The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My exAB called me last night . It's been two months since we've talked on the phone . Four months since i've seen him . He moved on to another relationship and left me broken hearted . That relationship didn't last , so now he is working on himself , going to AA meetings and counselling . I have tried to detach as best i could , we sent a few emails here and there . I still love him very much and only want the best for him . He still wants to be friends and i do too but not sure if i can . So he called last night , pretty late , after 11pm . It was awkward for me because i'm still very hurt by what had happened . On the other hand , it was so good just to hear his voice again . The conversation was okay until he starting talking about his last relationship , and how they were friends now . It really hurt me that he was talking about this with me . I'm still very much in love with him . To listen to him talking about their relationship just tore me apart but i couldn't find the words to tell him that it bothered me so much . Why do i find it so hard to tell him how i feel ? How can i be a real friend to him if i can't listen to his problems , including relationships with other women ? AM i insane ? After our conversation i hung up the phone and cried . I miss him so much and it was so good hearing his voice again . I'm really torn on this !
I can tell you you are not alone on this one! When something hurts very much, it's best to stay away from it. We call it self-care, self-love. You can tell the person that hearing about their relationship with others is hurtful to you because you love them still. They may or may not choose to honor your wishes. In alanon, we say "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
Sometimes we become so immune to pain that we don't realize it hurts. Somewhere in our literature, there's a story of the frog who is sitting in the pot of cold water, the heat gets turned on on the pot and the pot begins to slowly warm up, but the frog does not realize this because he's adapting to the situation. The temperature keeps warming up and ultimately the frog fries to death. Sometimes that can be an analogy for a relationship that we keep adapting to not realizing how much it hurts us. If the frog had jumped into the pot of scolding hot water, he would have jumped right out (if he didn't die) because he would have realized that it is scolding and it hurts really bad. lol, I hope you get the point.
Keep coming, get to a meeting, begin focusing on your life, work the steps in the paths to recovery book, your life will improve, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You can certainly share it with otehr al-anons, we do understand.
I have experienced unrequited love b4. I was always looking to see what I would get back from others. One day I realized, the love I feel for someone is my experience of loving. No one can take that away & not being loved back does not diminish my experience of my feelings. I can love others, that is my experience of love. It doesnt matter what I get back, no one can take it away.
It is understandable however, if u dont feel u can be friends b/c it is too painful. I have had to boundary ppl out of my life at times and that's okay. Or u can create boundaries in the relationship, u dont have to hear all the gory details - most of us would feel insecure or get jealous. Take care of YOu, whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know those tears so well, I understand the feeling you get from just hearing his voice, I understand the wanting to be there for him and wanting to be friends. If I may share my es&h with you.
My situation is very like yours. I have been available as a 'friend' for over 7 months now to my exbf and its not a good place to be. For me it has been complete denial all the way. I have recently looked at my motives for remaining in this situation and the truth is I was deep down believing that if I just loved him a bit more, gave him a bit,more tried a bit more he would come back to me. I now know it is not possible to be just friends whilst you are in love, its a great idea but it doesnt work. I cant tell you not to take his calls or to cut him out just like that, because I couldnt for a long while, no matter how hard I tried. However since I got honest with myself and understood my part in all of it I am finding it so much easier to set and keep my boundaries. In my experience the ex is completly oblivious to the heartache we go through they have no idea of the pain we give ourselves. I was a slow learner so dont be too hard on yourself. For me I mistook his needs for love intrest I was always there caring and providing. I seemed to be able to justify just about anything where he was involved. I constantly let him crash my boundaries. But each time I learnt something, I kept reworking the steps. I went to f2f meetings where I found people who really understood me. I grew to recognise when I was taking back my will and could see the lessons in it all. I finally got it.
It Works if you Work it You take care of yourself. Keep reading and posting it really does help.
I know what you mean too.. Not too much to add, but wanted to say "I know how you feel" BTDT!!!
I think the old conventional wisdom applies still today-- that when there is a break-up, then the relationship is over. Period. And if the paths cross again and a friendship is facilitated, and it can grow organically, the way friendships should (without an agenda on anyone's mind) then it's good.
My XH was abusive but not for the last year we were together, so i tried to be his friend. IT SO BACK FIRED!!!! It wasn't until 4 years later when he crashed his hang glider and was a patient of mine in the ER that we were able to talk, and really see each other without the filter of our marriage in front of us. We laughed when I said "Geeze. If you wanted to make amends with me, you didn't need to break both your legs." He said "Beleive me, I didn't want to break them. But it is OK to be friends now, isn't it?" and we tripped down memory lane a little and it was like I thought it should be. I'm not in danger of being hurt by him again, nor will I be again... and that makes his friend possible. He's probably still t he same jerk he was when we were married, but he just can't hurt me anymore. I'm immune to him. And that was what the "friendship" before was missing.
