from you.
I will share with you what kept me going back... a marriage counselor looked me squarely in the eyes and said, "you go to al-anon and I promise you that in three years you will be an entirely different person". That was enough to get me there and to return initially, and now in addition to fufilling that promise, I go because it blesses me. It feels soooo good!
It's been two and a half years and I am a happier, healthier person. I stiill struggle with the pain and have much growth to do, but I am definately better. We are never "done".
I hung all my hopes of "happily ever after" on my spouse, and had no idea until I was out of my relationship with him, that I was really miserable. I would have sacrificed all I believed in and my true happiness all for what I wanted and thought should be. I see things differently now.
Hang in there and please keep coming back.
You are sooo worth it.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Thanks for all the encouragement. My wife and I are going to see a family therapist today, but I asked her what is her ultimate goal coming out of the counseling. She said I dont know. I think she has made up her mind already. She says stuff like too little too late. Referring to me because I ignored all of the trouble she was having in the past. Now I am trying to help her and listen to her. She calls it badgering. Oh well I guess I can not change the way she feels. Right? I just don't want to let her go, I love her, even though she has hurt me so bad. I guess I'm still young and my 2nd Al Anon meeting is 5 days away I have something to look forward to. Its funny, I feel more accepted at a meeting with total strangers than with my wife.
oooh! Are there any other Al-Anon meetings around that aren't a whole five days away?
Just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you for having the courage to enter the meetings. It takes a lot of strength, believe it or not, to be willing to take a good look in the mirror and start working on yourself from the inside. Far too many people are too afraid to "go there".
Did you know that there are statistics out there that state an alcoholic and their drinking and behaviors affect at least seven people in their lives? Can you imagine how huge Al-Anon meetings could be if more of us were brave enough to work on ourselves?
Two things come to mind with people pleasing. You know those guys that have all the plates spinning on the end of a stick? They runsback and forth trying to keep them all spinning. People pleasers are like that. Not one thought about themselves, just keep those plates spinning.
The other thing is...When someone lives for someone else it's difficult for their spouse to know who they really are. Sometimes when you worship the ground someone walks on it's very easy for them to walk on you.
If nothing else, Alanon will help you find yourself, and it will be a different person then the one you think you know.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When I try to live someone elses life I loose my own . If you stick with this program u will be too busy looking at yourself to see what she is doing . I agree that u are being left behind , AA is a life line for your wife it is what keeps her sober , they understand her they have been where she's at . Al-Anons understand you .
