The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found myself in a real funk tonight, and it took me a while to figure out why. My kids went on vacation with their very sober dad, something we never did, and are spending the week with relatives at a beautiful cabin on a lake in another state. AH keeps sending photos to "keep my heart close to the kids" and his mom keeps calling me to tell me how much fun everyone is having (and she is not even there). I am very well aware without thier notification. Heeeelllllooooo..... I am home, do they not get that?
I have the house to myself, and since Saturday all I have accomplished is mopping the floor, cleaning the fish tank, and reconciling my checkbook. Big whoop. I want to do more, but can't. My high hopes have been dashed. I'm feeling unmotivated and depressed, and honestly my feelings of despair seems extensive for the situation.
I called my sponsor and we had a nice chat. Then, suddenly a few hours later, it hit me. Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death and tomorrow is my 20th wedding anniversary (cause we still aren't divorced). Ahh Haa! Literally, I am stuck right in the middle of abandonment. Ouch!
So, I called a friend to walk, and she came over with a bottle of wine instead. We talked. I cried. I let her in on some secrets. It felt good.
Tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow evening I will be sitting with 6 friends having dinner poolside at a nice resort. Last year I was in an attorney meeting. I am still not divorced, but am starting to feel certain that I will be someday.
I had a huge epiphany in response to a post by Canadian Guy last night. I realized that I hung all my hopes on my AH for happily ever after. Truth is, it could never have happened with him, alcohol or not. I may be alone for the rest of my life, or I may be blessed with another opportunity for real love and to do things differently, I don't know, but in either case I will be one heck of a lot happier than I would have been sacrificing who I was and what I believed in to try and live what I thought should be. Does that make sense?
Acceptance, that is the key.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sounds like you are really coming to a place of acceptance. I am going through a divorce too, and it seems that we just have to go through the grief process, as if someone had died. In a sense someone (something) has died, our relationship to our AH. I have experienced all five stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and I think I, too, am finally coming to the point of acceptance. It has been a long road here. I have been down this road before and feel like I'm grieving each marriage I have been through all over again.
You stated, "I realized that I hung all my hopes on my AH for happily ever after. Truth is, it could never have happened with him, alcohol or not." I think this is true for me also. My A quit drinking when we got married 3 years ago and has been a dry drunk ever since, so I don't think it is the alcohol that has destroyed this marriage, it was just that this marriage was just not meant to be.
Again you stated, "I may be alone for the rest of my life, or I may be blessed with another opportunity for real love and to do things differently, I don't know, but in either case I will be one heck of a lot happier than I would have been sacrificing who I was and what I believed in to try and live what I thought should be." Boy do I get that! I have sacrificed who I am and what I believed in to try to be what my A thought he wanted me to be. This has happened in several of my alcoholic marriages.
I guess God keeps giving me the same lesson over and over until I get it. I think I finally get it now God. I surrender to your Power and sovereignty. I have finally made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him (step 3), not sure I ever completely did that before.
Thanks Loupiness for allowing me to think through some of these things as they apply to my own situation, because of your post.
Love in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I may be alone for the rest of my life, or I may be blessed with another opportunity for real love and to do things differently, I don't know, but in either case I will be one heck of a lot happier than I would have been sacrificing who I was and what I believed in to try and live what I thought should be. Does that make sense?
Ah, ((((((Lou))))))))
It makes perfect sense and it's beautifully said too.
Good insight. I think there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. There are times when I get lonely and feel abadoned too. Both Dad and Tim passed away on the same day, and then Mom passed away on Grandma's birthday. So my nuclear family is pretty much gone. Having said that, I am at peace with it. I can handle the lonely times because I know that will pass.
I have always been comfortable being alone. Working retail (especially with back to school starting) can get very frenetic. Having to be around people after work tends to drive me nuts. Even when Tim was alive, I didn't mind if he was off doing his meetings or fishing because that time alone helps me to recenter myself. I think I've always been an independent soul. I like independent people too. It was one of the most attractive things about my Tim. We were 2 indepedent people who loved each other. Now that he is gone I have had to relearn how to be alone. Bit by bit it comes back. I am at the comfortable spot again. It'll come to to you too.
For now, relish in the serenity while your kids are away. Look to the skies and tell Mom you love her. She's right there for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
