The material presented
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Hi I'm new to all this talking about my problems with groups. My wife of 6 years, which I have 2 children, has been sober for almost a year now. Within that year, she has managed to completely shut me out of her life both physically and emotionally.
Let me give a brief history of her behavior. I married her and we were best buddies including drinking buddies. She wasn't a fall down drunk or anything, I can only remember a couple of times that she was out of control. But, I'm proud of her decision to quit. So, my soon was born in the first year of our marriage and that was the start of her detachment. I thought no biggie women go through postpartum (so I hear). Meanwhile, she decided to completely wright off her mother and grand mother (mother is an alcoholic and she abandoned her as a pre teen). We kinda got things going on the right track after a while and then my daughter was born 2 years later. She went through the detachment again. I gave her space and tried not to bother her, she has a difficult time showing any love or emotion, its very uncumfortable for her. The detachment was going on for too long and I tried to get to the bottom of it (Why cant she show me love). She decided it was the drinking that made her unhappy . I thought great, things will get better (wrong). She said she wasn't happy with her body, so she has been working out alot. She looks great. But a few months ago she decided its me not making her happy. Now she wants separated. I am truly hurt. I said fine and made arrangements to move out, but backed out at the last minute. This has resulted in me begging for a second chance. How should I win her back?
Aloha Mike...Tough post to read because of the similarities of my own relationship with an alcoholic wife. I won't confirm that the problem is only about alcoholism and that your wife is the sole problem and center for solutions. I can relate that alcoholism can and will make other negative conditions worse and that the non- alcoholic spouse (have you checked out your own drinking?) can and will also add to the problems if they are not aware of how the disease runs and what their part can be in it. You didn't cause her alcoholism, you cannot cure or control it but you do have a choice on how much it affects you and your own life.
It seems that she might be trying to find solutions to her problems from outside of herself rather than happiness as an inside condition. If that is anywhere near the truth that it might well be that she sees you as a part of the problem. Don't even accept that until you come and experience the Al-Anon Family Groups from inside the rooms. It is inside the rooms that you get awareness and balance from others experiences, strengths and hope and the similarities to your own condition. You are not alone by any stretch of the imagination. Many have and are going thru what you are going thru now and then also many have reached acceptance of what they are responsible for and can change and gone on to fine real happiness and peace of mind whether the alcoholic recovered or not. You will learn the true definition of sobriety (AA) and serenity (Al-Anon) in the rooms from others who have been where you are at right now and did better than just survive.
The white pages of your local telephone book has the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number and get the meeting places and times and commit to getting there as soon and as early as you can. Take an open mind with you and literature with you when the meeting ends. Also get a meeting schedule so that you can plan your recovery attendance.
Thanks for the incite...Its funny about an half hour ago I was online looking for meetings in my area. My wife suggested that I go to a meeting before the whole big move out scare. At the time I thought what good is it going to do. These people are not like me. What can people possibly say to make accept the fact the person I deeply love doesn't love me back. Well I see that's not true, most people have similar issues. I'm looking forward to meeting people this weekend that are going through what I am. It will be my first so wish me luck.
I agree happiness is an inside job. Before when I would hear that I would get angry b/c I didnt know how to get happy. I did get there but it took work and it all started with learning to love myself first & keep my focus on me & not other people's problems. I am the only one I can control or change anyway. Work on being the kind of partner you would want, be the best person you can be & focus on you. When I got busy working a program & doing what I mentioned, is what allowed me to get calm, happy & serene. You are not responsible for your wife's feelings but you are responsible for your own.
Glad u found us & welcome to MIP.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi and welcome to Al-Anon . yur not alone in your situation . my best friend is an recovering alcoholic (lady) and she has sharred how once sober her sexual interest completley dissapeard which to say the least caused alot of problems in her marriage . In recovery she discovered that her shame and guilt durring the drinking years had alot to do with it . with councelling and lots of AA meetings and alot of patience they worked thru it together. What she is going thru has nothing to do with you , it affects you yes , but your not the reason this is happening , it is not personal . she will work it out for herself . I am so pleased that she asked you to go to a meeting for yourself before u made the big move ,which implies to me she wants to save this relationship , the best way to support thier efforts at sobreity is to have our own program , a yr is not a long time to be sober and I have learned that sometimes all an alcoholic can do is Just not drink , and for us that has to be enough . good luck give this prog six months if u can then make your decission go to as a many meetings a week as u can the more u go the faster you grow . Louise
hi and welcome, You did not mention she was in AA or on a 12 step program. Only that she is not using.
It sounds like, by the way you describe the situation, she is a dry drunk. All you have shared is an addict who is only not using, but still acting out on all the behaviors of being an addict.
When someone is in recovery they are working on changing their whole being. They work on being moral, not lieing anymore being caring, honest, facing difficulties with patience etc.
Al Anon has lots to offer you. sincerely,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Wednesday 22nd of July 2009 07:58:28 PM
Welcome. You'll hear over and over again to take the focus off of her and keep it on you. So easy to say, so hard to do.
I wonder if she's suffering from growing up in an alcoholic home. Often times those who grow up in one end up alcoholics or end up in desperate need of Alanon from the effects.
They say in AA one learns how to stop drinking but in Alanon is where they truly grow up.
I can tell you to beg or not, but in my experiences neither worked. It's true that if you love someone, set them free; if they come back, they are yours. If they don't, they never were.
Step 1 will be a tremendous help.
Keep coming, good luck at the meeting, I find them truly amazing, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
