The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First off, I would like to thank everyone on here for all of the help and support. I am going to my second alanon meeting tonight, and hoping it will help me feel better.
My fiance is an alcoholic and drug addict. He is currently on a three day bender. He abuses any drug he can get his hands on. I know I need to take care of me, but I can't handle him anymore.
His parents are aware that he is not sober anymore, but they do not know the extent of it. He is a student, and his parents help support him financially. He uses the money they give him to buy drugs.
Should I inform his parents of his behavior? I believe that they should know so that they stop giving him money. But, I don't know if I am the person that should tell them.
Aloha Mermaid...They, you and he all know and there are probably many more who also know that they know. His parents may or may not be having suspicions and misgivings of giving him money while he continues to use mind and mood altering chemicals. You might share some of your Al-Anon experiences with them and some literature you have read (things you have done) from the program. Share your literature with them without hand picking literature out that you think might work for them. Part of the literature might be the meeting schedule for your area also. If you have only been to one meeting, you have to agree that what you know is not much and what you suspicion is more. He is sick...not bad. I have learned not to accuse an alcoholic for being alcoholic but offering understanding and com- passion to the sick person. This is truely an American Medical Association acknowledged disease.
Understand also that your information to them may well be met with resistance, denial and anger. They may total miss the point of your "telling" and disagree with your "intentions". That is a good point because only one of the early lessons we learn in Al-Anon are about our motives for what we do.
Go to that other meeting before you do anything and share about what you are dealing with presently and ask for feed back on it. Take what you like and leave the rest. Make a decision to do "the next right thing" and accept the consequences of your choice and actions. This is a simple program for complicated people. Sponsors help uncomplicate it. As for help.
Any time I catch myself wanting to tell someone something so that they do something about/to someone else, then I know it's my being a busy-body trying to control someone's own life and outcome.
I have been sorely tempted time and again to "tell on" my AH to his mom, too... tell her EVERYTHING, not just the candy-coated version he's given to her. But that's not my business. His life is not mine. His story to tell. His inventory to take, his amends to make... not mine.
I'd call my doing that "forcing solutions"... which in our opening always reminds me leads to becoming "irritable and unreasonable".
Mermaid for me, I feel this is not my disease,not my business. It is my experience there are things I have to leave it to HP.
Also, believe me, his parents will find out. I know denial is rampant with us who love an A. They have to find out for themselves to beleive it hon.
I can tell you are very caring. Al Anon will help you to take care of you, so you will have a clear mind and not have the disease making you sick or sicker.
Hello and welcome , for me it boils down to Did they ask ? unless his parents ask if he is using like has already been said this is his disease let him deal with it. Don't volunteer , don't' lie for him or cover up , his own behavior will eventually tell them all they need to know . It says in our literature to not prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events .
While I think that you have gotten some good advice here, I am a more pro-active sort of person and I beleive that accidents and crises are and should be avoidable... what if his behavior were to kill someone? (inadvertantly, of course?) You can never take back what you say, but me, personally, I know I would regret not taking action when I could have. It's kinda like "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" and, like they said, the parents are in denial-- so the more often they hear of their son's behavior, the more it can maybe "warm them up" to the idea? I dunno.
My XH was abusive, and I told his parents SOME of what he was like to me when we were alone and they would have NONE of it. Well, he was the same way towards his next gf, and THIS time, they listened to me when I told his mom "I know you don't want to hear this, but he's going to hurt that girl and her little boy. It's time for you to rope your son in. Can't you see he's been begging for it?"
Long story short, his mom hung up on me, but hugged me the next time I saw her... the GF and he are apart, and he called me to say he realizes he has no buisiness being romantically involved with women at all.
I don't know if he was full of BS, or what, but last I heard, he's still single-- has been for over a year now. That is a record for him.
Basically--I don't think we can be afraid and make choices based on fear of repercussions of something we do that we know to be right. If it feels right for you to give them a head's up, then I think you should definitely do so. As strongly, and as lovingly, as possible. It might put you at odds with them... but in the long run the FOO is often the root of the A's behavior anyway. Just be aware that it might mean you don't end up getting married to this man, when you plan to... and maybe that is not such a bad thing? woops
