The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"So many times I wanted to bite off my tongue after saying, "Yes" when I really wanted to say, "No." This is a quote from today's reading (July 25) in C2C. This is really a boundary issue and one that has been a hard one in my life. There have been a few times in my life where saying "Yes" when I wanted to say "NO" got me into a marriage with an alcoholic. I didn't know what drove me to do this until I read today's reading in C2C, it's courage- what I lacked was courage. According to today's reading courage is found in the Serenity prayer..."the courage to change the things I can". This is granted by the God of our understanding. So what this told me was that I didn't trust God enough to turn things over to him and allow him to "grant me the courage to change the things I can".
I must become willing to do my part, to say "No" when I mean "No" and trust my Higher Power to give me the courage to do just that. This is going to cause flack. People that are used to me being a "Yes" person are going to try to change me back to that...I have to accept their flack as just that "flack". I don't have to react to it or answer to it, I just have to accept it. This is normal and will most definitely happen when I start to make these changes.
I am starting on a new road to "taking care of me" and that does not mean I have to people please to gain someone's approval. What is the true value of a friendship or relationship that is based on such behavior? A true friend accepts us as we are, we shouldn't have to change to please them or have them approve of us.
I have been like this (people-pleasing) a few 24 hours, so it will take time to learn a new way of responding. I don't have to do it perfectly or consistently, but I do have to make an effort to change, my life will be so much the better for it.
"There is a price that is too great to pay for peace...One cannot pay the price of self-respect." Woodrow Wilson
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Kudos, oc, this is insightful. I am here to tell you, that yes, some of the early "No's". are the most difficult but when u do & u get some self respect that accompanies this new behavior - it is all worth it. When I first set & followed through on boundaries, I got immediate self respect and then it got stronger over time. I agree with Woodrow Wilson, nothing is worth losing that. When I began to experience it, it was a whole new world. After that came a feeling of detachment and then I wanted more. More self respect and more detachment from others, so I could be free to do what was best for me.
I mean, I guess it can be a bummer to bum out others. But to stop others from manipulating me, to stop allowing myself to be manipualted, exhausted, feel crappy and resentful ~ let me just say that it doesnt compare. I would much rather say no, than continue to allow myself to be used. It will open up a whole new reality, good for you.
Another thing I learned is that even though I dislike the slogan, fake it 'til u make it, this could be applied to courage. It doesnt matter if u really feel the courage or not, stand up for youirself anyway. Others wont know u lack courage, b/c u will be acting like u have it anyway. The sky is the limit! Even if u dont trust yourself, u can trust the process and it will get easier once u have a few "no's" under ur belt - the first few are the hardest b/c it's new behavior - it will get easier and I know u can do it, all u have to do is try & see.
Rememmber the six guidelines to setting boundaries? You have to detach from the outcome, release that, just follow the boundaries that you set.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Excellent post, OC. Just what I needed to hear today.
Kitty - as always, you have such wonderful ESH that is truly an inspiration to me.
People around me have told me how "strong" I am to live with active alcoholism as long as I have. This came as a surprise to me, as I always felt weak for saying "Yes" and putting up with the isms over the years.
As I'm sitting here typing, it occurs to me that these people are right - I AM strong, and it's been my courage and strength that has sustained me this long. I just need to redirect it to more positive behavior on my part. Like setting those boundaries, putting that initial legal paperwork in the mail and having the divorce conversation with my AH. I need to keep taking those baby steps through my fear and keep moving forward, one day at a time.
Thank you OC...just what I needed to read this morning. I have always had issues with approval from others and not being able to set boundaries. I'm so excited that I found this place...I have needed help in this area for a long time. Grateful to be here.
What a wonderful share. I know I can fall into people pleasing in a second. Taking care of me and my dogs is now a priority. I am continuously reminded that boundaries are a second by second issue.
OC, just what I needed- again this is such a crucial piece! And to know oneself enough to know you mean Yes and you mean No and knowing exactly where that line is within yourself- all program stuff. Such an important point!!!! Wow, this is excellent for me to contemplate this afternoon and I am really grateful for your insightful and thoughtful post. You are truly an inspiration and have helped me today in my recovery. hugs, J.
